First off, hi, I'm rivershark2005. Some of you may already know me from my last thread. Now that that's out of the way, here's my post.
About two years ago, I was diagnosed bipolar for the first time. I had suffered with depression for a long time, but did find myself having hypomanic episodes from time to time. Multiple times, I hid this from physicians, in fear of getting that stigmatic bipolar diagnosis. I was finally honest and open about these episodes with my doctor due to the loss of a marriage and her saying it was "due to my mood problems." I sought this diagnosis with the hopes of winning her back when she found out that it had been beyond my control but that I was seeking treatment and medication that would make me a more stable person. Of course, it didn't work, but I did learn to like myself better on medication.
It took several months and several prescriptions to find a combination of medications that work for me, but I am happy to say that I have been on my current pills/dosages for 16 months now with no adverse side effects. I am, for the first time in my life, genuinely happy about 90% of the time. The two years prior to my diagnosis, with my ex-wife, were the first time since I was an adolescent that I had been anything close to happy. During this time, I spoke to three doctors, including two psychiatrists, who all diagnosed me with Depression NOS, situational depression. I had come out of a horrid marriage prior to this time period in which I had been treated worse than a dog. But that's not the point.
I applied for my CNA class in June and had to list all medical conditions and medications I was taking. I was completely honest with them and listed myself as bipolar and on Geodon and Wellbutrin. No reason to lie, right? Well, I was happy when I got the call stating that I had been accepted into the CNA program (minority acceptance because I was a white male). Soon after graduating my CNA class, I was hired on at an LTC. They didn't ask about medical conditions or medications, so I didn't volunteer any information. No one I worked with, with the exception of the administrator (for reasons outside of work), knew about my diagnosis. Until recently.
A little while back, I was injured while working. As part of my worker's comp stuff, I had to take an immediate drug test. The DON asked me if I was on any medications. I told her yes, but was reluctant to tell her what. She finally pressed the issue enough that I told her. She looked at me puzzled. She knew what the Wellbutrin was, but had never heard of Geodon. She repeatedly asked me what type of drug it was and when we were alone, I told her it was an anti-psychotic. Her eyes widened like saucers and she took a step back. She asked, timidly, what it was prescribed for. I told her that it was typically prescribed for a variety of emotional and mental disorders to include bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and a few others. Then she got specific and asked why I had been put on it. I told her, point-blank, that I was a bipolar patient. She seemed okay with this and I thought, stupidly, that this conversation would not leave the office we were in.
When I returned to work a week later, my unit manager asked me for my doctor's excuse, which I gave her, then stated that she would not be needing me for that shift. I asked why and was told it was because the shift had been overscheduled and three people were having to be sent home. Okay, I'm the newest CNA on that shift, I kinda get that. Seniority first. I left, satisfied that I had an extra day off to study. When I went to return for my next scheduled shift, I was again told that I would not be needed. Again, I asked why, and was told due to overscheduling.
On my way out the door, one of my coworkers saw me and followed me out. This particular coworker is one that I have had a bit of a problem with because she likes me a little too much. She looked me square in the eyes and said, "Is it true that you're bipolar?" I confirmed this fact, to which she carried on a conversation about how it was no big deal to her, that she wouldn't hold it against me, etc. Whatever.
The part that really grinds my gears is that she KNEW. I spoke with my DON, in confidence (or so I thought), only when the issue was pressed. I didn't expect her to go around the facility running her mouth about my emotional problems. But, believe me, if the girl that asked me knew, EVERYONE knows. Up until that point, only one nurse knew, and it was because she had seen me in the local mental health clinic when she was there with her brother. She didn't tell anyone. Now, I have this fear that everyone I work with is going to look at me differently, as if I am some freak, just because I have a mental disorder diagnosis. I am on meds. I take them every night, religiously (except tonight because I forgot to go pick up the Geodon yesterday). It's not like I"m going to fly off the handle one day at work because I have a major mood swing. My moods have stable for a while now, me only having two episodes to hypomania and one episode of debilitating depression in the past twelve months.
What can I do? Should I even continue to work there, knowing that everyone is going to be watching me for signs of a mental break, or should I look for employment elsewhere and just not bring it up? Can I recover, in the eyes of my coworkers, from this? And why is there such a stigma for people that have been diagnosed with things such as this? Outside of my family and close friends, very few people know about this problem. And that is the way I want to keep it. I have told a few of the girls that I have talked to/dated over the past year, to which I have received almost as many "I'm bipolar, too" revelations. I mean, I feel that someone I am trying to get involved in a relationship with has the right now know, no doubt. But should my coworkers know? I don't think they should. Maybe that's just me, though. So, any advice on dealing with this would be greatly appreciated.
