Don't "click" too well with classmates

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Oct 13, 2008

I moved to a rural area from NYC after years working on Wall Street when my highly-paid systems job was outsourced. I went back to nursing school at 52.

Um, yeah.

But you get through it and maybe, in time, you'll make *a* friend, and the children will stop rolling their eyes every time you speak.

:)

amjowens · Oct 13, 2008

I was raised in family so snobbish that I haven't even told them that I'm going to a community college.

The only issue I have is with my college as a whole. I was taught to be polite and friendly. Lately, I've been working out at the school's gym, and I am so disgusted by the complete lack of manners. I don't consider myself judgemental, but the rudeness is astounding. I try really hard to continue to be myself by actually trying to make eye contact and recognize the other human being in my presence, but after a while, well...you know.

I fully believe that there are "gems" to be found in every group, and to dismiss others just because they fit into a certain "class" is neither smart nor "classy". On the other hand, over the last year, I've found myself trying really hard to continue giving of myself after so many people have no clue, and worse, don't continue the flow of "giving". I would like to think it's not a "class" issue, but just handing out the facts of my experience. It's tough, and kind of sad in the bigger picture, as I can't even begin to tell you how much I've been taken advantage of by "friends" I've made in NS so far. There's just nothing flowing back. I just try to appreciate the good, as I'm almost done with this program.

driving85 · Oct 13, 2008

Lately, I've been working out at the school's gym, and I am so disgusted by the complete lack of manners. I don't consider myself judgemental, but the rudeness is astounding. I try really hard to continue to be myself by actually trying to make eye contact and recognize the other human being in my presence, but after a while, well...you know.

I'm sad to say that this does sound a little judgmental. However, that being said, I think I can at least speak for myself when I say that at the gym, the last thing I'm interested in is acknowledging anyone. It has nothing to do with who that person is or isn't, but more to do with the fact that I am in the zone when I'm in the gym. For me, a workout isn't a social experience, unless I go to the gym with someone to, say, walk on the treadmill while we catch up. I'm sorry if you think that's rude, but it's just how I am.

I fully believe that there are "gems" to be found in every group, and to dismiss others just because they fit into a certain "class" is neither smart nor "classy". On the other hand, over the last year, I've found myself trying really hard to continue giving of myself after so many people have no clue, and worse, don't continue the flow of "giving". I would like to think it's not a "class" issue, but just handing out the facts of my experience. It's tough, and kind of sad in the bigger picture, as I can't even begin to tell you how much I've been taken advantage of by "friends" I've made in NS so far.

You don't say how you've been taken advantage of, but I have a thought on this, as well. If you're doing things like offering notes to other students, of course they're going to take them. And if they see, for example, that your notes are neatly written and well organized, they may be embarrassed to hand over their scrawled mess.

If you're buying lunch for classmates, that's awesome. However, maybe they weren't planning on eating until they got home because there's no money to eat out. Or maybe they were going to be satisfied with a sandwich from the cafeteria, or the dollar menu at McDonald's. But if you say, come on to lunch with us... I'll pay!, of course they'll take you up on that. You offered, and they don't want to be excluded just because they don't have the money. However, whether you've paid or not, they still don't have the money to take you out in repayment, or to pay you back. Do you see how this works? It sounds like you may not have had much exposure to the idea of not having much -- I'm not sure, and if I'm wrong, I apologize -- but it's embarrassing to tell someone that you can't return their favor because you don't have enough money.

I hope this gives a little bit of understanding on a tough topic. :imbar

driving85 · Oct 13, 2008

Sadly, I am disappointed with many of my classmates in nursing school. They are very boring to talk to and somewhat blue-collar-ish. I am always friendly towards them, but half of them don't return my friendly gestures because they probably don't understand my nature (I am shy and reserved, but pleasant). My classmates in law school were just so much more interesting, and friendly! I got along great with all of them. I was expecting to really like my nursing classmates too, because I thought most nurses were really nice people. But these people are just working class snobs (they don't like anyone who does not act working class like them).

I found myself in the same dilemma in my community college program. I think that sometimes, people take shy and reserved as aloof, even if that's not the intent, especially when it's obvious that you're a better educated person. (And even though you're not telling, I'm sure they know that you've at least done this college thing once. )

I don't have advice for you. I wish I did. I ended up leaving the community college and going to a diploma program, which had a large number of other students who already had at least a bachelor's degree. (One of my classmates was an engineer!) Just be good to yourself, surround yourself with supportive people outside of school, and don't worry too much. Your two years will be over in a flash.

PS: I guess I do have a little advice. Wait until you start clinical. My first clinical group were some of the best friends I had in nursing school. I still keep in touch with a lot of them. The smaller group dynamic is a much different thing.

amjowens · Oct 13, 2008

I chose to give a few examples. The gym was one. As for the food and notes, huh??? I'm not writing a book, just a simple post, so yes, I've left out a lot.

I do believe in everyone being who they are. If you choose not to speak, so what! The poster was speaking about a "world" that knows how to speak, knows how to reach out, and reacts appropriately when one does. It feels good, and if you know it, you'll feel bad when it's not had. I was just responding that I am missing that kind of "world" at the moment, too.

deftonez188 · Oct 13, 2008

You're sure your attitude has nothing to do with it? You seem quick to place people into groups - I also don't think it's worth becoming a nurse just to get some background in medical malpractice - also, I don't know a thing about law school but don't you have the option to study med. malpractice in law school? Sounds a little funny to me, medical school would be a bit more believable. Your lack of dedication will show to the patients you will be caring for and your instructors, either way, best of luck to you, nursing school isn't easy no matter what education you have.

driving85 · Oct 13, 2008

I chose to give a few examples. The gym was one. As for the food and notes, huh??? I'm not writing a book, just a simple post, so yes, I've left out a lot.

It's hard to make a blanket statement about people being clueless and not continuing the "flow of giving" if we don't know what you're giving that they're not returning. Because you didn't give examples of ways that you were giving to your classmates without them giving back, I gave some examples of ways that I have seen others give to their classmates.

The poster was speaking about a "world" that knows how to speak, knows how to reach out, and reacts appropriately when one does. It feels good, and if you know it, you'll feel bad when it's not had. I was just responding that I am missing that kind of "world" at the moment, too.

Again, I will say that what may be appropriate for you is not necessarily right for others. (I'm resisting the urge to quote the Diff'rent Strokes theme song here.) I just feel that there's a lot of negativity in parts of this thread surrounding people who don't respond to social situations in the same way others do, and I'm trying to point out that this will happen in school, in the workplace, and so on. I feel that you may be giving off a "vibe," if you will, that you are not the same as the people you are in school with, and that may be setting them on edge. I know it has certainly set me on edge in this post.

MaleRNin2010 · Oct 13, 2008

I do not know the poster, and hope I do not offend you. Just from reading your post you do sound like you have a "holier then thou" attitude. Again I am not trying to offend you as this is just my opinion. Also, What exactly do you mean by blue collar-ish? I would view all nurses to be blue collar workers. I did not go to law school as you did, however I worked hard on all my pre-reqs and received A's. There were students in my classes with MBAs and other masters degrees, even in biology that I far surpassed. Also I am a career firefighter going to school. I am not going to disclose my salary, but I can assure you I make more then almost everyone in the program including the instructors. I guess I am just trying to say don't judge a book by its cover. Maybe the way you hold yourself is intimidating to most students who probably do not have a degree and are young. Also I would imagine that being a nurse you will most likely be dealing with people far less educated, or not of your social status. Being able to relate to the patient, as we have learned is a vital characteristic to have. I know in my class there are many types of people. Some seem highly intelligent, some seem not so much. I do not pass judgment and am sure I am judged by others in a way that does not represent me. Good luck in school, I hope you are able to relate more to your classmates since they will be with you for the rest of the way, and again I hope I did not offend you, as well as provide you with a stimulating conversation :)

SuesquatchRN, BSN, RN · Oct 13, 2008

Driving, I don't really see the negativity you do. From one post, yes, but the OP is clearly out of his/her element, as was I when I returned to school. It was a completely different cohort than the one to which I was accustomed, but I, and they, adapted.

amj's post could have been better worded, but I can imagine that if she comes from a certain background that others might be put-off by her simply because of her bearing.

I have had to work very hard to assimilate into a rural area. It is very easy for my humor to be misunderstood, for my forthrightness to be interpreted as brashness - in short, it's a cultural collision, and it had taken me four years to become accustomed to the mores of this area, AND for the locals to begin to accept me.

driving85 · Oct 13, 2008

Driving, I don't really see the negativity you do. From one post, yes, but the OP is clearly out of his/her element, as was I when I returned to school. It was a completely different cohort than the one to which I was accustomed, but I, and they, adapted.

I think you're entirely right, Sue. I think the OP is out of his/her element. That's without a doubt. That's why I offered the advice to wait until the clinical setting, where there's a smaller group, and most people need to rely on their fellow students to accomplish tasks. I, too, was entirely out of my element when I started back to school -- I was the youngest, the only one without a serious relationship, I could go on and on. It wasn't until I took my classmates away from the large group dynamic that I actually started to make friends.

Additionally, I entirely understand your own situation. I moved from a small town to the city, and when I go home now, my entire frame of reference is so much different than anyone's there. It's sometimes amazing to me that we only live 45 miles apart!

Amj has maybe struck a nerve with me, because she sounds like people I work with who have a holier-than-thou attitude. I apologize, amj, if I've offended you at all. I guess I may be taking my personal experience with some of the exact words you've said in this thread, which were, when said by a coworker, meant to be a condemnation of the way that our unit interacts with each other. (For the record, the rest of us were just fine with our communication skills. :)) Thank you for spurring some interesting conversation, though! :yeah:

deeDawntee, RN · Oct 13, 2008

It sounds like a golden opportunity to find out what it takes to "click" with people from all socio-economic levels and sub-cultures. It is my own personal policy to look at my own behavior first if I am feeling out-of-place in a situation. It is most likely apparent to others that you are feeling uncomfortable or possibly even coming across as judgmental. Of course, I don't know, just a thought.

I firmly believe there are no accidents in life. No doubt there is something very important for you to learn in this situation. And undoubtedly a great deal you can contribute. By the way, I think it is a big mistake to hide who you are, so what if you get asked a few questions now and then, I think it would be great to contribute that knowledge or your point of view to your class. Be yourself and see what happens.

Good luck.