Do your residents get a lot of visitors?

AprilRNhere · Mar 15, 2008

I'm no longer in LTC..for was for 5 years. This was my experience as well...and it was sad. We had an "evening angel" program so that when someone was dying a volunteer would sit with them from 10 pm to 7 am. It was still sad though as it was a stranger.

ayla2004, ASN, RN · Mar 15, 2008

worked in a nursing home for 6 years and many of the residents would have no visitors, some very occanisonlly, some weekly and some daily

they clothes were bought by the home, had Christmas presents etc and a birthday cake or mouses but the staff were the only ones they had contact with

very sad one resident was dieing and i'd never seen so many familly members as the resident had money

Penny8611 · Mar 16, 2008

I'm uncomfortable putting my neck on the chopping block like this, but I feel compelled to.

I had been accepted to nursing school 25 years ago (and then got distracted by my current and hopefully soon-to-be-ending profession) and spent a summer between school years working as an aide at a LTC facility. I was APPALLED by the number of residents who rarely had visitors. I thought mental daggers about them on a regular basis, and figured they were all just evil, cold, horrible people.

Twenty-some years later my Mom ended up in LTC.

Long story slightly shorter, my Mom and I had an incredibly rocky relationship. My Dad and brother dealt with her by abandoning her. My Dad divorced her and my brother, on a couple of occasions, moved without telling anyone where he was going just to get a respite for a few months. I am very, very blessed in that she and I were able to strike a good level of detente during her final "good" years. We were not horribly close, but we got along quite well. She became more flexible and less demanding, and I became more tolerant and understanding. We both had to make changes, and I'm very grateful that we did; I have no regrets over my Mom. We didn't always get along, but I never abandoned her, as so many other people did.

She was sliding into dementia already when she had a massive stroke three years ago. Ironically she was in the rehab wing of a LTC facility when it happened (she probably threw a clot from the knee replacement she'd just had). She was only a couple of days away from being discharged to go home when it happened. She was literally in the PT gym when the therapist immediately noticed her slurred speech and the sagging on the right side of her face. If Mom had been resting in her room and it had been a while before anyone discovered her, she might not have survived.

The stroke destroyed good parts of her abilities, but did not take away her basic personality. She still does the thing that was one of the root problems between she and I: she's an absolute joy to everyone else, but then treats her immediate family like...employees. Like people who HAVE to do what she wants, when she wants, in the manner she wants. Only this time around I am the only immediate family she has who visits her. She has multiple friends who have abandoned her over the years, and family members who gave up on her years before the stroke even happened.

I hear from the staff at her facility about what a joy she is, but then when I'm visiting with her it's a non-stop litany of, "If you really loved me, you would..." and every visit ends with her weeping, begging me to take her out of there. She can't even sit up straight unassisted; standing and walking are out of the question. She can't brush her teeth, comb her hair or hold a book in her lap. Yet she insists that she really could go back to her apartment, if only I would let her.

There is one nurse at her facility that I've gotten to know pretty well. I screwed up the courage to ask if many of the residents had a lot of visitors. She said most of them didn't. "Does that make you mad at their families?" I asked. She said, "Sometimes. Sometimes I think it's a case of family members being lazy. Sometimes not." I asked her to clarify and all she would say is, "We see the residents 24/7. We're aware when there are things going on behind the scenes, and frankly, very few of us can say we don't have any issues with our own family members."

I feel guilty constantly that I don't go see my Mom more often. There are times when the best I can do is once or twice a month. It's very, very difficult to walk through those doors when I know it's going to result in her weeping and me feeling like a pile of dog dirt. I know you guys DON'T always know the inside stories of what is going on with each family your residents represent, but I've learned the hard way that thinking daggers at those family members of my residents 25 years ago was probably, in many cases, unfair.

Having said that, I will say this: regardless of what any staffer at my Mom's LTC might or might not think about me, I'm so thankful they are there to take care of her.

Rexie68 · Mar 16, 2008

penny, thank you for opening up like that.

i also do not have a good relationship with my mother, and, quite frankly, while i want her to be safe and comfortable, i don't spend much time with her.

i can also understand how some family members don't see much point in visiting their demented parent on a regular basis, especially when the parent has no clue who the child is.

i've learned not to judge, and just try to make our ltc facility a pleasant place as the residents new "home."

:)

rph3664 · Mar 16, 2008

i can also understand how some family members don't see much point in visiting their demented parent on a regular basis, especially when the parent has no clue who the child is.

when i lived in my old city, there was a woman at my church whose severely autistic son lived in an ltc, and she had not visited him for many years for precisely this reason. it was simply too painful for her, plus he lived in a distant state, the one where he was born and where his father still lived. (the divorce was completely unrelated to this; she said that it would have happened earlier if they had not had a disabled child.) she said that his father did occasionally visit him, and kept her updated on how he was doing.

and we can't blame modern vaccines or environmental toxins for this because this autistic son is in his 60s, if he is still alive. he had the "classical" type where the child appears to be normal and then completely withdraws at age 2 1/2 almost to the day. i have observed that a huge percentage of people with really severe autism have at least one physician parent, and that was the case here - his father is/was a retired physician. at least, that's the case with the ones who have reporters talking to the family. i don't know if the father is still living either.

my grandmother spent her last few years in a nursing home, and they were always happy that my dad was so interested in how she was and that he visited regularly.

Pediatric4077 · Mar 16, 2008

Falon:

I work in a pediatric long term care facility. You'd think we'd be over run with parents but sadly we only a few that visit with any frequency and a few that make it when they can. I know for a lot of the families it is very hard for them to deal with the site of their child. (we have a lot of children who were drownings, shooting victims, car accidents, etc.. they were normal before). Others have a hard time taking in the disappointment if their 24weeker isn't walking by age 2. I think it is just too hard for some to deal with it, perhaps my situation is different since it's kids but maybe not.

As nurses we get used to so much, the beep of every machine doesn't send chills down our spines.

rph3664 · Mar 16, 2008

My mom once worked with a woman who had a grandson in an LTC, and she was his only visitor. He was profoundly handicapped because of meningitis at age 2 months; his parents placed him there because they simply couldn't take care of him afterwards. They divorced shortly afterwards (it would have happened anyway; they were in their late teens and had married only because she got pregnant) and within a few years, both had remarried and left the area, and neither even called to see how he was doing.

I don't know if the woman was the maternal or paternal grandmother.

I'm certainly not going to judge people who do that, because what would I do under those circumstances? Hope I never have to find out.

TheCommuter, BSN, RN · Mar 16, 2008

I worked at a very upscale nursing home for 2 years. Virtually all of my residents had frequent visitors, and it was a pain in the butt for me to deal with them. I had difficulty accomplishing all my tasks on time when the family members would interrupt me with repetitive questions, concerns, or ridiculous demands for coffee, courtesy phone service, maintenance issues, and so forth.

I now work at a very downscale nursing home where very few family members visit, and the ones that do visit tend not to bother nursing staff unless the issue is very significant. The first nursing home catered to wealthy and entitled clientele, whereas my current nursing home caters to working class people, younger psych cases, with a few homeless individuals who have minor health issues.

Nidawi · Mar 16, 2008

i work for a maid service. we mostly clean residential houses for all types of people. my favorite places to go to are the elderly clients. i enjoy helping them and talking to them and i know they truly appreciate the work i do. they don't treat me like i'm beneath them or their slave. they need the help. there are some elderly clients who's houses we clean who very much sound like those in ltc that do not get any visitors. it breaks my heart. their sons/daughters hire us to go clean the house for their parent(s) every week or two, but they don't really have regular visitors. when we go, they often have so much to say! i love talking to them and listening to their stories, no matter how many times i've heard the same one...lol...

[color=#483d8b]i know some of their children live far away with their families and it isn't that easy to come home to visit. it doesn't help how bad i feel for the clients, though. i often will stop by and check on them and visit for a while, and bring them things like a few simple groceries or other little things they may need. i don't do it for any particular reason other than i want to. those are my old people! my grandparents passed away before i was old enough to really do much for them or to really understand what they meant to me, and perhaps in a way it's my way of "adopting" new ones or something. all i know, is i like doing it and it makes me feel good inside. the residents in ltc are very lucky to have all of you, as they at least have someone checking on them every day and making sure they're taken care of and they're okay and they're safe.

[color=#483d8b]there's one elderly lady i worry about all the time. she's 83 and she smokes. (chain smokes is closer to the truth!). the thing is, one day she's going to burn down her house or catch herself on fire. the end of the couch she always sits on has burn holes all over it, and there are burn marks all over the floor around that area, as well as in her bedroom. i don't know a lot about alzheimers (sp?) or dementia. she seems to be there, yet she repeats herself often without realizing it. one day she left to go with the senior transport lady and left a cigarette burning in the ashtray. it was a good thing i was there to extinguish it! anyway, that's just an example of one of my elderly clients who should maybe have closer supervision.

[color=#483d8b]i have never been inside of a ltc place before. we have so many of them in my area, some that don't have very good reputations. i have been wanting to volunteer at one of them for quite some time now, and finally my schedule has lightened up enough that i can actually do it. i have often wondered how many residents just don't get any visitors. i did have a fear of being looked at like i was crazy if i went into one of them asking if i could do anything to help with the residents or if i could visit with any that get no visitors. from reading on this board i realize i would probably be welcomed, and i no longer have those fears.

[color=#483d8b]thanks for doing all you guys do. none of you have an easy job. :nuke:

marjoriemac, LPN · Mar 17, 2008

We have families that visit regularly and those that don't and those that you never see! I think it is hard to judge why people do or do not visit. I also think spending 10 minutes visiting and talking with a resident is far more worthwhile than visiting for a half hour and just sitting there. Or sleeping, yes, I have seen visitors come in and ago to sleep beside their relative!