Do we recover?

RestlessHeart · Sep 16, 2016

Sorry I'm just venting so beware that this is not a positive post. I know there are programs in place to help us out of our active addictions but nurses like me have such scarred self esteems and records I don't know if I'm ever going to recover or put this behind me. I have felt a total identify crisis since I started my recovery 2 years ago. I feel neither here nor there. I can't be an addict but I can't be the nurse I used to be either. I worked on the hospital floor in pediatrics, med-surg, and neurology for my 16 year career as a nurse, and now work for an insurance company. I feel like I make absolutely no difference in the world. I was the charge nurse and was about to get a promotion but now have to take any job I can get. I have gone from a respected part of the nursing community to an absolute disgrace. If I thought I could find anything else to do that would pay my bills I would but all I know is nursing. It gets worse, I did end up with charges, a AG compliant that documents publicly every gory detail of my intervention at work, and I just got my license put on probation after 2 years of compliant sobriety with Indiana's nurse assistance program. The board supposedly passed my license through with my explanation of everything that had happened to me by "mistake". So they made a complaint against me so they could get me back in to hear my case. They are working on litigation that will see that this doesn't happen to other people but what the hell about me!!! I have a sponsor but I need another one because she never has time for me, my therapist is a joke and makes me feel like a complete loser, and ISNAP (Indiana State Nurse Assistance Program) exploits me by charging me ridiculous fees and when I write my case worker it takes her a month to write back. I don't think NA is really helping me either and on days like today I feel like ripping my hair out. I don't understand how its "protecting the public" to put absolutely every detail of my intervention, and I do mean every f-ing detail, and a summary of what has happened to me the past two years on display for everyone. I think they should just say what I did in a brief summary. Its kind of ironic but in my complaint I started crying and said "now everyone is going to know" and that was quoted in my public complaint. I feel so humiliated. If this is a disease, which I very much believe it is, why is it necessary to do this to us? Even if I get my charges expunged it states my charges in the complaint so basically there is no expungement for me even though it is the law in my state. I've done everything to a t that the board and ISNAP have wanted me to do and for what? Indiana also posts the board meeting minutes in a paper that they send every nurse in Indiana so EVERYONE I have ever encountered nurse wise can possibly see my name and read about my intervention. Sorry I just need to vent cause I'm so frustrated and don't know who to talk to. I have had a total identity crisis and I don't really know where to go from here or who I am.

Restless You're not alone huni. There are lots and lots of us who've been damaged and carry horrific scars from our past. Understand that I am not a nurse, had to give that dream up years ago. I just wanted to chime in and say that after been a member here for quite awhile and read of lot of the stories of Nurses who've been abused and used by the very people who claim to want to rehab them.

I dont understand how they can place such strong limitations on what you can do because of whatever it was you did or were accused of. I also know many who've been accused are innocent. The cost of the process is crazy. They suspend your license but go on to demand you have all kinds of UAs, Inpatient or outpatient treatment, therapists, meetings et al. HOW....you have no money and now cant make any. I dont get it. I KNOW the board is intended to protect the public but Im not so sure Satan would get the demeaning stringent never ending requirements they place on you Nurses.

Im sorry you're feeling bummed out. I wish I could do more. Please stand strong and post here....a LOT....it'll help. Also, remember...you arent alone. You can always give me a holler if ya wanna talk

~Restless

restlessrecovery · Sep 17, 2016

Thank you so much for your reply. It is very comforting to know im not alone.

Twoyearnurse · Sep 17, 2016

You are not alone. I wonder- do you have any other mental health issues? I struggled in sobriety my first year often feeling word for word how you described until it turned out I also had trauma related to the event that acted as a catalyst for my use. I sought mental health help and wow, what a difference. Like you, every dirty deed I have is public information, we don't have an assistance program in my state.

Do you have a solid support system? I mean people that think you are the bees knees despite anything that happened in your past? The people in mine often had to convince me I was worth anything, and they are gold.

My self-worth was regained slowly, degree by degree. Painful inch at a time with a lot of telling my worse half to silence itself when it got in my way and tried to convince me I was worthless. I would feel amazing for a while and then experience a crash of: oooh my god what did I do to myself?! In those times I allowed myself the time to experience that, but never sat there too long. Eventually the distance between those points lessened. I sought out new interests to build myself up (I now can play both the banjo and guitar :) ).

We *do* recover, but that doesn't mean other people's actions don't slow that process. You are valid in your distress- have your low, then get back up.

lastly- what degree do you have? Associates? Bachelors? Your degree is not just a nursing degree, it is a public health degree. You can apply for any job that specifies a public health degree or related field without having to use your license (I did that for two years). This includes epidemiology jobs with your state, non profits, private sector.

deltakappamu · Sep 20, 2016

I promise you that we DO RECOVER! I know how hard it is, and I can tell you it does get easier. Hang in there!

I feel you on the "having everything on display," part. That was hard for me at first too. I learned in 12 step meetings that I needed to practice more humility in my life. For me this meant that I had to also put into practice the principal of acceptance. I did these things, so now I have to deal with it, kinda thing. For me, there is something almost empowering in admitting my mistakes, and in saying "Hey, I messed up, and yes, I look like **** on paper, but you know what, thats not who I am anymore."

I think I have realized that we do recover, and that I can accept my past.. its just that others cannot. I find myself asking a lot "when is someones past truly their PAST?"

Let me end by saying that you are absolutely NOT a disgrace! You CAN make difference in the world. What you have been through is something that can be inspirational to others. Maybe share your story (at NA,) when you are ready. Just sharing can really help.

I hope that everything works out for you. I do know that if you stay clean and sober, everything will eventually be ok :)

If you need anyone to talk to, give me a shout.

SororAKS, ADN, RN · Sep 20, 2016

Hello there :) The short answer is No you certainly aren't alone. We get it. We're all intimately familiar with the various limitations and consequences of our issues, and the limitations of the systems that are existing to rehab us. Read through the archives of this forum, and you shall see how we feel about them, in no uncertain terms.

I definitely would find a better way to protect the public if I was in the position to do so, because I don't see how putting people's dirty laundry out for all to see is really protecting the public or helping the affected professional. I can see keeping it confidential and access limited. But that is neither here nor there. I can't control what the AG or the BON does, at least not directly. What I can do is to make contact with people that talk directly with members of the legislature who write the laws and govern the behavior of the BON, IPL, and AG.

Don't misunderstand me. I am/have been where you are and definitely relate. But the only things I've discovered that are effective with government agencies are collective action, working with other like minded individuals that have friends in high places and being willing to get on the phone. I'm not sure which Indiana county you live in, but if it is Marion I know of at least one person you can contact who has spoken with the Representative of that county and others about these very issues. PM me and I can give you names and websites. I'm not promising anything, but I can tell you there are others that feel the way you do and some of them are doing this. We nurses here on this forum know where you are at, precisely, but I have seen more possibilities for change by aligning myself with others that are directly bringing these issues to the attention of those that can change it. There are also lobbyists within the ISNA, Indiana State Nurse Association, that have been made aware of the issues you discuss here. Your story might be even more useful if you made it known to them.

By this I am not saying you are wrong to vent. We all need to do that. Nor am I saying you are wrong for being frustrated or angry. I am kindly suggesting that if more of us nurses got vocal and took that anger to higher places, there might be some change. I also say this because for years I was angry and ashamed, didn't want anyone to know what I did. I didn't do myself any favors, in fact it was a waste of time and detrimental.

It took me a long time to move past the shame, guilt, regret, anger, frustration and everything else that comes with the dealings with the various Boards of Nursing, monitoring programs, law enforcement, restrictions, you name it. We have all cycled through those things in one form or another.

Ultimately, I had to ask myself, "What can I do to move beyond this? I hate feeling this way and I hate being angry. How can I learn to move on and work within the systems better?" I had charges, complaints, suspension of my nursing license, etc just like you. (now on Probation, finishing up my monitoring program and working to get back to active practice after a long time off, but that's another story that can be read elsewhere here).

What I decided was that while I felt the processes and agencies were full of it, at least for the time being I was going to have to find a better way to deal with things. I wasn't willing to risk the sure consequences to myself and others, by holding on to the anger. I decided I didn't have to like them, these Board people, the lawyers, the law enforcement people, etc...BUT I wasn't going to let them win. I was going to comply, play the game, follow the rules, if for no other reason than to prove to them that not all of us are degenerates that have issues. In the end, I realized I had no one to prove myself to, except for ME. I had done far worse things to myself than any of those people ever could, and I felt like garbage.

I am not saying that I like them or their regulations. The opposite is true. But I do have to figure out a way to get through all the rigamarole. I was not going to give them the satisfaction of denying me my license or taking me to prison. After a time, I found that it wasn't them I needed to satisfy, it was myself. I needed to find a way to feel better about myself, forgive myself, and live without regret for a past I can not change. Those Board of Nursing and Attorney General and ISNAP people are doing their jobs...following their little rules...I have control over how I feel and how I act. For me, it starts and stops there. When I figured those things out and got past the anger/shame/guilt, I realized I could do far better by working with others of like mind.

PM me if I can help you with anything. I'd be glad to :) Hang in there. You don't have to like, agree with, or be friends with these people. But don't let yourself down. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

restlessrecovery · Nov 11, 2016

I do also have mental health issues. Ive struggled with depression, anxiety, and ptsd for a long time. What I believed was a catalyst for my use and resulting addiction to opiates was recovery from a c-section. I believe I also had pretty strong post partum depression after my son was.born because I was alone my whole pregnancy and was home with a new baby alone. I have a BSN and am truly blessed to have an employer that believes in second chances. I will be ok and im going to make it out of this isnap nightmare but I truly am worried I will drink and smoke pot again once I'm not being watched like a hawk. I was functional doing this for 20 years.