restlessrecovery

I do also have mental health issues. Ive struggled with depression, anxiety, and ptsd for a long time. What I believed was a catalyst for my use and resulting addiction to opiates was recovery from a c-section. I believe I also had pretty strong post partum depression after my son was.born because I was alone my whole pregnancy and was home with a new baby alone. I have a BSN and am truly blessed to have an employer that believes in second chances. I will be ok and im going to make it out of this isnap nightmare but I truly am worried I will drink and smoke pot again once I'm not being watched like a hawk. I was functional doing this for 20 years.

State: indiana Program name: isnap Years sober: 2 Able to find employment and willing to share details or anything else that will help others: yes Describe a positive thing you have gained from this experience: My life. I was an iv drug user and was bound to OD if i didnt get caught. I dont like the nursing board and the ridiculous process I've been through to pay the powers that be. What I did was horrible and I was very sick and I accept that but things that isnap and the board do to us are just flat out humiliation. New question: What is the most difficult thing that you feel you have had to go through during this process: For me the agonizing wait while the law and the nursing board figure out what they are going to do with you. Years a nurse: 16

Thank you so much for your reply. It is very comforting to know im not alone.

Sorry I'm just venting so beware that this is not a positive post. I know there are programs in place to help us out of our active addictions but nurses like me have such scarred self esteems and records I don't know if I'm ever going to recover or put this behind me. I have felt a total identify crisis since I started my recovery 2 years ago. I feel neither here nor there. I can't be an addict but I can't be the nurse I used to be either. I worked on the hospital floor in pediatrics, med-surg, and neurology for my 16 year career as a nurse, and now work for an insurance company. I feel like I make absolutely no difference in the world. I was the charge nurse and was about to get a promotion but now have to take any job I can get. I have gone from a respected part of the nursing community to an absolute disgrace. If I thought I could find anything else to do that would pay my bills I would but all I know is nursing. It gets worse, I did end up with charges, a AG compliant that documents publicly every gory detail of my intervention at work, and I just got my license put on probation after 2 years of compliant sobriety with Indiana's nurse assistance program. The board supposedly passed my license through with my explanation of everything that had happened to me by "mistake". So they made a complaint against me so they could get me back in to hear my case. They are working on litigation that will see that this doesn't happen to other people but what the hell about me!!! I have a sponsor but I need another one because she never has time for me, my therapist is a joke and makes me feel like a complete loser, and ISNAP (Indiana State Nurse Assistance Program) exploits me by charging me ridiculous fees and when I write my case worker it takes her a month to write back. I don't think NA is really helping me either and on days like today I feel like ripping my hair out. I don't understand how its "protecting the public" to put absolutely every detail of my intervention, and I do mean every f-ing detail, and a summary of what has happened to me the past two years on display for everyone. I think they should just say what I did in a brief summary. Its kind of ironic but in my complaint I started crying and said "now everyone is going to know" and that was quoted in my public complaint. I feel so humiliated. If this is a disease, which I very much believe it is, why is it necessary to do this to us? Even if I get my charges expunged it states my charges in the complaint so basically there is no expungement for me even though it is the law in my state. I've done everything to a t that the board and ISNAP have wanted me to do and for what? Indiana also posts the board meeting minutes in a paper that they send every nurse in Indiana so EVERYONE I have ever encountered nurse wise can possibly see my name and read about my intervention. Sorry I just need to vent cause I'm so frustrated and don't know who to talk to. I have had a total identity crisis and I don't really know where to go from here or who I am.

I don't want to be a Debbie downer either but I have felt the same way since I started my recovery 2 years ago. I feel neither here nor there. I can't be an addict but I can't be the nurse I used to be either. I worked on the hospital floor in pediatrics, med-surg, and neurology for my 16 year career as a nurse, and now work for an insurance company. I feel like I make absolutely no difference in the world. I was the charge nurse and was about to get a promotion but now have to take any job I can get. I have gone from a respected part of the nursing community to an absolute disgrace. If I thought I could find anything else to do that would pay my bills I would but all I know is nursing. It gets worse, I did end up with charges, a AG compliant that documents publicly every gory detail of my intervention at work, and I just got my license put on probation after 2 years of compliant sobriety with Indiana's nurse assistance program. The board supposedly passed my license through with my explanation of everything that had happened to me by "mistake". So they made a complaint against me so they could get me back in to hear my case. They are working on litigation that will see that this doesn't happen to other people but what the hell about me!!! I have a sponsor but I need another one because she never has time for me, my therapist is a joke and makes me feel like a complete loser, and ISNAP (Indiana State Nurse Assistance Program) exploits me by charging me ridiculous fees and when I write my case worker it takes her a month to write back. I don't think NA is really helping me either and on days like today I feel like ripping my hair out. I don't understand how its "protecting the public" to put absolutely every detail of my intervention, and I do mean every ******* detail, and a summary of what has happened to me the past two years on display for everyone. I think they should just say what I did in a brief summary. Its kind of ironic but in my complaint I started crying and said "now everyone is going to know" and that was quoted in my public complaint. I feel so humiliated. If this is a disease, which I very much believe it is, why is it necessary to do this to us? Even if I get my charges expunged it states my charges in the complaint so basically there is no expungement for me even though it is the law in my state. I've done everything to a t that the board and ISNAP have wanted me to do and for what? Indiana also posts the board meeting minutes in a paper that they send every nurse in Indiana so EVERYONE I have ever encountered nurse wise can possibly see my name and read about my intervention. Sorry I just need to vent cause I'm so frustrated and don't know who to talk to. I have had a total identity crisis and I don't really know where to go from here or who I am.