Discouraged. No longer hopeful

[sashaq]

Hi guys. I am writing this because lately I have been feeling very discouraged. I am currently and LPN, been an LPN for 2 years but mostly work home health. I am in an LPN-RN program but failed last semester. I am retaking the class over now. I am discouraged and just do not feel like my teachers want me to succeed. Before I failed, I was hopeful and I saw myself graduating with my degree. Now, I'm not so sure. Do I see myself graduating? I don't know. I think part of it is because I'm the only lpn that failed. there was 10 of us. Now, I'm placed in the generic program with the regular students. No one in this class are aware that I'm already nurse, not really keeping it a secret just a quite person. I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I will not will, my teachers are against me no one sees potential in me. I am not sure what to do. I'm also upset because I had an 84 average before I went to take the final exam (HESI). I'm not good at that test and this caused me to fail the semester.

I am 4 weeks into my new semester and my emotions have been up and down (mostly down). There are 2 other students in the class that failed as well. I'm friend with one of them. She's going through the same thing I am, but she is worse than me (I think, or maybe I hide mines really well). She actually has anxiety. Her doctor recently prescribed her low dose xanax because of the anxiety that she is experiencing this semester. She takes it 30 minute before and exam, but she is not passing. She has received the lowest score in the class on 2 of the quizzes we have taken so far (these are the similar quizzes from last semester). Her anxiety is getting the best of her. Me, I'm not anxious per se. I think more like depressed. I was depressed for a good two weeks when I failed the class and it has been four months now. I keep going in and out depression. somedays I just drive my car to the park and sit in my car and stare at nature and feel the breeze. that helps me some. Some days I do not want to get out of bed, some days I feel like I have no purpose in the world. Some days I question on whether I want to continue in the program, just quit now. quit my job, move to another state and start over.

Despite the up and down emotions I've been feeling. I am doing ok in the class. I have an 88% right now, but we've only had 2 quizzes. Anyways, the class is not hard as I passed all my exam las semester. I just have to keep my average high enough so the HESI do not cause me to fail again. I have been doing 30 NCLEX questions a day and have been persistent with it. So far I've done 700 questions, not much but as we get closer to the HESI I will kick it up a notch and start doing 100 questions. BUT, I still feel hopeless, discouraged. I feel like I don't have any potential. I feel like I have become a laughing stock to my teachers, as one professor told me las semester that I am not up to par as where I should be. So when I failed the hesi and now repeating the semester it kind of sealed that belief. She's friends with many instructors and have told them about me. I don''t have her this semester, I have her friend and I know for sure I have been talked about. I'm not sure what to, just living day by day and finding the courage to put one feet in front of the other. But honestly, I don't know how long I can go on living like this and experiencing the emotions that I'm feeling. I've withdrawn from everything in my life, church (I don't want anyone asking me how school is going or wont them to know I fail), deleted all my social media account, been communicating less at work, don't really hang out with the little firends I do have. I want to think that I'm doing this to focus more on school but honestly just depressed and sad all the time and no longer enjoy life. I basically just go to class, clinical, work, home.

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

I am discouraged and just do not feel like my teachers want me to succeed.

Your instructors are not obligated to want you to succeed. Throughout my life, people have had low expectations of me for a variety of reasons. However, because of my internal desire to succeed, I have proved a number of people wrong.

Look...it is nice if nursing instructors provide a supportive learning environment where they project that they want all of their students to thrive. However, if this does not happen, you must conjure up the will to succeed and thrive. It is up to you.

A couple of instructors in my LVN program would not have minded if I failed. However, I did not allow these people to rent too much of my valuable head space. A program director in the LPN-to-ASN bridge program also had negative feelings about me, but she could not stop me. My fate was in my hands and you cannot blame anyone else for failure, even those who may want you to fail.

Good luck to you. Also, you may wish to cultivate an interesting life outside of school/work to avoid feelings of depression. If you are depressed, you tend to view life through a dismal lens.

[Workitinurfava, BSN, RN]

Really consider if nursing is for you. How old are you? I ask because you could always do something else if you can't get yourself together. Nursing is great but it will require you to push yourself to the max. You will have to overcome these fears to function as a nurse. Medication can help but you still have to be alert at work. Working and going to school are two different things. You won't graduate from working until you either win the lotto or retire. School can eventually stop along with your anxiety about it but work..hmmm. Get a grip on your anxiety now, not before your shift starts at work and you don't have the time. Sorry to say this but when you are at work, the hospitals main concern will be the patient and not your depression and anxiety. Don't withdraw from the world over a nursing career. You will have to get your bachelors (for better options) and will be working. You will go online most likely. Life is too short.

[CrunchRN, ADN, RN]

My instructors were the polar opposite of supportive or encouraging. You just have to get past that and succeed. You can do it.

[missnurse01, MSN, RN]

You are passing now with a decent grade. There is no indication that this will not progress. The only person that can make you fail is you.... and no one can make you feel like you can not do this unless you let them. You can def do this no doubt! You have had success this semester! Let that lift you up! I went thru LVN school, ADN, BSN, and CRNA. With long breaks between, 4 kids, had a kid die, no family or social support. YOU CAN DO THIS. You have to believe it though. It's like when you go to start an IV, if you don't believe you can do it, well it's suddenly harder. Find some joy in life again...this semester is short and will pass!!! Spend more time in nature as that invigorates you! Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Very good luck to you.

[shanon0403]

Are you by chance talking about Polk State?

Maybe it's the culture in the school you are in. Some of them are so obsessed with their NCLEX pass rates they ignore their graduation rate. They make it hard on purpose so that half the people drop out. It's really terrible. I have heard so many horror stories and LPN was so stressful the idea of going back is already nightmare inducing. Ask around. Good luck.