Dealing with life changes in nursing school...Vent!

MermiesGreatGig · Feb 1, 2009

You never made mention of addressing any of these problems with her. Since she has no place to go, I suspect she will follow a set of rules if you simply make her aware of them...AND then enforce them.

Mommyto2and2 · Feb 2, 2009

Thank you for your thoughts. I have made mention of things as they happen but she has a tendency to think of herself only in this situation. She will fix that one thing for a day or two only to either add a new issue or revert back to the old one. She is just kind of banking on the fact that I am the type that doesn't like to argue.

I had a talk with her tonight and she told me that she had thought she should be doing more. Why she had to wait for me to get upset and didn't just start doing more is beyond me. Thanks again

xlilchatonx · Feb 2, 2009

I do NOT think you are wrong to feel that way at all. That is YOUR house, you shouldn't feel like that in your own home!! She is essentially invading your privacy even though you said she could live with you, she has overstayed her welcome. It takes a lot of adjusting for everyone, she and her son have their ways and you and your family have yours and each of your ways work but when you put them both together it won't be easy.

Keep us updated on how things go with her since you've spoken to her about the situation now.

Did she make any mention of moving out and finding her own place? You're obviously feeling quite displaced in your own home, which should never happen, if I were you I would clearly lay down the law or tell her she has a certain number of weeks or months to find her own apartment. You shouldn't feel guilty either, even if she does try to make you feel that way because you have been helping her out very generously and you + your family are entitled to your privacy.

vashtee, RN · Feb 2, 2009

I think your MIL's husband handled it perfectly by offering to spank the child. Although I wouldn't actually DO it, it seemed to give this woman the motivation to move. :)

sh1901 · Feb 2, 2009

I personally think that you have every right to be upset. First, this is YOUR house, why should you have to be limited to your bedroom for ANYTHING. It is unfortunate that your SIL has hit such hard times and I think that there are a lot of people in that position right now, but that does not give her the right to basically barge into your life and take over.

I know that it can be difficult to confront a family member, especially an in-law, but sometimes it just has to be done. Please know that I understand how you feel, and I talk a good talk, but when my MIL was living with us while she was ill, I had a hard time walking the walk. I ended up speaking with my husband and he dealt with his mother. I tried being subtle, but that apparently just does NOT work.

Just remember to keep focused on your school work as much as possible. Don't let your SIL get in the way of your achievement!! :redbeathe

liladybug526, RN · Feb 2, 2009

Oh wow, you are in a difficult situation. The fact that you opened your home to your SIL and her son shows that you are a loving and caring person. While these are great qualities to possess they can also make it difficult to stand up for yourself when your generosity and kindness are being taken advantage of. I know that it is difficult to do but you really need to sit down with your SIL and tell her that while you have enjoyed being able to provide her with the assistance she needed it is time for her to stand on her own two feet. Perhaps you could get a listing of apartments in your area and make finding her new apt. fun. Another bargaining chip may be that she could qualify for some financial aid to finish school if she is living in her own place. Sometimes we build things up to be insurmountable but when we actually talk to the person we find that it was easier than we had envisioned. Good luck, and for once put yourself first!

Cilantrophobe · Feb 2, 2009

That sounds like a horrible and difficult situation. I feel very sorry for you that you are going through this.

Has she ever once complained about the fact that her child doesn't go to bed at a decent hour? Use ANY sort of situation, where she expresses even the slightest need for advice or help, as an opportunity to help her. Maybe she doesn't know how to put her son to bed and needs somebody to show her how. I know that probably sounds stupid but I find it bizarre that somebody who is one class from a bachelors degree, doesn't know how to put their child to bed. No wonder he sounds like a total brat. He is sleep deprived. IMHO she needs to follow your rules, at least SOME of them. And putting her son to bed is a good start. Because it honestly doesn't sounds like she has the means to move out soon, or money to contribute to the household.

She will respect you for laying down the law, especially if she wants a place to stay. And if she doesn't, there is no hope for the woman.

Believe me, I know how offended women can get when other people tell them how to raise their children (so no lecture please) but if it is unavoidable, I know it would be for me, you can do it politely. I am a hard &%$ and if I allowed to let somebody live in my house they better be ready to follow MY rules, and if a child is keeping me up 3 hours past my bedtime, I would be steaming mad. Especially if they didn't have ONE positive thing to contribute to the house.

And if she doesn't like it, she can move out. And you can have your life back!

**CalicoKitty, BSN, MSN, RN** · Feb 3, 2009

I agree with FutureNOVARN!

You should keep the "It's MY house, you'll follow MY rules". Make a list of 'rules'. Sure, you're not the parent, but if your SIL isn't acting as parent, then, set some rules. If she (and son) don't agree to said rules, then, remind her that MIL's house is probably still available.

Set rules for the kid like bedtimes. Maybe a 'no screaming in the house'. If he wants to scream, set him out on the porch or yard with mom.

Keep a 'no means no' attitude, too. If SIL says "no" to the kid, either she keeps her word, or she leaves?

Set up times for you to study that she's not using the TV (or otherwise being noisy).

Expect help with household chores. Maybe impress upon her that it's rude for you to have to come up with these lists as she's (likely) an adult, but since she's acting like a child, you're feeling pressured to treat her like one.

Maybe I've got no clue. I'm childfree, and when I read about toddlers, I'm quite happy for that decision.

allnurses Guide · Feb 3, 2009

She has called in to work 4 times in the last month, lets her son stay up until he finally just passes out, doesn't help with food, doesn't clean, etc. I no longer have the house because she is dominating the tv in the living room if she is home. Her son is used to getting what he wants so he screams about EVERYTHING!! M husband works so much that he isn't home to deal with most of it.
Luckily, I did tell her that I was in nursing school now and could NOT watch him. He goes to daycare but we still have to go get him, keep him when he is sick, etc. She works at WalMart so there is no telling what she will work from day to day. She gave us her schedule but it is all over the place.
I am just so tired. I am tired of the added mess, added bills, watching her sit around doing nothing when she is here, watching her son get into everything and scream until 1am.... I am just so angry that this is the way my first semester of nursing school is going. I am now exiled to the bedroom if I want to study.

First off, its not your responsibility to go get the kid, keep him on sick days etc. SIL needs to find a sitter, and pay for it.

Set times you are going to study, TV will be off, SIL is expected to take toddler to the park, to the mall, to HER room and keep him quiet.

She's working at Walmart? She should be chipping in a third of her salary for household needs, where else can she live so cheaply?

One of the important rules for nurses, and need to learn it in school but few do, is that you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself (and hubby) first.

Cilantrophobe · Feb 3, 2009

you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself (and hubby) first.

True that! This goes for all people, not just nurses.

I just wanted to clarify that I realize that just because somebody is staying with you doesn't give you the right to tell them how to raise their child. HOWEVER, if their child is a total nuisance, and your sleep, study time, or just peace in general are disturbed, something needs to be done about it. And I have every right to say so because my mom has allowed us to stay with her for almost an entire year now and we fully respect her and her boundaries. And if my mom said Benjamin needs to stop waking up in the night for a bottle I would definitely conquer that problem! Because it is something I have wanted to do for a while. I just don't want everyone to suffer in the process. Maybe your SIL just needs a little tough love!

And if she isn't contributing the household expenses she darn sure better be saving some money.

I get so angry when I hear about people who are taken advantage of, and most of the time it is family members. I know it is hard to stand up to family and set boundaries. I wish these family members that look for help had more respect for the house they are living in. Whatever you do I wish you luck. You have been put in such a difficult situation. :heartbeat