So one year, I ruined Thanksgiving. Not on purpose. It's just that I worked Thanksgiving Eve, which means my work shift rolled into Thanksgiving day. And there we are at the end of our shift, smiling, Snapchatting turkey messages, talking about how little sleep we were going to get because of all the being thankful celebrations. But you know what happened at 0530???? A child came in lifeless, coding. And when I say child, I mean an infant. And like always, we Spring into action methodically and critically thinking through what needs to happen. We need IV access. What medication and how much are we giving? Where do they fall on the Braslow tape? How long has it been since mom last saw the baby OK? What's the history? We work and work. And we work some more. The doctor asks if anyone else has any ideas.
We don't.
He calls mom in. Shows her that we've tried. We've tried everything. We can keep trying but really, our effort is futile.
Then that's it... time of death is called.
I cannot even begin to put into words what a mother who just lost her infant child sounds like. But I can't let that sound penetrate my brain... not yet. I have to be there for mom. I have to chart. I have to fill out the death packet. Call the Medical Examiner. Ask mom to pick a funeral home from the list I have to provide. I have to check on my other patients and make sure nothing is left undone. I have to give report to the oncoming day shift nurse on my other patients.
I have to do my job.
I don't even make it to my car before I lose it. My first pediatric code. I promise you, it's far worse than it sounds. But it's Thanksgiving, the only day I have off with my family. I need to get it together before I walk in the house. I'm supposed to be happy. Thankful. And I am. Truly. But I'm not present today. I'm not cheerful. I'm just there...
Death and destruction is something I see and experience nearly every day. Every. Single. Day. A Level 1 trauma facility, in a big metropolitan area. We see it all.
Destruction and death. Every. Single. Day.
So before you judge me or label me as callous and salty, I want you to think about the things these eyes have seen, what these ears have heard, what these hands have felt, and oh man, what this nose has smelled.
Nobody should have to see these things. But we do. And we cope the only way we know how. We laugh at inappropriate things or even inappropriate times. I know what we sometimes sounds like. Hell, I'll reflect on the things that come out of my mouth and be taken aback by how dark my mind is now.
Please do not think I do not care. I do. But if I let go for the young woman who just died after a horrific car accident, I cannot do my job to take care of the guy who just came in with chest pain and might be having a heart attack.
Or this baby, on Thanksgiving Day, who comes in at the end of my shift and needs me to be completely present to critically think my way through helping them.
I give a part of myself to each person who comes in. And the things these eyes have seen, what these ears have heard, what these hands have felt, and oh man, what this nose has smelled. They change you.
They have made me what I am ...
... damaged goods.
So please, don't judge me. I know what I sound like. I know sometimes the things that come out of my mouth and the things that we joke about are beyond messed up ...
But if we don't laugh through the horror, we'll never make it.
Take a deep breath!!! First off I hear ya!.... Crystal!
You are as accurate as accurate can be. Trust. We all feel this.. I can sense the hurried tone in your writing and that is in exact how we operate. You, sound like me, sounding like all of us. Nursing is not a joke.
But, you're writing this brings something to the forefront of my mind. Are we functioning PTSD people??.. Will this haunt us later.. Idk.
I know for me, I get through the shifts one day at a time. If theyre all clustered together fine. Hopefully my friends shifts will be too and we can meet up and go out and heal each other over food and drinks. If weeks go by and I can't see my friends, I feel more like you do writing this...
Either way, you have to find a way to see it, get real with it, curse if you have to, and move on. Really move on. .. Everytime you say wow, I cannot believe this.. You will see much worse., trust me.. It comes with the job. Again, you have to move on and make peace with it. Remember, Death is as certain as life for all of us..
Dont think of yourself as Damaged Goods, try your best to Enjoy your life!!
Unfortunately, we that work in the ER see death way too much. Pediatric codes are the worst. Rarely ever do they make it. I completely understand you and unfortunately I have been there too. Hang in there.
First of all thank you for being open and sharing your story with us. Wow!
Second your mention of laughing at inappropriate times reminded me of this afternoon when I was bringing this confused elderly man from X-ray back to his spot in ER. He yelled very loudly the entire time "Help! Help! Their trying to kill me! HELP!" (The X-ray techs had to move him about quite a bit for all the images requested which upset him) Nurses and Doctors, Care Aides and Unit Clerks come running to see what the commotion is about, only to see me, not holding back my laughter very well, pushing him down the hall, through the entirety of our ER to his spot in the far corner by the Ambulance Bay. My face was red and I couldn't stop laughing, almost silently thankfully. (With all his yelling, he couldn't hear me) I just couldn't keep a straight face and all the patients and their families must've thought I was a lunatic!
You were not a damaged good. God used you for a purpose. First of all, He gave life to that infant. He gave that infant to the world for a purpose. It was a very short time lived for him, but that infant had completed his mission and now must go back to his creator. You gave part of yourself to the infant's family. There were lessons to be learned for everyone. We are all here on earth to learn our lessons which bottom down to love. Love for God and love for one another. The Lord has giveth and the Lord has taketh away. Everything happens for a reason.
HiddenAngels
1,089 Posts
Lex,RN.
Whew!
Take a deep breath!!! First off I hear ya!.... Crystal!
You are as accurate as accurate can be. Trust. We all feel this.. I can sense the hurried tone in your writing and that is in exact how we operate. You, sound like me, sounding like all of us. Nursing is not a joke.
But, you're writing this brings something to the forefront of my mind. Are we functioning PTSD people??.. Will this haunt us later.. Idk.
I know for me, I get through the shifts one day at a time. If theyre all clustered together fine. Hopefully my friends shifts will be too and we can meet up and go out and heal each other over food and drinks. If weeks go by and I can't see my friends, I feel more like you do writing this...
Either way, you have to find a way to see it, get real with it, curse if you have to, and move on. Really move on. .. Everytime you say wow, I cannot believe this.. You will see much worse., trust me.. It comes with the job. Again, you have to move on and make peace with it. Remember, Death is as certain as life for all of us..
Dont think of yourself as Damaged Goods, try your best to Enjoy your life!!