Co-worker feels left out & referred to me as a bully today

[Nurse162]

I would really like some advice on how to handle this. I transitioned from inpatient to outpatient about 2 years ago. Two of the girls felt quite threatened for some reason, & at first I did feel a bit bullied. One of them wouldn't acknowledge me or look me in the eyes. In time we all grew & became good friends. We laugh & share problems & help each other now - we make a nice team. I am great friends with one of those women now; I'll call her Bretta. We tell each other everything & just connect very deeply. My coworker "Erin," however, has always seemed to be quite bothered by this. It started out pretty passive, like if Bretta & I walked to grab a coffee & came back, Erin would passive aggressively mention that we didn't ask her if she wanted one. I literally felt uncomfortable leaving the ward w/ Bre to get coffee or grab water or take a walk. I'm very friendly to Erin. We crack jokes & I'm always willing to help. She seems to be very fixated on my friendship w/ Bretta though. She now says things about how we can't be without each other when we aren't around. She told my boss we don't do work... although yesterday I received an award for going above & beyond during COVID... which probably perturbed her. She tells people we are mean to her. I have never once been rude to this girl, & if I had been, I would have apologized. Today we were given our annual competency & one part is on lateral violence. In front of my co-workers, she randomly said to my ANM, "if you ask me, we sure have A LOT of bullying & lateral violence around here." When asked what she meant, she said "um them" & pointed down to where Bretta & I usually sit. She said, "me vs. them." When a co-worker reacted & said "what are you talking about?" She said, "them leaving me out of everything is bullying." Later, Bretta was standing w/ a portable computer around the corner & I was sitting at the nurses' station next to Erin. Bre mentioned she re-scheduled something to Sept. I knew what she was talking about - an entrance exam as she is an LPN wanting her RN. I said I thought that was great if she didn't feel ready but she had to have a plan. She said "I don't like talking to you through a wall," & laughed. Erin then immediately grabbed her things angrily & said "I'LL JUST GO YOU CAN SIT HERE BRETTA" & started to walk away. I was a bit confused & kind of lightly said "Emily why would ya do that there are five open seats right next to us." She kind of brushed me off w/ her hand & said something I didn't hear. She then left the clinic.

I have never gone to a supervisor w/ an interpersonal issue. I usually just work it out as I am an open communicator. But this has been going on for about a year & a half. I am a grown woman who has a friendship w/ another grown adult. We like to take our breaks together & we are laughing a lot because we get along great. I am also friends w/ my other co-workers - never ignore anyone or do anything weird/mean-girlish. I can usually anticipate peoples' moods & needs & am very empathetic.

This however, makes me feel like I should draw a line. Sitting & talking to my ANM saying negative things about me after I leave work is inappropriate (he's kind of useless & just tries to say nothing). And not to be rude, but this girl literally does the bare minimum & no extra work. I have done major efficiency & workflow improvement projects. It's not a competition but she has no grounds to say I do no work. It doesn't make sense. I can brush it off, but when she starts referring to me stating I am a bully/lateral violence... That's unacceptable. It's my professional reputation & it's also really annoying. I get it, she feels left out. I don't know what else I can do for her. But I am not bullying this person. I see her getting more upset lately & I think I need to talk to my ANM about her odd fixation on my friendship w/ Bretta & resultant inappropriate behavior & offer a mediation or ask what he suggests I do. I don't think she knows that I am aware of all the things she's saying - she's hoping my image is tainted behind my back.

Am I overreacting or is this an appropriate response?

[amoLucia]

23 minutes ago, Crystal-Wings said:

OMG this sounds like high school/nursing school drama all over again! ?

Glad you agree. I said much the same a long time back!

[vintage_RN, BSN, RN]

This is a tough one...on one hand I can see her position...because I have felt that way and it isn't fun. I work in a large NICU, and it is very catty. There is a "cool girls group" like we're in high school that excludes others...it really makes for a toxic work environment. I know you said you don't feel you are excluding, but can you take a really good look at yourself and evaluate if maybe you are contributing to that environment? I say this because it has been brought up at my own workplace about this catty group and all of them claim to have no idea they are portrayed this way. Something to consider.

On the other hand, some people persistently feel left out and no matter what you do or your intention they will feel this way because it is a problem with THEM. how do I know this? Because I am that person. I often irrationally feel left out of things, over think things etc....I recognize this and have been working on it.  Maybe this person is much the same, and in that case it is a problem with her. I would continue to include her and be pleasant, but I do like the suggestion above of directly asking her to explain how she feels bullied, in a genuine way.

[Kooky Korky, BSN, RN]

Try asking her to join you after work for coffee or something like that.  Make it a time in which she has your undivided attention.  Then see if you can figure out why she is so troubled.

Some people do often or usually feel left out, as Vintage stated above.  It is interesting that she expresses that sentiment openly, as some people are embarrassed to admit this type of personal problem.

Do you think she is dangerous?  That is, might she snap and become violent?

Good luck.

 

[guest874748]

The fact that she is pushing for a friendship with someone who has made it pretty clear she really doesn't want to be friends points to other issues going on in her life. Depression, anxiety, poor self worth, I don't know. I'm a big believer in the concept that people accept the love they think they deserve

This kind of reminds me of my cats and dog. Personally, I don't really like animals that much. But they were all strays who managed to find their way to me whether I liked it or not. They are indoor/outdoor (doggy door) and mostly just chill on the patio doing whatever it is they do all day. They take such a small amount of my time and energy to tend to, but if it wasn't for me they would likely not be alive.

It's always cool to be kind. Is it really that big of a deal to invite her next time you and your friend take a snack break?

[dehoo]

Thank you, Nurse162, for sharing your workplace experience with all of us.

My initial thought while reading your post came from a Ted talk “how not to take things personally” that I recently watched because the speaker discusses what we can do when others are verbally aggressive towards us.  
In his talk, the first thing he says to consider is this: 1) Is it about me? or 2) is it NOT about me? Without knowing more about your situation, it seems like Erin’s issue is about you.  

The next step to take, if it is about you, is to give yourself empathy (if you feel like you actually have done something wrong) and to speak to the other person about how her actions and words have negatively affected you and what your professional expectations of her are.  I would personally do this without anyone else, especially management, because I believe it is important to create a comfortable and safe environment for her and yourself to share your thoughts and feelings.  

From my experience, these talks are more difficult the longer you wait to have them because the incidents and problems will be harder to remember, and there is also the possibility of new issues arising.

Good luck, Nurse162, and I look forward to hearing about how everything goes.

Take care.