Christmas With Louise

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find

out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

Christmas with Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace

before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What

they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every

Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his

poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream

come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult

bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.

You'll only confuse yourself I was there an hour saying things like, "What

does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made

it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard,

uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck

so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted

was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the

line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a

book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the

bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of

imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump,

Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in

during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled

the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate

some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.

I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my

brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present

that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would

bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all

agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the

family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas

dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.

"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's

doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had

several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her

clothes?", Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"

Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was

relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have

answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in

the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My

grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and

said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was

Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,

talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then

that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The

dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who

was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise

that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then

she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a

heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce

through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and

began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back

over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped

out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to

treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a

thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We

discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her

right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we

restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several

bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can

get out of the house.

CHEERS! :D

[Dave ARNP]

I think my merlot just flew like she did.

GREAT ONE!

Dave

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

Thanks, Dave. I like how grandpa reacted.

[FutureRN~Pookie]

Originally posted by MD Terminator

I think my merlot just flew like she did.

CHEERS!!

LMAO, good one, Fran!

Kacy

[FranEMTnurse, CNA, LPN, EMT-I]

Thanks Pookie.

Fran

[Sable's mom]

:roll :chuckle

Now who's gonna clean the coffee out of my keyboard?

I'm sitting here with tears rooling down my cheeks and can hardly breathe - DH's comment "you're on allnurses aren't you?"

Thanks for the laugh.

Linda

[sharann, BSN, RN]

This is hilarious! So funny. Thanks!

[FutureRN~Pookie]

Originally posted by lindaisanurse

DH's comment "you're on allnurses aren't you?"

Yep, everyone who's around me knows when I'm at home!

Kacy

[prmenrs, RN]

bump!

merry christmas!!!

[prmenrs, RN]

bump!

merry christmas!!!

[HannasMom]

That was so funny!!!! :Ball: :Santa1: :Snowman3:

I love these new smileys!!!

[Adam D. RN2005]

Oh my! The second grandpa started hitting on the doll, I lost it. Thanks for the much needed laugh before Nursing 4 finals.

Adam