I've been a Pediatric ICU nurse for 3yrs now, and I've seen it all. GSW on 4 yr olds, deglovings, MVA, ped vs. car, abuse- I was able to deal with all of that. But when I was in work on Friday I saw something that no human should ever see. I can't get the picture out of my head, everytime I think about it I start crying. I have no plan to quit my job or anything like that over this, and it hasn't affected my love of my job, but I am just so fixated on what happened. I was hoping if there were any paramedics, ED peep's, or just RN's who had experianced something way beyond the realm of reality- something truly horrific they could pass on how they dealt with it. Will the images fade? Will the tears dry up? I can't stand it right now. Please help.
Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I sent an email to the clinical psych nursing resource (our EAP), so hopefully I'll hear from her soon.
Very glad to hear it! (ok, read it)
I doubt you wait long. Thankfully, they seem to take job-related stresses (especially among healthcare workers) a lot more seriously than they did back when my breakdown occurred (only about a decade ago).
Wish you the best, and please feel free to write back on here. I've found the users of this (Allnurses.com) system to be (as a general rule) very helpful, and a caring bunch.
It sounds like you are taking some positive steps. You may also want to ask about EMDR therapy. You can find info on it on the web. There is a web site EMDR.com, too. Good luck to you.
It sounds like you are taking some positive steps. You may also want to ask about EMDR therapy. You can find info on it on the web. There is a web site EMDR.com, too. Good luck to you.
Just got off shift about an hour ago. Went and looked at the site, and now my head hurts. :) Will take a look at it after I've crashed for a number of hours (yawn)
Specializes in Education, Acute, Med/Surg, Tele, etc.
My husband who is a paramedic had a call that has haunted him to this day. It was over 15 years ago..but it was his first call as an EMT.
A little girl of 18 months drowned in a fish pond (only 6 inches deep!)...and he was on a porch trying so hard to bring her back..but she was gone. He will cry out in the night "come on baby...oh no honey please...please take a breath..take a breath..OH GOD PLEASE!" and wakes up in a sweat crying! It truely haunts him!
Then one day a few month ago we took my son for a play date to a house. YEP..that one! The pond was covered into a lovely rock garden, but my hubby turned three shades of white when we dropped my son off...and the nightmares returned almost nightly!
He realizes that some couseling would be of benifit but with his schedule has no time (paramedics have horrid schedules!), and we talk about it openly when we are alone to try to figure out why he can't let it go. We think it had much to do with it being his first code, a young sweet little child, and it was not sucessful. We talk about him being afriad more since he has a daughter who was a little bit older at the time this occured (she was 3) and how that would have shaken any parent, let alone the one trying to save her with everyone watching and counting on him....very stressful!
With talking it has helped some, but I don't think that ghost will ever leave him. But at the same time it has make him strive to be the best he can be so that he will never feel that powerless again (even if you loose someone...the fact that you know why helps...back then he was a newbie and didn't understand as much as he does now). So there was a positive in all of it...just took a long time without help to realize it.
He still had the nightmares, but less now (only about one time every 2-3 months now). But now that he knows he can talk to me about it (he WILL NOT talk about it with others because he cries hard..doesn't want others to see that!) it really helps...
He is more open to talking to a councelor though..maybe one day :). I consider it Post Tramatic Stress and stand by that...and that needs treatment when the patient is ready!
When I first got out of nursing school I went straight into the ICU. I knew that this was the area and specialty for me. I have always prided myself on my tender heart and caring nature; it was one of the main reasons I chose to become a nurse.
I had been working in the trauma surgical ICU for 6 months when my whole career changed for good. I had a 16 year old patient. He as an honor student and only child. He was gifted and on his way to a great life and an Ivy League school. He was standing on a busy street corner, waiting for his school bus, when a drunk driver hit him and drug him 30 feet. He was a complete mess. He had a multitude of internal injuries and had undergone several surgeries. He was intubated and wide awake. He was a very handsome young man and he was scared to death.
I came in that night and it was my turn to take care of him. He was doing better; it had been a long road to hoe for him. He had been in the unit for about 2 weeks and his parents kept vigil at his bedside. We had all grown close to the family and to the patient. Even though he was intubated, he would crack jokes, and smile. He was a real joy to take care of. Anyway, this night he started dropping his blood pressure. I called the resident he gave me some orders for a fluid bolus, and he responded to it well. About 2 hours later it started again. I called the resident again.....same order. About another 2 - 3 hours later I went in his room to give him his bath. There had been no significant changes in blood pressure, heart rate etc.... He was rock stable. I was gathering my supplies in the room and he started banging on the side rail. I walked over to him, took his hand, and tried to calm him.
He had the most petrified look on his face that I had ever seen. I called for help, and no sooner than I did that, he started spewing stool from around his ET tube. We called the code and the docs came, opened him up bedside and started taking clots out of his belly. His abdomen had perforated. During the code, this boy had periods of being conscious, it was the single most worst experience of my career to date. He died after nearly an hour of coding. Someone had called his parents in and I was devastated. I had never heard such wailing in all my life when he parents arrived. I was crying hysterically and they were trying to comfort me. I felt like everything was my fault, even though everyone said that there was nothing I could have done differently.
I took a week off work and talked to anyone who would listen. Do the tears dry up.......yes, but you will probably still shed some always. Can you get over it......yes. Will the nightmares go away......yes, but sometimes I still dream about him and it's been over 7 years. Take pride in the fact that you can feel. It is what makes you a great nurse. Seek help, talk, talk, talk, talk, and be prepared for it to happen again.
You will be fine, hold your head up, and take pride in you.
:crying2: Your story sent chills up and down me from head to toe. Sorry for the family and for you having to go thru that. I would imagine that experience made you an even better nurse even though it sucks that you had to go through that.
I've been a Pediatric ICU nurse for 3yrs now, and I've seen it all. GSW on 4 yr olds, deglovings, MVA, ped vs. car, abuse- I was able to deal with all of that. But when I was in work on Friday I saw something that no human should ever see. I can't get the picture out of my head, everytime I think about it I start crying. I have no plan to quit my job or anything like that over this, and it hasn't affected my love of my job, but I am just so fixated on what happened. I was hoping if there were any paramedics, ED peep's, or just RN's who had experianced something way beyond the realm of reality- something truly horrific they could pass on how they dealt with it. Will the images fade? Will the tears dry up? I can't stand it right now. Please help.
caren19, hopefully each day will get a little easier. Defiantly talk about it with co-workers or supervisor's and don't hold it in. And there are hundreds of us here,if you need anything please let us know.
I used to work as a cna on the adv. cardiac care unit (step down icu) and I was a sitter for a patient one night. I can't remember what procedure he had but he had been uncooperative with the staff earlier for getting a chest x-ray. I was assigned to just watch him because he was a little confused. Anyway, I was on telemetry from 1900-2300 and then went on the floor from 2300-0700 watching him. I took his vitals q4 and he had been running a little low and his O2 sats were low unless he had his oxygen on (6L). He was breathing kind of heavy and was really sweaty so I told the nurse about his respiraitons, vitals, etc. He was also nauseus but said he didn't want any meds. so I also told that to the nurse. He wanted to get up and sit on the couch for a bit so I got him up and gave him a bath and changed his clothes and bedding. I was going to bring him back to bed but he wanted to use the restroom before we went so 1/2 way to the bathroom he becomes incontinent (which didn't surprise me because he had incontinent expisodes before) so I called the nurse on my pager to bring me some supplies to clean him up. Then he began throwing up blood, a lot of blood. You know those big pink tubs you can use for bed baths? He filled up the whole toilet, and about as much as a pink tub full all over the floor. The nurse came in and helped me drag him to the chair and I held his head up so that he woudn't aspirate while she called the code. His eyes were rolled in the back of his head and the vomit was just spewing out of his mouth and nose.The nurses flooded in and the code team came in. About 8-10 people helped lift him onto the bed. They had to suction his mouth for a few minutes because the blood would just not stop coming out. It filled up two more canisters and another tub on the floor and all over me and the nurse. It looked like black coffee grounds. Then they got an artline and a weak rhythm and transferred him to ICU where he died later that day. I couldn't sleep and called every couple hours to check on his status. I felt so responsible because his oxygen wasen't on when I helped him to the bathroom. I don't remember if I got a portable O2 tank when I transferred him to the couch for a bath. I told him to put it on but he refused and said he didn't need it and started walking to the bathroom but the nurse said that it wouldn't have mattered anyway because he was throwing up so much blood that he couldn't have used the oxygen anyway. I was cancelled at 0300 and cried all night when I got home. I felt (and still do feel) very responsible for his death. He was in his late 40's-early 50's. I saw his obituary in the paper but was too scared to go to the funeral because I thought his family would blame me for killing him. I feel extra responsible because I was his 1:1 and had no other duties except to just watch him. I feel like I should have noticed the signs (even though sweating and frequent BR trips is common to heart failure) and maybe if someone else had been watching him, he'd be alive.
Another code I saw the man was blue/grey color and they called his wife in to say goodbye as they were doing chest compressions. He went into v-tach and they had to start compressions while he was still contious. She kissed his forehead, crying and then we cleared the calls and ran his bed over to the ICU. He also died. I cleaned up the room and got all the belongings to the family. Sad.
It hurts but it gets better. Talk to someone. My hospital didn't have an EAP program, so if you don't set up some appts. for debriefing or therapy. (hug)
UPDATE: I got an email back earlier this week from the EAP, I'm to email her back and set up a time to chat or have breakfast with her (i'm permanent nights). I've tried to discuss this sort of incidence in general with some of the other nurses without positive results. Maybe I should try talking to some of the older nurses, those who have been in the profession longer. Unfortunately, or not, myself and the fellow and the residant were the only ones who actually witnessed the herniation- I know they were as shocked and upset as I was, but I don't really feel comfortable talking to either one of them. So, I'm just going to follow up with the EAP woman. It also helped that the next shift I was on, i had a little baby girl- neuro watch who was just as happy as a clam, and cute as can be. I got to discharge her in the morning, which made me feel really good.
thanks for all your support. I really appreciate it, and need it.
Being in an Urban level 1 trauma center, we often get kids tragically injured...When we have any sort of stressful event, whether it involved a child or adult, we have a debriefing...its a wonderful get it out and talk about it, or just listen and know you weren't the only one affected...Talk to your manager about it, chances are, if it affected you so deeply, it could also be affecting others that maybe haven't said anything...maybe they could set something up for you. If not look in the phone book, there is always numbers out there for grief counseling and those sorts of things...you shouldn't have to suffer. It will eventually start affecting more than your sleep patterns...
Keely, no way could you be responsible for the death of the (blood-vomiting) man. You reported your findings to the nurse, repeatedly, as they happened. Oxygen won't stop the bleeding (obviously this man had been bleeding internally (into his gut) for some time (coffee-grounds emesis does not happen over a number of minutes) and with the amount of blood you describe (that he was vomiting) he MUST have blown a major vessel, or at the very least an artery -you would be impressed at how fast an artery can throw blood. The long and short of it is, the Oxygen (or lack of it) played absolutely no role in this event. For whatever reason, the man had a major bleed (this could EASILY account for his confussion and some of his defiance (don't need this or that), among other things) In any case, rest at ease, there is no way you could have prevented this event, but take solace in the fact that had you (or anyone else) NOT been there, the man would have died alone. With you being there, he at least had every chance available, and he was not alone.
I used to be involved in trauma (paramedic, in the field) and just got tired of it. The amount of blood you described tells me the man was likely dead long before his heart actually stopped. Just too much loss, and nothing anyone could have done about this -not at that point. You have no reason to feel guilty -please don't continue to punish yourself.
caren19
21 Posts
Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I sent an email to the clinical psych nursing resource (our EAP), so hopefully I'll hear from her soon.