Brand new to this

[StillRN]

Hello to everyone,

I am new to this site and new to all of this. I was fired last week after the pharmacy did an audit and I showed up with 4 pages of discrepancies. Honestly, most of them could be explained.. But I was advised by my union rep to admit and be humble and plea for mercy. That is what i did. The 5 people sitting across from me seemed sympathetic...but i knew i'd get fired. The next morning i got fired over speaker phone. I was advised to self report to BON and my states assistance program... which i did. My state has an alternative to discipline program where my license is untouched as long as i comply for the 5 year contract. I go for my assessment in 2 days. I will be able to look for work right away, but am scared to DEATH about not finding a job and what i should tell them on interviews. The director of HR told my union rep they wouldnt be turning it over o the DEA because there wasnt enough discrepencies and I only admitted to a few. I was vague.

I am still in shock and disbelief over this whole thing. The severe anxiety is easing up a little, now that I know what Im facing... but the depression is really getting bad. I feel like such a loser. Its humiliating. Especiallly since I lived with an addict for 3 years and swore i'd never end up like that... and also.. i had an almost brother in law who was a flight paramedic who was accused of stealing fentanyl 2 weeks before their wedding and told he would be prosecuted. He committed suicide 5 days before the wedding .

I dont know what happened or how i got to where i am. I've never had an addictive peronality... i could smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 2months and quit the next day. Im still struggling to believe i have an addiction vs severe depression and anxiety that I was self medicating for which disrupted the efficacy of my actual meds. But thinking back on my actions the past few weeks... the lengths i would go... just dont seem normal.

My job atmosphere has been horrible for the past few years. We were on our 4th director in a year and I was quite often a target because of my mouth.

The biggest reason i decided to admit was I didnt want them digging any more for fear of what they would find... which potentially could have been pretty bad.

Im a single mom and feeling pretty alone and scared. Just looking for support through this horrible time (Merry ***** christmas to me).

[smithm75]

I can completely relate to your situation and your circumstances...I share a similar story...it saddens me when I see posts and replies that are Judgemental and downright insensitive...suggestions and advice are often shared by those with no real experience...reading about and studying addiction and behaviors are completely different than living it...I have been an RN in recovery for two years...it is possible to get up...dust yourself off and use your experience to benefit someone else...but first you must admit that you have a problem...don't be defeated...this can be a tool to strengthen you.

[angelmomjr]

StillRN, ADN,RN,

I'm encouraging you to take a deep breathe. There are other nurses, pharmacists, doctors that

have gone through similar situations. Also be aware that each state has different requirements, so

what ever is suggested keep it in mind that in may not to pertain to you.

In PA, there is a 3yr program, NJ is a 5yr program and I am trying to gather more information

from each state. In both PA and NJ, after 6 months of outpt therapy and being in the programs, you

can go back to work. There are stipulations usually that a nurse can not return to supervising staff,

ICU,CCU and home healthcare. Again each state is different, I would do some internet research and

networking with other nurses in similar situations.

Also remember that there is a reason that you are there. Someone had recommended going for

the evaluation, definitely go and see what they say. After the evaluation, you will have some guidance

about your treatment. This will sound cruel, it's not meant to be, first most important objective is for

YOU to ACHIEVE SOBERTY AND BEING CLEAN. You can't work if you are impaired or suspected being

impaired. Would you want yourself or a family member to be cared for by an impaired nurse? The job

will be there in the future, and what to say during an interview.

I wish I could give you more information, there is lots to these programs. If you want more

information, I will gladly assist you any way I can. This is what helps to keep me clean and sober, is

to greet the newcomer and to give to them my experience, strength and hope. There is HOPE. Just

do it 1 day at a time.

[whodatme]

Hang in there. I know it seems overwhelming right now. To give you my two cents, this will be my 2nd time going through intensive outpatient therapy and through a state monitoring program. This recent issue involved me diverting(stealing) narcotics, getting fired, and I'm 99% sure I'll get prosecuted. That was around two months ago. And just recently, while I thought I was at my rock bottom, I made a poor choice to drink, then drive. Guess what? DWI. Yep. You want to talk about feeling hopeless? You want to talk about Guilt? Depression? Suicidal thoughts? Worthlessness? I still can't believe in the midst of my situation that I choose to make things worse. Not just for me...for my wife(who we just found out is pregnant), and our two beautiful girls. Here are my choices: 1.) Tell my wife and kids goodbye and do what needs to be done to end my suffering, or 2.) Stop. Remember God loves me NO MATTER WHAT. Let go of my pride, and allow myself to forgive myself of my mistakes. Then get up and do what needs to be done. One Day At A Time. One Minute At A Time sometimes. But, this too shall pass. We all make mistakes, then make more. I'm living proof. But, today, I have a choice. I must remind myself to forget the past. I know it's easier said than done. And I'm struggling with that this very moment. I hope you really do realize(as much as I need to) that we are not alone. God bless you and take care.

[feb127]

I too always seem to make a bad situation worse [emoji90]

Your in my prayers!

[StillRN]

Thank you to everyone for your replies..

Whodatme congratulations on the new baby! Im so sorry to hear about what you are going through. It does seem to always just get worse doesnt it? yesterday my car broke down in the freezing cold in the middle of the night... 90 tow bill and who knows whats wrong with my car. I dont even know yet if i will qualify for state insurance..and without it.. i wont be able to do any counseling or IOP or anything. I certainly cant say I am happy that there are others out there like me.. or at least going through what I am.. but Its comforting to know Im not alone. Though, i do feel alone. I wish i had a spouse to lean on... but i dont. I think about this stuff 24/7, as im sure many others do.. i obsess about it. I cant shut my brain off. Im still in shock I am even in this position. I may not even get unemployment. I cant even think about it.

In my state i dont have to wait to find employment.. I can look for work right away. Im still in the process of collecting references. Only 2 past co-workers know what happened and they are very supportive.. the rest have no clue (yet) and they all text me and let me know they miss me and how sad they are that Im gone. That helps a little.

Im trying my hardest to keep on keepin' on.. instead of just laying in bed all day. But its very daunting to think of all the things i need to do. Im tryiing the one minute at a time thing.. but then anxiety kicks in.. I just wish it would take away my appetite the way it did the first week..lol.

thanks for the support!!!

[whodatme]

LOL! I agree about the appetite issue! But, one day at a time. I can let myself get into a BAD place very easily if I allow everything to pull me down: guilt, shame, depression, hopelessness, fear. HOWEVER........ I know that GRACE WINS EVERYTIME! We all beat and beat and beat ourselves up for all this **** that we have done or caused or hurt or made worse. But God's grace is soooooo much more powerful than that. Everyday, I start with a prayer. And I tell God I'm done with holding on to sins that you have saved me from. I pray we all find strength in the one who can take us and love us and remind us the debt is already paid in full. We win because grace wins. Thank you God. God bless.

[Isanahlei]

I spent 7 years in Florida's IPN program for a DUI. So I know one can get through it. It wasn't anything that I thought I would need or have to go through. But it is what it is. Hang in there. If you value your license, you will do what you need to do.

[Isanahlei]

IV Benadryl? Your own concoction? WTH does that mean?

[StillRN]

IV Benadryl? Your own concoction? WTH does that mean?

I tried mixing pills with saline.. but got it from work also.

[Isanahlei]

I see. I had never heard of that. Does not taking the pills orally not have the same effect? Seems a bit extreme. I can't say I would have ever thought of doing that. Not saying I ever would. Taking anything intravenously would give me negative connotations.

[Isanahlei]

Just do what is necessary to keep your license. I wasn't an alcoholic, but I stupidly got a DUI. That had me in Florida's IPN for 7 years. I attended AA meetings, and the Serenity Prayer crosses across all walks of life.

[dirtyhippiegirl, BSN, RN]

I tried mixing pills with saline.. but got it from work also.

Yikes! Glad you are still alive. I have had patients shoot up their pills to varying degrees of ill effect.