whodatme

Well, I received learned that there is a third party company that gives information regarding a persons history of being in a monitoring program....not cool.

This is such a difficult topic for all of us at some level. We have dealt with addiction ourselves or dealt with someone close to us in the midst of addiction. I have a father that deals with addiction issues. I lost my mother when I was 20 to a drunk driver while she was walking home from work. I learned about addiction through these circumstances and while in school. In fact the night before my first day as a nurse I had a lady call me and tell me "Your dad needs some help. He is trying to withdrawal from drinking and it's been about 8 hours." I proceeded to go to downtown Dallas and pick him up, take him to parkland, and sit and wait for him to either start seizing or lose his mind. Luckily, he got real confused fast, so they admitted him. He was there for 2 weeks. Didn't know where he was or who I was. The doctor told me he had Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. I remember learning that in school because of his drinking. I was prepared for the worst. Watching him tremor while walking and trying to eat was devastating. He slowly recovered and gained I think all memory and function. So..... I figured I was the poster boy for being anti-addiction! There was noooo way that I would fall in that trap, or allow myself to become victimized enough to succumb to addiction. I knew genetics weren't in my favor. I had too many in my family deal with addiction issues. While in school, I started developing panic attacks. That slowly lead to an extensive form of agoraphobia. Also, the depression that came with feeling so much of your life is destroyed, or taking away, because of my anxiety disorder. I worked, and not much else. I did hang out with my friends. And I learned that alcohol kind of blocked me having to deal with my issues. And that double edged sword slowly turned on me. I too became addicted. I have somewhat gotten that in control of my life. But like a lot of other people with addiction, I learned what cross-addiction was after having my ACL replaced. Like others have said, "we don't become the monster that we are overnight". It slowly develops and the addiction takes over. I would NEVER CHOOSE to steal narcotics from work, or break in my mothers house for her pain meds. Or steal the pain patch off of my slowly dying grandmother. But, here I sit. With a lot of guilt, shame, disgust, loneliness, despair, and fear. Of course, the things we choose to fill that "hole" with sometimes become much worse than what we ever dealt with in the first place. I really have learned a lot about addiction over these past several years. It so easy to run and hide from it. Or not want to deal with it and have to think about it. In the big book, it says "fear sobered me for a bit. Than came that insidious insanity of that first drink". I know today that I must practice humility in my recovery. And not arrogance. And I know I can't do this on my own. My God is bigger than all this. It's human nature to be in the driver seat. But, I must remember, when I'm in the driver seat, God can't be in control. It's so simple, but not easy. God bless all of you.

LOL! I agree about the appetite issue! But, one day at a time. I can let myself get into a BAD place very easily if I allow everything to pull me down: guilt, shame, depression, hopelessness, fear. HOWEVER........ I know that GRACE WINS EVERYTIME! We all beat and beat and beat ourselves up for all this **** that we have done or caused or hurt or made worse. But God's grace is soooooo much more powerful than that. Everyday, I start with a prayer. And I tell God I'm done with holding on to sins that you have saved me from. I pray we all find strength in the one who can take us and love us and remind us the debt is already paid in full. We win because grace wins. Thank you God. God bless.

Hang in there. I know it seems overwhelming right now. To give you my two cents, this will be my 2nd time going through intensive outpatient therapy and through a state monitoring program. This recent issue involved me diverting(stealing) narcotics, getting fired, and I'm 99% sure I'll get prosecuted. That was around two months ago. And just recently, while I thought I was at my rock bottom, I made a poor choice to drink, then drive. Guess what? DWI. Yep. You want to talk about feeling hopeless? You want to talk about Guilt? Depression? Suicidal thoughts? Worthlessness? I still can't believe in the midst of my situation that I choose to make things worse. Not just for me...for my wife(who we just found out is pregnant), and our two beautiful girls. Here are my choices: 1.) Tell my wife and kids goodbye and do what needs to be done to end my suffering, or 2.) Stop. Remember God loves me NO MATTER WHAT. Let go of my pride, and allow myself to forgive myself of my mistakes. Then get up and do what needs to be done. One Day At A Time. One Minute At A Time sometimes. But, this too shall pass. We all make mistakes, then make more. I'm living proof. But, today, I have a choice. I must remind myself to forget the past. I know it's easier said than done. And I'm struggling with that this very moment. I hope you really do realize(as much as I need to) that we are not alone. God bless you and take care.

Hey Lostie1977, I truly appreciate your honesty. I believe there are reasons we go through these things--to help other people going through the same thing. I am in almost your exact situation. I am in the midst of the beginning of it since just recently getting fired from diverting(stealing) narcotics and then a horrible choice of drinking and getting a dwi. I didn't think it could get any worse after getting fired, but it did after one stupid mistake of driving. I have been either depressed, suicidal, ashamed, full of fear and guilt. I know I have two choices: give up(whatever that entails, leaving behind a two beautiful little girls and a wonderful wife who is pregnant) or keep fighting. I truly didn't think I would ever be in a situation like this, but her I sit. I don't know what my future holds in regards to nursing, but I am started to understand that if i'm not sober, nothing else matters. Every time I sit here and start feeling sad or guilty, I make myself think of something positive. That way it reminds me that I have a choice today, and that gives me hope. Just focus on today. Thank you againg for your honesty for it has helped me. God bless.

Bah humbug! Thanks for the clarity. And hang in there.... :)

I'm a little confused on the complaint and being on your license record. What does that mean? Will all places who verify your license through the BON be able to see a complaint, or do you mean change in status as in discipline action? Sorry, just confused.

Thanks Sissiesmama! I really appreciate you telling your story. It does comfort me knowing that I'm not the only one who has walked this path and it is great to be able to talk about it with fellow nurses. I am continually giving everything over to God. I feel God is showing me and blessing me with so many wonderful things and people. I truly appreciate you writing and I hope God continues to bless your life!

I live in the in the Dallas area and my wife works at the same hospital I was fired. It is hard to think about sometimes(questions/gossip my wife has to deal with) because I will allow it to eat at me and that doesn't nothing good for me or my recovery. The serenity prayer really helps me focus and keeps me grounded. I'm sure it will take as long as i've been dealing with my addiction to be okay with myself and finally forgive myself. But, I needed to be rescued from my own life. So, people may talk, throw stones, and judge you by what really doesn't define you as a person. They'll move on and we shall continue to fight. And we must always remember, our God is bigger than all these issues!

Wonderfully said sororAKS! This is where "the rubber meets the road" happens. It is so easy to get caught up in "what if?" thinking or to just make a checkoff list of what needs to be done. But the fact is, we are dealing with addiction. It has to be faced, and faced honestly. I really didn't want to face all the stuff I did and stuff that needed to be done. I finally gave my power over to God and prayed he would find me where I was. And I was in a bad place. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am powerless over my addiction. I acknowledge that daily. I have realized a lot lately, but a powerful message at my church helped me understand that my issue is God, not my circumstances. I was so broken, and I was dealing with a lot of guilt and shame. I kept saying, "God, change my circumstances, and i'll be happy", and God says "get close to me, and regardless or your circumstances you'll be happy". It's so easy to get fixated on just doing what needs to be done on paper. But when you really get down to the point of dealing with yourself and focusing on really taking inventory on who you are and want to find "true" happiness, there's nothing else to focus on. Not trips, not bills, not inconveniences, nothing. Best of luck to you and God bless.

I would NOT surrender your license. It actually is much more difficult to be reinstated. I mean if you are ok with not ever doing nursing, maybe it's an option. But legally, they do report it to DEA and talk to the state in regards to possible prosecution. So, showing humility and going through either impatient/outpatient rehab, AA/NA, and self reporting are things that will help you in the long road, and i'm not talking about just your job. Remember, wherever you go or do, you are still you. It didn't matter the job, situation, place..I couldn't stop using. I have to finally admit to myself that I was powerless over ___, and that my life had become unmanageable. Sure, I'm a great guy, have a wonderful wife, two beautiful little girls, a house, two cars, etc,. But apparently I didn't know how to cope and manage being me, and the alcohol/drugs slowly took over. So, maybe try to just let go and try something that might be hard to do at first. It does take work. But, somewhere in the middle of all that mess, guilt, shame, doubt, fear, and struggle, that's where you find God. But you must absolutely believe Step 1. God bless and keep on fighting.

Hang in there. Look, EVERYBODY has some sort of vice or issue in life. You'll take it one day at a time and learn to be ok with being you. And that is something i'm trying to understand. Alcohol and drugs weren't the real problem. It was me. I didn't know how to just be myself without stuffing it full of whatever. All of the BS that I worry about is something I can't control and it will pass. Good luck and God bless.

"Not worth it in my opinion." Disregard certain people's opinions. This is YOUR life and your very young. 35+ years more of work...whew. Nursing is great. Hurdles ahead. Sure. But there will always be hurdles. Pray about it and allow God to lead you wherever your needed. Who knows what amazing things might be around the corner? Only God! Take care and good luck!

I'm sorry, but not at one point in my writing did I ever pretend to assume what people say may be my fate? I was thanking odaat for his kind words of wisdom, and then I wrote an update about my feelings.

When I did TPAPN several years ago, I missed 2-3 times. The main is to just go test. Like they said, I believe option 1. And always leave a message with your case manager if you don't get a hold of them. We all forget sometimes, even though you would think we wouldn't. Days go into days go into months, then your like "damn, did I call/check today? AWWW!" But it's all good. Take care.