Cup of coffee: check.
Bottle of water: check
Jumping jacks: check check check!
ED nurse bladder: sigh. Check.
You know the scenario: you are hired into a position with a new employer, and one of your first tasks is a visit to Employee Health. If you're lucky to remember, you know that you're going to have to provide a urine specimen for a drug screening, and you don't urinate before you leave home. If you are unlucky, you forget and merrily empty your bladder before getting in your car; after all, as an ED nurse you know that a full bladder is more likely to rupture with trauma, and you are in the habit of peeing before you drive!
You arrive at Employee Health, and the first thing the nurse asks for is - yes, that's right! - a urine sample. You frantically gulp down the rest of your coffee, picturing how your sacred morning sustenance could possibly reroute itself directly from the esophagus to the bladder, because guess what? You have a "q shift" bladder, the before-shift-and-after-shift bladder, the kind of bladder that must be very full before you even think about hitting the latrine. Oh dear. You take the cup from the nurse, who informs you that you cannot flush the toilet after you void, and that the bathroom has no running water at the sink. No running water?! I can't even turn on the sink for water noise? This is bad.
But, you're game. You're hopeful. We always tell our ED patients that everyone usually has at least a smidgen in the bladder, right?
So you sit. And sit. And try not to think about going, but thinking about going the whole time. You tell yourself that at least it's not like an Army "whiz quiz" where you have someone observing you the entire time - yes, the entire time. Eyeballs on you. Anyway, you push on your bladder, encouraging it to cough up just enough urine. You think you might ... wait ... maybe ... no. You feel a stirring in your abdominal region, but it's not the right kind; apparently the morning coffee has not failed to keep you regular! You realize that you can't flush the toilet, and you really don't want to leave that kind of gift for the nurse and make such an impression on the entire staff of Employee Health, all of whom seem to sit in very close proximity to this drug screen bathroom. You realize that any straining for urine is going to possibly result in urine, but definitely provide other products you'd rather not share with staff. It's a delicate balance right now! It could go either way.
The nurse knocks smartly on the door and calls your name, and you give up for now. She tells you that's okay, you can try again after she goes over your immunization record and checks your blood pressure.
Thirty minutes go by, and the entire time the back of your brain is asking, do you have to go yet? Do you have to go yet? Maybe? Hmmm? No? You ask for some water, and the nurse shows you to the drinking fountain and gives you a cup. Oh yum.
You down about 8 cups of water, silently cursing your bladder that will undoubtedly ask for repeated bathroom breaks for the entire rest of the day after consuming all this water. You ask if you can come back later, and are told that no, you cannot leave Employee Health without providing a specimen. Seriously?! What is the point of that? What is going to change? But fine, you'll play along. You are directed to the waiting area, where you drink a few more cups of water and resort to jumping up and down, just to test the waters, so to speak.
It's 0830 now. You have to be at HR across the campus in 30 minutes. Your bladder is blissfully unaware of this time crunch, despite repeated silent pleas from your mind. Jump, jump, jump, water. You repeat this process for the next five minutes. Finally you emerge from the waiting room and announce (to everyone and your bladder) that you are NOT going to be a hostage to your bladder any longer! The nurse applauds your enthusiasm and retrieves your empty specimen cup from a storage area, and you go back into the silent, no-running-water bathroom. You sit, and you're ready! Go bladder go! Is that an impulse? An urge? You push on your bladder, and hey ... maybe ... your bladder stirs to life, and says, yes? Oh, now? You position the cup, and hope ... and HOPE ... and ... yes! Just a couple of drops, but you know that once you break the seal, it's going down. You manage to fill the cup to the appropriate line, and then you keep going ... and going ... and going! Enough for three specimens! You complete your task, and almost flush when you realize that you can't! You come out and triumphantly hand your cup to the nurse, who remarks that you should drink more water on a regular basis. Yes, of course!
Then you walk briskly across campus and arrive 5 minutes early at HR, which is great - because you have to pee again!
