Balancing family and career?! CONFUSED and paranoid and wanting to get my RN but ...

stefanyjoy · Mar 15, 2011

I am so sorry that you have so many responsibilities at such a young age. Does your mom realize that you feel it is up to you to lead your family? Especially since she is not going to work because she's too depressed? How old are your siblings? Is there anyone else that you can reach out to for guidance (father, aunt, grandparent, etc)? 17 is too young to have such a weight. :crying2:

Also, I didn't think you had to have a diploma yet to fill out a FAFSA. I know the financial aid deadline is May 15th, but can't you go ahead and submit it? I know I did one before I had graduated HS. All it does is tell your prospective schools what you are eligible for if you were to attend. It doesn't require proof of enrollment or GED/diploma.

anonymousstudent · Mar 15, 2011

First of all, get another plan in place right now. Yours is great if it works out. And it might. But there are a whole lot of contingencies and things that depend on other people to complete which is a recipe for disaster. Just don't expect a smooth ride, plan for the worst.

As far as the family situation, if your mom wants to move she needs to move. I don't know you from Adam and I've only read this post, but it sounds like there's some unhealthy co-dependency going on here. You have things backwards in your mind. SHE is the mother, not you. And NO, THAT IS NOT HARSH. You are in an abnormal situation. You don't owe her anything. Should you help her? Of course, she's your family and your siblings are there too. But you should have somebody else guiding you at this point about what you are doing in that home situation, it's a mess.

Good luck to you, start getting your pre-reqs scheduled.

Skylarslaughter · Mar 15, 2011

I am so sorry that you have so many responsibilities at such a young age. Does your mom realize that you feel it is up to you to lead your family? Especially since she is not going to work because she's too depressed? How old are your siblings? Is there anyone else that you can reach out to for guidance (father, aunt, grandparent, etc)? 17 is too young to have such a weight.
Also, I didn't think you had to have a diploma yet to fill out a FAFSA. I know the financial aid deadline is May 15th, but can't you go ahead and submit it? I know I did one before I had graduated HS. All it does is tell your prospective schools what you are eligible for if you were to attend. It doesn't require proof of enrollment or GED/diploma.

My little brother is 14 and starting high school soon, and my sister is 16 but cannot take care of herself and has a lot of learning disabilities. My grandmother is the only person that has really helped me out and been there to talk to, she is helping to pay for CPR classes for me and my mom and helped me to convince my mom to take it...but my grandmother is also struggling and trying to sell her home and wants to help as much as possible but there's only so much.

And there's no requirment of a GED to submit the FAFSA? In that case I'm going to check it out and see, because getting that done as soon as possible would help so much, thanks for telling me.

I don't really mind having to go to school maybe even work I just want my family to be able to help me out and cooperate with me, I'm sure it won't be this hard forever.

Skylarslaughter · Mar 15, 2011

First of all, get another plan in place right now. Yours is great if it works out. And it might. But there are a whole lot of contingencies and things that depend on other people to complete which is a recipe for disaster. Just don't expect a smooth ride, plan for the worst.
As far as the family situation, if your mom wants to move she needs to move. I don't know you from Adam and I've only read this post, but it sounds like there's some unhealthy co-dependency going on here. You have things backwards in your mind. SHE is the mother, not you. And NO, THAT IS NOT HARSH. You are in an abnormal situation. You don't owe her anything. Should you help her? Of course, she's your family and your siblings are there too. But you should have somebody else guiding you at this point about what you are doing in that home situation, it's a mess.
Good luck to you, start getting your pre-reqs scheduled.

I know my situation is whacked and I really do wish sometimes that my mom was strong and could be normal and take care of me instead of the other way around....it wasn't always like this, just has been for the last year or so.

But I think the light at the end of the tunnel is getting my RN. In order for me to really get there I have to practically SHOVE my mom into quitting drinking and getting back on track. I've noticed that my grandmother is the only one willing to help out in the situation, I really have no ties with other family members.

Saysfaa · Mar 15, 2011

You would be better off taking the extra year so you can spread the classes out and allow yourself a better chance of success in them.

I do realize how much you want to go faster but 13 credits over the summer (assuming your school is like most in having a 8 week term for summer instead vs the 16 week fall and spring terms) is 26 hours just in the classroom per week, plus about 52 hours of study (rule of thumb is two hours of homework/study per hour of lecture, assuming you have reasonably good study habits and are not mensa material)... totalling 78 hours per week plus any travel time. Actually, probably more than that because your chemistry and A&P I probably have labs attached and labs mean double the time in class. That is unrealistic even if it were not your first experience at college level, and more so since it is your first experience at the college level.

In addition, there are few options in nursing for those with low grade point averages. If you just had to pass the classes rather than do well in them and you have good study skills, test taking skills, paper writing skills and time management skills, and nothing else going on in your life, it might be worth thinking about.

stefanyjoy · Mar 15, 2011

I agree with the PP. You need to slow the classes down a little and focus on one thing at a time. If you make a bad grade in a required course, it could really haunt you for a long time.

You said you've really only had to deal with the responsibilities for the past year or so. I'm guessing your mom became really depressed recently and just unloaded this on you? You and your grandmother should have some kind of intervention. She can't just give up and appoint you the new mom. That is not how things work. You need to tell her that you're going to focus on a successful future for yourself and you cannot worry about how your little brother and sister are going to get fed. Please do not take this offensively, but your mom needs to grow a pair and stop being so selfish. I grew up with a mentally ill mother too, most of it stemming from deep depression on her part. I'm 25 now and I still hurt from the lack of guidance that my parents provided when I was a teenager. My dad didn't give a **** either and it led to a lot of problems for me.

I don't mean to diss you mom or seem insensitive. I have a lot of personal issues about growing up with a severly depressed mother. Being a mother myself, it horrifies me to think of putting my daughter through what I went through. My mom didn't medicate herself properly or exercise (abused sleeping pills/narcotics etc) and blamed everyone else for her depression. So it really chaps my ass when I see people your age totally lost without the proper parental guidance.

I really feel for you. I know what you're going through, but right now you have to focus on what is best for you. Your mom isn't going to let your siblings go homeless or starve; you cannot let her become co-dependent on you.

Fill out your FAFSA online (you'll get the results in a couple days). You may need to get your mom's tax information from 2010 (w2) however. The least she could do is help you with that.

Also, once you get your diploma PLEASE made an appointment with your advisor at the college you are attending. You need some guidance and it is important that you reach out to someone to lead you.

I wish you the best of luck :redpinkhe

CuriousMe · Mar 15, 2011

I know my situation is whacked and I really do wish sometimes that my mom was strong and could be normal and take care of me instead of the other way around....it wasn't always like this, just has been for the last year or so.
But I think the light at the end of the tunnel is getting my RN. In order for me to really get there I have to practically SHOVE my mom into quitting drinking and getting back on track. I've noticed that my grandmother is the only one willing to help out in the situation, I really have no ties with other family members.

Is there a counselor at school? Just someone you can speak with? Have you ever been to an Al Anon or Alateen group? These are free, and are made up of folks who have someone in their life who drinks (the Alateen group is made up of teenagers).

You saying that you need to SHOVE your mom into not drinking is concerning. The only person on the planet you can make do something is you....you can't make your Mom do anything, she makes her own choices. You are responsible for you, your Mom is responsible for your Mom and you and your siblings.....not the other way around. I know it's your family and you want to help your Mom.....but trying to force her to do things, isn't actually helping.

Here's a link for Al Anon and Alateen: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

stefanyjoy · Mar 15, 2011

+1 for Al-Anon, they are such a wonderful group. Alateen sounds great too!!!

caliotter3 · Mar 15, 2011

You can't shove your Mom into anything. You will learn this when you start attending Al-Anon or Alateen meetings. Focus on her and you will never accomplish anything. Tend to yourself first. Then you will be in a better position to help her. Until then, she must help herself.

Skylarslaughter · Mar 15, 2011

I agree with the PP. You need to slow the classes down a little and focus on one thing at a time. If you make a bad grade in a required course, it could really haunt you for a long time.
You said you've really only had to deal with the responsibilities for the past year or so. I'm guessing your mom became really depressed recently and just unloaded this on you? You and your grandmother should have some kind of intervention. She can't just give up and appoint you the new mom. That is not how things work. You need to tell her that you're going to focus on a successful future for yourself and you cannot worry about how your little brother and sister are going to get fed. Please do not take this offensively, but your mom needs to grow a pair and stop being so selfish. I grew up with a mentally ill mother too, most of it stemming from deep depression on her part. I'm 25 now and I still hurt from the lack of guidance that my parents provided when I was a teenager. My dad didn't give a **** either and it led to a lot of problems for me.
I don't mean to diss you mom or seem insensitive. I have a lot of personal issues about growing up with a severly depressed mother. Being a mother myself, it horrifies me to think of putting my daughter through what I went through. My mom didn't medicate herself properly or exercise (abused sleeping pills/narcotics etc) and blamed everyone else for her depression. So it really chaps my ass when I see people your age totally lost without the proper parental guidance.
I really feel for you. I know what you're going through, but right now you have to focus on what is best for you. Your mom isn't going to let your siblings go homeless or starve; you cannot let her become co-dependent on you.
Fill out your FAFSA online (you'll get the results in a couple days). You may need to get your mom's tax information from 2010 (w2) however. The least she could do is help you with that.
Also, once you get your diploma PLEASE made an appointment with your advisor at the college you are attending. You need some guidance and it is important that you reach out to someone to lead you.
I wish you the best of luck :redpinkhe

Yeah that's how my mom is....she has many 'soft' drug addictions, she drinks all the time, smokes ciggerettes and marajuana and obsesses over extremely petty things because she has let herself sink so low and blames EVERYONE but herself...I honestly feel like I have become the motherly one in the sense that I am the one that thinks realistically and is trying to get her on her feet...for instance...she talks on and on about 'winning the lottery' and how money would make everything better and I feel so annoyed at times and have to tell her that people need to work hard to earn money. She blames her mother [my grandmother] for everything that went wrong in her life and for not being there and such and while I always believed her...I'm starting to see the WHOLE story and both sides you know? She's everything that she hates, she's everything and worse that she ever claimed was bad about her mother and upbringing as far as being stubborn and acting like the world owes her. While my grandmother may have done some wrong things in life and maybe didn't provide the perfect upbringing...she's trying to help now and really has changed. It scares me because while I don't want to shame my mother in anyway and love her to death, I don't ever want to be like her.

I filed for my FAFSA last night using my mom's tax form, luckily she just filed it, and it 'estimated' that I might be eligible for a completely full grant based on the fact that my household isn't capable of providing any funds as of now. So hopefully I'll get it!

And thank you for your thoughts and advice!

Skylarslaughter · Mar 15, 2011

Is there a counselor at school? Just someone you can speak with? Have you ever been to an Al Anon or Alateen group? These are free, and are made up of folks who have someone in their life who drinks (the Alateen group is made up of teenagers).
You saying that you need to SHOVE your mom into not drinking is concerning. The only person on the planet you can make do something is you....you can't make your Mom do anything, she makes her own choices. You are responsible for you, your Mom is responsible for your Mom and you and your siblings.....not the other way around. I know it's your family and you want to help your Mom.....but trying to force her to do things, isn't actually helping.
Here's a link for Al Anon and Alateen: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

I'll check that out...it's just I'm worried because she's had this drinking problem for years but it's getting worse and worse. And I cannot tolerate her when she is drunk, I get so annoyed and she doesn't care about anything and I wonder how the heck I am going to study with that. She keeps saying she'll quit drinking but anytime we are at the grocery store she goes torwards the wine and I'm like "mom please don't" and she gets mad and tells me I am being annoying and to get way from her...so I really don't know what to do about that. If I can't make her stop then I have to deal with it :/