As nurses, Do We "OverHelp?" Can we Change?

Nurses General Nursing

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yes as nurses we want to help everyone. our patients, our families, our friends, strangers on the internet :specs: .

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[color=#483d8b]but do we "overhelp". in other words does our helping actually hinder progress they could be making on their own. i know in years past i would always be the one to jump up and try to do it all for everyone. if you needed it done, i was the one.

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[color=#483d8b]but now, in the past year, i realize that it is not always a good idea to do things for others that they can do quite well for themselves. i push my pt's to do more for themselves and feel really good and think they do too.

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[color=#483d8b]i notice it all around me too, even with my other nurse friends. one of my friends does everything for her hubby and they are about to split up!

[color=#483d8b]he is a big boy and can make his on phone calls, write out his own checks, etc.. why she feels the need to do all this stuff is beyond me. are we feeding a need within us?

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[color=#483d8b]even on here, when people ask stuff they can easily google or search right here on all nurses yet don't, there are always plenty of people that will do it for them. why? again are we feeding something within us? are we overhelping?

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[color=#483d8b]feedback?

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Specializes in Lie detection.
yes, i have to admit that i'm guilty of it - i don't know if it comes from so many years in icu - but i can't stop myself from wanting to hold their glass as they drink, pull their covers up, etc. it's a hard habit to break.

but - when i get home, they're on their own!:D

i know exactly what you mean. it's been quite a challenge for me not to do things for my pt's but to teach them how to care more for them selves when they can. it's a slow process that's for sure!

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[color=#483d8b]i am a bit guilty of it myself at home. i would intervene with anything medical with my fiancee, ie: make appts for him and follow up on things. not anymore, he does it. i'm now letting him help me with stuff which is a complete miracle .

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You call it overhelp I call it fixing. I have to fix everything and do everything. I do this not only with my patients but with my family to a fault. I can not help it , I think it is a control issue with me and possibly part of a co-dependent thing. Is there a drug to take to stop? Like an apathy pill.

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this could go both ways maybe can meet somewhere inbetween ?

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Specializes in Cardiac, ER.

Wouldn't the Press Ganey folks get a kick out of this thread??!!!!!:lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

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Months ago, in ICU, I took care of an elderly pt who was also mentally retarded and in a home. I don't remember his dx. Anyway, he didn't move his hands much so I fed him his meals. Family called and said that he could feed himself. So, I stopped feeding him, moved things around on the tray so he could reach everything and put the fork in his hand and kindly told him to feed himself. He gave me the puppy dog look, then puckered up like he was going to cry. I had to tell myself to stay strong. I walked away but stood close enough so I could watch him. After he realized no one was going to feed him, he started feeding himself. And he did fine! He picked up cups, spoons, etc all by himself. Instead of finding out what he could do I jumped in and did it myself. Could you imagine what would have happened if no one knew that he could feed himself? He wasn't moving his hands much (stroke I think) so he would gradually lose that ability.

Also, I find myself rolling the head of the bed up on able bodied people when I'm setting up their meal trays. I also open every container even on pts who could do it themselves. I want to be nice and polite and I think that's a polite thing to do.

I think we can change but it will be gradual.

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Specializes in Lie detection.
you call it overhelp i call it fixing. i have to fix everything and do everything. i do this not only with my patients but with my family to a fault. i can not help it , i think it is a control issue with me and possibly part of a co-dependent thing. is there a drug to take to stop? like an apathy pill.

"fixing" works the same way. i just worry that we are doing harm to ourselves and not really helping. i do agree with you, it may be a control thing. i just don't know all the answers!

this could go both ways maybe can meet somewhere inbetween ?

[color=#483d8b]well i certainly don't mean to stop assisting anyone. no, not that. after all we are caregivers, it's a part of us and it is our job ;) . maybe just change a little how we help.

after he realized no one was going to feed him, he started feeding himself. and he did fine! he picked up cups, spoons, etc all by himself. instead of finding out what he could do i jumped in and did it myself. could you imagine what would have happened if no one knew that he could feed himself? he wasn't moving his hands much (stroke i think) so he would gradually lose that ability.

also, i find myself rolling the head of the bed up on able bodied people when i'm setting up their meal trays. i also open every container even on pts who could do it themselves. i want to be nice and polite and i think that's a polite thing to do.

i think we can change but it will be gradual.

loved your post and it's exactly what i'm talking about. many people can do so much more than we realize or allow them to. let's let them try! i think as good nurses we can safely teach them and provide backup so they can do for themselves. this can also carry over into our home life if we like to "fix"/overhelp there too.

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[color=#483d8b]i think you're right, we can change and it will be gradual. i know that i am making small changes daily and it feels really good. a lot less stress and burden on my shoulders and my patients have more responsibility. we all win :smilecoffeecup: .

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Specializes in Tele, ICU, ER.

I know I have the inclination to jump in and fix things, too. Generally, I manage to keep a lid on it LOL. Even with my young adult (on their own) daughters, I help but not TOO much, even when it's killing me to see them struggle a little. That's how we grow up.

As for all the simple questions we get on allnurses. I don't think it's google-phobia or laziness. I think, especially for some, these questions serve more than one purpose: 1) to "get it from the horses' mouth", so to speak... from those they want to eventually emulate and 2) to begin to try to join our little forum. I remember when I was first in nursing school, I would try to join into threads or post questions on a nursing board (NOT allnurses) and I was mostly ignored, or sometimes pointed to google but rarely, if ever, taken seriously and answered. I felt like I was "beneath" the REAL nurses, who couldn't be bothered with a newbie student. It was very demoralizing. So I do think that part of the little questions we get come from folks who want to join in and fit in with our community. As any nurse new to a unit knows, it's not always easy to jump into an existing group.

There I go.. helping again LOL.

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Specializes in Lie detection.
as for all the simple questions we get on allnurses. i don't think it's google-phobia or laziness. i think, especially for some, these questions serve more than one purpose: 1) to "get it from the horses' mouth", so to speak... from those they want to eventually emulate and 2) to begin to try to join our little forum. .

now that makes sense and i actually had not thought of it that way. it's funny but on a board on aol i'm on, this is being discussed as well but i think there it actually is a bit of laziness. most of the posters do as it's the same ones over and over with the questions.

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[color=#483d8b]but your idea fits and i'll remember it .

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Society has raised us, women especially, to deem ourselves "good" people when we're nice, when we help. If we don't do something or say no because it was inconvenience ourselves or not be beneficial for ourselves then we are deemed "bad" or "unhelpful" or "mean". Speaking from a psychological perspective, the type of people who go into nursing because they want to "care for people" also tend to be codependet and the type of people who don't easily say no. (Not to say that all nurses are codependent, but there is a high percentage of them in nursing).

Nurses expecially seem to have internalized society's messege that equates "good" with helping all the time and/or never saying no. I'm not a parent but I have seen my nephew learn to tie his shoes and dress himself after his mom made him do it himself. If we forever do everything for our patients will they ever learn?

I think that the need to do things for other people happens in all parts of a nurses life, private and work. We exhaust ourselves but in the end we can say we're "good" people because we "helped".

On a side note, several psychology papers have reported that a codependent personality, i.e. a personality that judges itself by other people's judgement/statements, is much more likely to be involved with and tolerate abusive personalities.

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