Angry mom made me cry last week

[MA Nurse]

I've been a NICU nurse for over 20 years. The parents have been the most difficult to deal with, not the babies. so, I will try to be brief. I worked my BUTT off on a very sick baby for 8 hrs. The parents visited briefly earlier in the shift and they seemed fine. I took the baby to CT scan plus he had a lumbar puncture, which was successful. I also had another baby with him. Luckily I had help from a great co-worker. Everything seemed ok until the mom showed up at the end of shift. The baby is over 2 months old now, so I know the parents have had enough. But, they are also young and immature for their age.

So, when I was trying to give report, the mom insisted the baby's replogle tube was not working right (it was on intermittent suction). I explained I had just emptied 20ml from the tube, so I knew it was working. I also walked over and checked the connection, which was fine. She kept insisting it wasn't working no matter what I told her. I explained that tehse tubes do not always have secretions coming out constantly.

In our unit, the parents are NOT asked to step out during report. This has been difficult for us, because some parents become very disruptive...like this mom...plus the parents hear everything about the other babies. What about HIPPA?? I don't get it.

Anyway, I tried to tell her we were busy giving report and I would have the next nurse (who I introduced to her) come and look at it again and flush it if necessary. I guess the word "busy" threw her over the edge. This was not an emergency, so I felt ok trying to show that we were giving report, which was very long on this pt.

She immediately asked to see the manager. I told her I would get her in a few minutes. She raised her voice even more and demanded I get her. so, I abruptly left the room (I WAS NOT HAPPY with her behavior). So, when the manager came in and I had to hear the mom complain about me, I was so upset I had to leave the room and give report in another room! I was crying because I had just worked REALLY hard on this kid and she treated me this way for nothing! Other nurses have had issues with these people, so it isn't just me. I am so tired of our managers kissing parents' butts. I think they should leave during shift change for sure! So, I was at work an hour after the shift ended because of this. So, we decided I wouldn't take care of this kid anymore. That's fine with me. I don't even want to be in the same room with them.

I had to vent about this...I haven't been back to work yet. Has anyone ever had situations like this where you have a rude and ignorant parent or visitor that acts like this?? What do you do?

[retiredlady]

I liked to redirect them. Say the tube is fine I just emptied it, but look how pink the baby is and I noticed that she/he sure responded to you when she/he heard your voice. He /she waved her arms or her heart rate went up. Just hold her hand for a few moments and let me give report and then we can talk, etc, etc.

[nyrn5125]

What did your manager say?

I find when people like to be so critical over things and you KNOW everything is as it is supposed to be....I "follow-up" and thank them for being so helpful to notice whatever it is. Many times it works.

EX- Family: That IV looks funny. It's not supposed to be like that.

Me: *checks it, fiddles with the tape, looks at skin** It's actually fine but I'm glad you noticed. I'd hate to lose that IV, she/he really needs it.

OMG I do the same thing, it's really out of pity for how stupid they can be. Everyone's a doctor so I'll let you feel high and mighty and then when you leave I'm laughin'. It also is a way for them to exert control, make you look bad so they don't feel that they are not in control.

[October97]

I am so sorry to hear how you were treated. I totally understand, I work Peds and also frequently get pulled to the NICU when they are short staffed. I have had a few instances where the parents just get out of hand. I know they are many times overwhelmed and exhausted, scared and worried, but we are trying to help their child, not hurt them. I wish they would realize this. We are supposed to do bedside reporting with the family if they are present involved in report. It is VERY difficult. I wish we could go back to the days of going to a separate room and listening to report on the tape recorder.

[RLeeRN]

It seems as the OP has made a point to take this situation and try to force a change that will affect every parent due to concerns of HIPPA violations. Obviously the OP was hurt by this interaction, especially after working so hard on this particular baby. However, we must remember that as nurses we are here to care for the patient and the family, especially to diffuse the anxiety of parents and not take it personally. It is unreasonable to expect every parent to act in a way that makes every nurses dream come true. The reality is those parents are scared for the life of "THEIR" child, the one you have the privilege to care for. To often we let the stress of getting report done lead to locking the parents out from their child. Having driven long distance to see my daughter in the NICU before becoming an RN I would have lost all trust in the staff had they kept me from my child, and would have been more critical of them all. Looking back I asked a zillion repeated questions especially about the functioning of the equipment, and yes even during report, and I was never told to wait "I'm busy" (Your scared to death, but hold that thought)......No the RNs always graciously stopped and gave me the care my wife and I needed during that time as well. It was a driving force into me becoming an RN....seeing the personal impact that these nurses had on my wife and I in "The most difficult time of our life"! You are obviously a dedicated RN having vast experience, but with years comes less tolerence for those who may interfere with your routine. Maybe take some time to step back and look back at your long career and remember the impact you have no doubt had on countless parents and little lives. I hope you all can continue to make sacrifices so parents can feel even more welcomed in a time of great fear.

[yetanotheramanda]

I had 2 babies in the NICU (not twins, 4 years apart) before I ever went to nursing school or had any idea of what was going on. Yes, I was scared to death for my babies. But I never, not once, thought the nurse was my enemy or treat him/her like a jerk.

I see it all the time, and I just don't understand this way of thinking.

[RxOnly]

One of my worst experiences with a patient was with a fellow nurse. Really long story short, she had a bladder suspension and was to be admitted for observation. It took 5+ hours to get a room assignment because our hospital was full. Around the 5th hour she flipped out calling us all incompetent because we didn't have a PRIVATE room WAITING on her and demanded all of our names so she could "report us to the board for malpractice". She also verbally berrated us, threw things at us, then demanded food and water when offered just to prove a point. It was utterly ridiculous. I was appalled at how a fellow nurse would act. :argue:

OMG, I can't believe that was a fellow nurse! I am speechless... wow...

[BeenThereDoneThat74, MSN, RN]

But sometimes I just want to shake them and say, "I'M NOT THE ENEMY!!!! SO QUIT TREATING ME LIKE THAT!!!"

You could not have said that any better!

As a peds nurse (on the side), there were so many times I felt that way. I've worked in peds LTC and oncology. Even in general peds (where a gastro seems like a death sentence to some parents), it gets draining to be the brunt of all their frustrations. I know they need to blame someone for their child's illness, and we are the easy target.

It is so refreshing (and surprising) when parents are so understanding and appreciative.

[NICU_babyRN, BSN, RN]

Yes, we all want a perfect world out there but we aren't going to get it. Let's face it though, these parents are taking out their fear on us! I don't want to say "it's part of the job" but as part of nursing we all need to learn how to handle it.

If you have YOUR baby in the NICU wouldn't you want to be able to visit ANY time? If the only time I can come is after my husband gets off work at 11:30pm since I can't drive after my c/s, then you know it I'll be at the hospital when he can drive me there!

NOT everyone works an 8-5 job as we all know VERY well. And not everyone can visit during the day.

Yes, I agree the OP had the right to be upset by this parent-the parent may have been out of line-but no matter what situation, what floor, what country, state, city and type of hospital....we will always have the "trouble" patients/parents and we just need to learn how to talk to them. Remember you can always call your friendly social worker, child life specialist or chaplain to help the parent cope a bit better.

[everthesame, LPN, LVN]

Kimbalou, I am sorry you had to endure that woman's behavior. As a NICU nurse of 20 years I am sure you have dealt with countless parents who have acted out due to fear for their baby or loss of control or just plain inappropriate behavior. This woman must have been exceptionally difficult to bring someone with your level of experience to tears.

I totally agree with a no visitors/parents in the NICU during report policy. The hospital I used to work for closed the NICU to all visitors during report. Exceptions were made for families with babies who were not expected to survive more than a few hours.

Report usually only lasted half an hour and we would suggest to the parents that it was a great time for them to run down to the cafeteria or out to one of the nearby restaurants to grab a quick bite to eat and sometimes gently remind them they needed to take care of themselves so that they will be up to taking care of their baby when it was time for discharge to home.

[sharpeimom]

i'm sorry you had such a distressing day. we had a micro preemie son who was born with multiple birth defects and spent six weeks in the nicu. neither my husband or i will ever forget the day we withdrew life support. we had our families' support through our phones and email, but were hundreds of miles away from our families. they came as they were able, but since our parents were all dead, we were alone much of the time.

nothing excuses your patient's mother's rudeness and lack of consideration, but what my rambling above was trying to share is the sense of desperation, aloneness, and plain unbridled fear we nicu parents constantly feel. while i did draw some comfort from my family and the wonderful kind warm nurses who cared for and grew to love our precious boy, i also told myself i'd lose it and smack the very next person who tried to reassure me/us. not because i was a horrible person then nor am i now, but what i

was feeling was fear. not fear. fear. the nurses spoke to us as though we knew what they were telling us. i was a nurse, yes. but ... a psych nurse.

again, i apologize for how she treated you. she probably was not herself any more than i was. she

was rude and obnoxious while i couldn't quit asking dumb questions over and over or stop crying. both maddening to staff.

[backatit2]

i completed a feedback form and returned it after my son was brought home from NICU bc of the way the nurses acted during shift change.

i was NOT one of those parents that was always visiting. i stayed at the hospital in a separate room and went to visit normally twice a day and not for very long bc i couldn't even hold him. well, i could, but machines would start beeping every time so i stopped trying and would just go in for a few mins to touch/look.

anyhow, there were SEVERAL times i would go to visit and would be greeted by a huffy/hateful nurse telling me it was shift change and to come back. i had no problem with having restricted hours - what i had a problem with was the fact that the visiting hours weren't posted nor told to me so here i am already an emotional wreck only to have someone treat me like total crap. that's basically the feedback i gave. i said i'm sure it's hard for the nurses to deal with visitors during certain times, and they should make visitors aware of what those times ARE to avoid conflicts. i would've much rather walked up to see a sign on the door saying "come back at 1:00" or SOMETHING so i could turn around and leave without bothering anyone and being made to feel like i was ruining a nurse's life.

the policy at that hospital has changed now that parents can come in at any time. i don't know that that's fair either, but i'm sure the change was brought about by a lack of communication and respect by both visitors AND nurses.

[BittyBabyGrower, MSN, RN]

What a wretched day I hate days like that and sometimes, it is the nature of the beast because of where we work.

As for the privacy...we have been thru this with our legal department and it is an incidental overhearing. Parents have the right to be present for rounds, including report (nursing rounds). I believe this a JCHACO (or however that is lol) thing now....family centered care and all that jazz. Also, parents have 24 hour visitation where I work too.....I know as a parent I'd be pretty ticked if someone told me that I could only see my baby during x hours. We only allow extra visitor for a set block during the day.

When we have something to report or if it is going to be a long report and the parents are there, we go to another computer terminal, usually in our conference room, to give an uninterrupted report. We then go back to the bedside to go thru lines, any thing on the physical assessment that needs going over and to introduce the on coming nurse.

You explained to her that the equipment was fine and functioning. At that point, I would have left to finish giving report or told the mom we would be done in 15 or 20 minutes. If she cont to act out I would have gone for the charge nurse or the manager myself.

Easier said than done, I know. Been in those shoes one too many times.