It is with a heavy heart that I give an update on my 16 year old stepson. Some of you may remember that he had a nightmare, or so we thought a few weeks ago, and woke us all up, screaming that there was a robber in the house.
I have spoken to my sponsor at great length about this, and it just seems to be snowballing, getting worse and worse. I know that when it rains it pours, but it's getting ridiculous.
A week ago Thursday night, the 16 yr. old woke us all up beating on our bedroom door screaming that there was an intruder in the house. We had no reason we thought, to not believe him, so my dh got his shotgun and went racing outside to see. (In his underwear, of course!) I called 911 and the dispatch sent out a state trooper and 4 local deputies, as well as a K 9 unit. We heard the story from the teen as the officers heard it too, and it was just full of holes. We thought it was truly a nightmare. The next day, he realized what had happened, and was so upset. Turns out, he had been at a friend's house and took drugs. He admitted to taking Extasy (sp??) He cried and cried and begged my dh not to give up on him. I truly thought he had hit his bottom. I was wrong.
We got a call from the school that he appeared high. He denied it and said he had only taken 4 Benadryl. Found out later he was high on pot at the time. This happened earlier the same day.
A week later, I received a call from my dad that my aunt was dying and we made a road trip to south Louisiana to see her. Caleb refused to go, and my dh told him that if he could find an adult to watch him he could stay. They got into an altercation, verbally, and dh grounded him. He turned around and left anyway. We tried to find him with no luck, so we called the coroner and had him PECed. This happened before we left, at approx 1015 pm. The S.O. called maybe 2 hours later that they found him and took him to the ER for eval. From there, they admitted him to an inpatient adol. rehab center about 45 minutes away. He was admitted Saturday am. It is only a 7 to 14 day program, and that wont touch his problems.
Today my dh went and spoke to the counselor and the teenager. Of course, he was very angry with both my dh and me. We found out that he has taken heroin, benzos, opiates, ETOH, pot, Extasy, and we aren't sure what else. He admitted to those. His mom, my dh's ex wife is blaming all this on me, saying that he did all of it because of me, because he is upset that dh and I got married and we have been married for 5 years, and dated 1 year before that. Funny that it didn't bother him that mama got remarried a year before we did.
He's only 16, and it would just kill me that he could be dead before long using the meds that he is screwing with. His dad and I are both in recovery and have been for 10 years. Mama, on the other hand, is still bulemic and actively using Xanax and pot as well as ETOH. She called dh tonight and basically said that all this is MY fault. This isn't helping things.
After the counseling session with my dh and the son, he said he definetly needed an inpatient facility for 90 days. Of course, he says he isn't going, and we have to be the ones to check him out when he is d/ced and transport him to the other inpt. facility.
I'm sorry, I just needed to vent a little. Dh is all talked out and not in the best of spirits. It hurts to see him so angry, but he has been angry for quite a while. It doesn't help that mama is talking out of both sides of her mouth, so to speak. She has been talking bad about me to the counselors and wanted to get remarried to dh. She got highly upset when that didn't happen. She has already contacted Metro Narcotics, or so she says, but she will forget to mention that she gave him the Xanax and Klonopin and she has been getting him drunk.
I'm sure that there will be more crap to follow. The ex wive's family waste NO time in talking trash about dh and me. The strongest meds we keep in the house are Dramamine and Clonopin. She has Xanax and Klonopin just lying around, not even put up out of view.
Thanks, easttexas - The treatment center called last night to check with us because the mama called back after she had seen him. The guy wanted to know if she still had a drug problem. He said even what she said made no sense, and she could hardly talk her tongue was so thick.
She called our house too, but when the machine picked up, she just let her dog bark. She didn't say anythuing, just "Bark bark bark." Wasn't sure what that was about.
Stepson is due to be d/ced this Friday. It's a short term fixed center so now we are looking for an inpt long term facility. The counselor did rec. that he needed 90 day inpatient center. There is a state run youth inpatient facility a few hours from us that we are thinking about. It is a really good one, and the adult counterpart is the one I attended 10 years ago.
I am worried about him. I understand how mad he is. He still very angry at Dad and me because he feels like we ruined his life. He wants to be back in the same environment and hanging with the same crowd. His girlfriend and her mother live in the same neighborhood, and came by a few nights ago. The school is still swirling with rumors that he died after being hit by a drunk driver and also that he is in jail for fighting with the police when they picked him up. The girlfriend and a few other girls at school have started cutting themselves. Her mother has started taking her to see a counselor. I remember how impressionable high school kids are.
Get the kid into inpatient and don't worry about what Psycho-mom has to say. She's a pathetic, nasty, jealous wpoman and her actions are out of your control and she will, inevitably, be exposed, as she was in this case.
Just hang tough. Don't (easy words, I know) take personally what a messed up teen says.
Well, the mama called tonight to scream at my dh. She decided that Caleb was having a "heart attack" today while at the rehab center and demanded that he be taken off all his meds cold turkey, including Geodon. We have already tried to explain to her that you just don't quit taking things like that, but she did that toi herself not too long ago. Since dad and I are the primary custodial parents, they were supposed to call us for approval before any med changes were oked. We got no calls about that, so we are thinking that she was FOS saying that.
She has decided that the kid does not need further inpatient rehab. He's 16 and has only been there for a week. He has been abusing alcohol, opiates, Ex, pot, and now he admits to heroin. The counselor says he needs 90 days inpatient when he is d/ced within the next week. They are a short term center only, but refer them to centers based on their needs.
She has decided that she will get him Wednesday when she gets off work at noon. She thinks that he will just go home with her, even though she drinks like a fish and she and her husband have Xanax and Klonopin on hand and not locked up. She decided that she will also take custody of their 10 year old son too, even though she has taken us to court twice before and both times the judge refused to change the courts decision. We have had full custody of them since they divorced and she gets them every other weekend.
Dh said none of this will happen - he is calling the counselor in the am. He has to be one to sign stepson out, so he isn't worried that they will do anything. She doesn't see anything wrong with putting him back in the same situation with the same friends, including the same friends that were selling the drugs in the first place.
Mama still hasn't been to treatment yet. She still doesn't think she has any kind of problem at all. Her sister called earlier and said that the boy does need further rehab and different surroundings to say the least.
You are doing good.. you are doing good! Just hang in there, and hubby needs to hang in there and keep being tough, don't give up. Don't ever give up. He needs you two to not give up,, he just doesn't know it yet.
Well, the ex wife got exposed today for the lies she told the rehab center yesterday. Turns out, she called demnding the meds stepson was on and they told her no. She called back an hour later and said she had gotten permission from us to stop all meds and they still said no. She then called and talked to stepson at phone time and told him to refuse all meds, which he did. Dh had a long talk with the charge nurse and counselor at great length on the phone and is there now for a meeting to straighten things out. After that, he has a meeting with our attorney.
Do not give up on your stepson. I was him 30 years ago. Drank everything, took everything, drove while practically comatose. My husband put me into treatment 3 months after we married. I'm alive and well today because he held his ground. I went through dt's at 20. I saw bugs (millions) I thought there were demons coming from the airconditioner vents. I was bleeding from every orafice by the time I was hospitalized and it took 3 months to heal, mentally and physically. I was 5'6" and 103. To this day there are YEARS that are a black hole. Today I am well happy and married 31 years and have 2 adult children and a grandchild none of which would have been possible if someone had not taken control and decided to protect me from myself. Leave him in rehab, call him as much as your allowed, tell him you love him, do not talk about his problems, just talk about what is happening in the family. When he becomes belligerent just say you will call again later when he is feeling better. Hold your ground but do not blame. Once he is detoxed and his mind has cleared he will begin to see the truth about his behavior. No matter what he says tell him you love him, keep saying it, but keep him inside until he realizes he is not able to do this alone. I will keep you in my prayers
Thanks pollyanna - That is one thing that we won't do. Caleb is a very bright, articulate young man. He and I have always felt a connection with each other. Dh and I have been married for almost 5 years and dated for a year before that. Like a lot of kids when their parents divorce, he was not pleased when he found out that dh and I were getting married. As long as we were just dating, I wasn't a "threat", so to speak to his mom and dad maybe getting back together, which would never have happened. I am also a child of divorced parents, so been there, done that.
This was his second year in 9th grade. He was expelled last spring after getting caught drinking vodka in class. He will be 17 in June, if he was to go back to the same school now, he would be right back with the same kids that he was using with. His dad and I were so surew that after he took the Ex and hallucinated that he had hit his bottom. I know that hitting bottom is different for everyone. Mine was over 10 yrs ago and I still remember it.
He is still very angry at everyone, especially his dad and me, since we have custody of him and had himm PECed him in the first place. He has a younger brother that is 10 and looks up to him. He will be starting middle school in the fall and he told me tonight that they have already had middle school students expelled this year for bringing Ex, Klonopin, and Xanax in a huge bottle to sell. I know it was a long time ago when I was in elementary and jr high but I just can't get over the fact that kids that age have that kind of access to things like that.
Caleb thinks we are just trying to punish him, but we are trying to keep the kid alive and out of prison.
Tweety, Easttexas, Sue - Thanks you for your help, guys. I appreciate it. I just don't understand any of what has been taking place this afternoon. We got a call from the rehab center at lunch time to pick the stepson up that he had been d/ced. I stayed home to wait for our 10 yr old to get off the school bus and dh went to get him. Apparently when dh got there, the charge nurse and his counselor met with him and said since Caleb was refusing to take part in any part of the therapy and refusing his meds, he was being d/ced. I completely understand, that is a bed that someone else may need and actually use it.
His mama had been very adamant about the fact that she was getting him and taking him to her house, but when it came down to it today and she found out he had been d/ced, she fell off the radar so to speak. She finally called the house tonight and left him a message, and she was high even then.
He is refusing any kind of outpt therapy or aftercare, and is still furious at dh and me because we are the ones who had him PECed. His grandfather is pulling strings to get him back into the high school that he had been attending last year and this year so far. This is his secone attempt at 9th grade.
He does have to fulfill his requirements for outpt meetings and sessions or it will be court ordered. I think he is just assuming that the court ordered part is BS, but he will be out of luck if that is what he is thinking. Dh and I are considering him getting his GED, boot camp, something along those lines, but he really needs an inpt long term rehab program, from what I've seen and heard.
I bet boot camp would really do him some good. Seriously. If he doesn't do what the court ordered, maybe the judge will order boot camp. Surely the judge has seen other kids like this.
You are the adult and parent and he is the child. Your responsibility as a parent is to keep your child safe. I am not a parent but know that as a child, my parents didn't believe in multpile choice living. They made the decisions and they didn't waver. If they had acted based on my anger and my accusations and opinions about their decisions, I would be dead.
The reality is that your job isn't to be this kids frined, it is to be his protection, and allowing him to decline treatment, trying to get him back into school, not respecting the recommendations of professional addiction counselors and having no idea of what you need to do, and no desire to identify what you did wrong or need to do different is not good parenting.
as an addict, you should be aware that your enabling is not beneficial and you really need to go to alanon meetings.
You need to set boundaries and establish rules that he must follow including freq drug testing and restricting contact with any former using friends. He needs daily AA also . He needs to be in schiool and he needs to have passing grades. if he refuses or breaks the contract, he will be sent to 90 day treatment.
You are the adult and parent and he is the child. Your responsibility as a parent is to keep your child safe. I am not a parent but know that as a child, my parents didn't believe in multpile choice living. They made the decisions and they didn't waver. If they had acted based on my anger and my accusations and opinions about their decisions, I would be dead.
The reality is that your job isn't to be this kids frined, it is to be his protection, and allowing him to decline treatment, trying to get him back into school, not respecting the recommendations of professional addiction counselors and having no idea of what you need to do, and no desire to identify what you did wrong or need to do different is not good parenting.
as an addict, you should be aware that your enabling is not beneficial and you really need to go to alanon meetings.
You need to set boundaries and establish rules that he must follow including freq drug testing and restricting contact with any former using friends. He needs daily AA also . He needs to be in schiool and he needs to have passing grades. if he refuses or breaks the contract, he will be sent to 90 day treatment.
Thanks exnursie - You're right. The dh and I started alanon meetings last week, and it has helped some, thank goodness. I was really surprised when they called and said he was being d/ced. Dh and I have informed him of the drug testing that will be done here at home as well as the outpt. stuff he WILL be doing. Dh and I are both addicts with 10 yrs clean and sober and we recognize the addict behavior he is exhibiting.
I guess since I'm not a "real mom", just a stepmom, I am a little unsure or gun shy about how to go about dealing with this. He is going to boot camp even he says he isn't. He lost that choice when he took the EX and hallucinated that there was an intruder in the house and we ended up with 4 SO cars, a K9 unit and 2 state troopers here at approx. 0300. I know every addict has a different bottom to hit, but this will not keep happeneing at our house. Like Brian said to him about the house being drug free, we both have RN licenses to protect and we are not losing them due to his stupidity - or lack of good judgements.
He had even gotten into my meds - I am on quite a few cardiac and HTN meds- and tried to switch them around in the bottles. I guess he didn't think about the fact that I do know what my meds look like after working 18 yrs as a nurse. He told his mama that he was trying to cause me further injury. I had a MI about 1 yr ago, and am on a lot of meds.
At the rehab facility, the counselor and I talked about some of his symptoms and we both came to the possibility that he could be bipolar. He can tell himself as much as he wants that he doesn't have a problem with ETOH or drugs, but been there, done that. We did check about our options, and they said that the judge could order him to long term CD rehab. He will go, whether it is voluntary or not. It will not be up to him. His younger brother is 10 and very impressionable. This is not going to happen.
:banghead:
sissiesmama, ASN, RN
1,899 Posts
Thanks, easttexas - The treatment center called last night to check with us because the mama called back after she had seen him. The guy wanted to know if she still had a drug problem. He said even what she said made no sense, and she could hardly talk her tongue was so thick.
She called our house too, but when the machine picked up, she just let her dog bark. She didn't say anythuing, just "Bark bark bark." Wasn't sure what that was about.
Stepson is due to be d/ced this Friday. It's a short term fixed center so now we are looking for an inpt long term facility. The counselor did rec. that he needed 90 day inpatient center. There is a state run youth inpatient facility a few hours from us that we are thinking about. It is a really good one, and the adult counterpart is the one I attended 10 years ago.
I am worried about him. I understand how mad he is. He still very angry at Dad and me because he feels like we ruined his life. He wants to be back in the same environment and hanging with the same crowd. His girlfriend and her mother live in the same neighborhood, and came by a few nights ago. The school is still swirling with rumors that he died after being hit by a drunk driver and also that he is in jail for fighting with the police when they picked him up. The girlfriend and a few other girls at school have started cutting themselves. Her mother has started taking her to see a counselor. I remember how impressionable high school kids are.
Thanks again! Anne, RNC