Am I wrong to feel this way?

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So, long story short a family member of mine had a surgery and is admitted to the hospital I work at. His wife complains to me about things that I sometimes take personally since the nurse she's complaining about could just as well be me. She was mad because he was in pain after coming back from a diagnostic test, saying "I knew I should have went, they were just too rough with him and didnt move him correctly!" I felt like saying, yeah that OR it could be the fact that he had surgery two days ago!! Then today she was mad because they left her sitting in a cold waiting room and no one contacted her or updated her on her husbands small procedure that he was getting. She made a big scene and the pt. liason came to see her later. When she told me this she kept saying how cold she was and how cold the room was. I feel kind of bad because I just said, "well everything isnt perfect, but we should be thankful Eddie is doing ok!". She seemed a little upset that I wasn't upset with her. Am I wrong to feel annoyed at her? I know the nurses that work there and I KNOW they try their hardest to please pts but I sometimes just wish that people could see behind the scenes to know that. The funny thing is her husband was not complaining, it always seems to be her! I keep wanting to say, this isn't about YOU! Ok sorry, done venting now! :)

Specializes in PICU, NICU, L&D, Public Health, Hospice.
I have to say, I'm a little surprised at the lack of empathy in many of the above posts.

To the OP: I know its hard, and I completely understand your position. Having worked as an aide, I know that people complain about anything and everything.

I have also, however, been the family member of a patient. When my mom was in the hospital for surgery, I became that same inpatient, b****y family member that yelled at everyone and was just an annoying family member. I was a pain in the a**. I realize that now, and I am truly sorry for the way I acted. The truth was though, that my frustration had absolutely nothing to do with the coldness of the room, or how "slow" the nurses were (which they in fact weren't, but I was frustrated and took it out on the people who were there....which, is ofcourse, the nurse).

I worked in healthcare. I knew how hard these people were working. But that day, in that hospital, I didn't care. All I knew was "that's my mother in there, she's uncomfortable, make her better NOW" and because unfortunately life doesn't work that way, I became unreasonable.

None of this, ofcourse, is the fault of the nurses. Unfortunately however, being in the unique position of being the largest group in the hospital, and being the people who are always right there, they get the brunt of it.

I am not saying this is right. Ofcourse, it isn't right. All i'm saying is that hospitals are stressful. No one who is in there is happy about being there. It is especially hard on family members, who aren't the patient but are going through their own issues due to a loved one being in the hospital.

Again, to the OP: you are right. But it's my guess, and maybe i'm wrong here, but maybe the wife is just frustrated that her husband is in pain, or is in that situation in the first place. Maybe she was the "star" of their lives, and no longer gets the attention. Whatever it is, this can't be an easy time in her life.

All i'm saying is that I would doubt that the real issue was the coldness of the room.

My advice to the OP? Be as sympathethic as you can. Next time she complains about the room being cold, say something to the effect of "I know it's really tough, and really, with suffering, everything just seems like it sucks." Keep diverting the attention back to the real reason you guys are there in the first place: the patient.

Healthcare is a tough place to work. You see a lot of angry, bitter, unreasonable people. I always complained about it...until I was in that situation and I became that angry, bitter, unreasonable person. And believe me...i'm not an angry, bitter, or unreasonable person! It doesn't make it right. It' s just that I think in healthcare, you see people at their worst, when they are most vulnerable.

Anyway, that's my honest opinion...

I really appreciate your honest post...

Many of us have been patients in acute care settings, many more of us have been a family member of a hospitalized patient. The majority of the posters here are nurses and sometimes we use these threads for a bit of venting...

When I read threads such as this, I understand that these practicing nurses (including myself) are aware of the emotional/physical/spiritual stress of hospitalization (for pt & family) and empathize...we are just talking/venting a bit about how frustrating it is...

That being said, you gave us all some good advice and reminders. I am guessing that you might be a nursing student? I hope so, I think you are the right stuff.

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I deal with this a lot in LTC. When someone becomes a resident the family often goes nuts, usually because of guilt. Contrary to popular belief, many folks -- in fact, most -- keep their loved ones home until it becomes truly impossible to care for them. When they have to accept that they must do the unthinkable, which we all self-righteously vow we will never do, as I vowed when my dad was dying, when we have to relinquish control but most important deal with the loved one's mortality, we have to process it.

Most families settle in and make peace with things after a few weeks. Some fuss and nitpick and accuse more than others. I am getting much better at not taking it personally and just allowing them to go through it and be a sounding board.

Hang in there.

:)

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thank you all for your posts! the ones who said she is stressed and tired i completely agree and i have to keep reminding myself of that. I was ready to go give her a hug today and then she started complaining that a doctor said he would be there at such and such time and wasnt there until 3 hrs later. I just told her he probably had an emergency and if it was her husband who was the emergency in the future I would hope the doctor postponed his less emergent case for him as well. I told her it must be hard on her and gave her a hug. This did seem to help. Thanks all for letting me vent!

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Specializes in Psych.

I just wanted to add that it's never 'wrong' to feel anything. Hey, if you're annoyed, you're annoyed. (Now if you were to act inappropriately because you were feeling a certain way, that would be another story.)

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Hello, sorry, I don't think this has anything to do with the attention being on her, to me it sounds she sees her loved one in pain and cant do anything to help them, she feels helpless in the fact things are happening and instead of being there to help her loved one she is essentially left out in the cold, I come to that conclusion by the following statements, I should have been there when he went for the testing, also the fear of the unknown during the procedures. I also don't it is wrong to feel the way you do as well, My wife and I work at the same hospital and hear all the good and bad, we take the negatives personally and at times can get defensive. Dont feel bad it will be ok.

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I feel torn because I want to tell her WHY things may not be done at a certain specific time, WHY the nurse isnt constantly at his bedside, WHY she cannot go into procedures with him. but she takes this as me "defending" them and not her. they should make an educational video about what happens behind the scenes and a day/night in the life of a nurse, maybe people would be a little more understanding? then again maybe not because when its family it is hard to not be crazy :) I will just keep being understanding of both sides and do my best to calm her worries.

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