About to Kick the Hubby to the Curb

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Specializes in Med-Surg/Tele, ER.

Hi all! I figured this may be a good place to seek some support on this, as it is really stress-related.

So, I'm a brand new GN. I just signed-up for an incentive program whereby I typically work an extra 8 hrs a week (sometimes an extra 12, sometimes an extra 4). I really like the program and we certainly need the money. Every one of my paychecks vanishes the same day it shows-up. We have a lot of bill debt accrued from the last couple years, not to mention the new bills. This week I've also been working a lot of OT on top of the incentive program (got called-in d/t high census). On top of it all, I'm taking two measly courses at the CC where I graduated last spring, pre-reqs for an accelerated BSN program I'd like to apply to in dec-jan. When I made the decision to do so, hubby was very supportive, talked a big game about being supportive and so forth.

Well, the reality is he is acting like a complete tool. I work overnights and he is constantly waking me up before I'm ready to get up "because it's late". He also wakes me up constantly throughout the day playing his computer games in the same room where I am trying to sleep. When I get home after my 13 hour shifts at 7:30am, I have to practically BEG him to get out of bed and get our 2 year old ready for daycare. He thinks it's just a small thing to ask of me, for me to stay-up even longer after my shift and get the kiddo ready for his day. Not only that, but if I DO have a day off, it is automatically assumed I will be the one getting the kid ready and off, being the primary caregiver when he is home while DH plays computer games, etc.

Oh, yeah did I mention he isn't even working right now?

I have tried SO HARD to draw the line and stick to it. NO I am not staying-up longer. NO I am not getting the kid ready to go. NO I am not working more OT (he is constantly pressuring me to take the call-ins, I typically say no unless there are really extenuating circumstances). This has only resulted in him acting like he's mad at me all the time. All. The. Time. This week, he didn't speak to me for 4 days. He's acting like a child.

I can't even express to you guys how much I value my marriage and my little family. EVERYTHING I do, I do it for these guys. When I am having a tough night at work, feeling sick and not wanting to go ... I think of my family and plow through it anyhow. I talk about them constantly, and with great pride. I just don't understand why I am so underappreciated. It is exasperating to be so exhausted from work, only to come home and have even more expected of me. I know my limits, and they're being disrepected.

If you've made it this far, thank you so much. I've learned so much on all nurses, I'm hoping someone can help me with this too.

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Specializes in Staff nurse.

Sounds like you have 2 children? Anyway, make an appt. with hubby...and set up some guidelines ON PAPER of expectations he has, you have, and how to obtain them, concerning

sleep

meals

housework

child care

his new job/employment

If necessary, make appt. with your pastor or doctor and present the above info and get input from them. You are only one person. You can't do it all. Marriage is a team effort, parenting is a team effort, and work sure works better as a team. If hubby isn't working due to health/disability, he could be doing more with his time. He could be depressed, jealous, passive aggressive or really clueless. This is not an attack on him, just some thoughts.

Oh, and don't beg. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. Don't enable him. He is an adult and you can't forbid him or demand, but you don't have to bail him out. Hopefully he just needs to hear it from an outside voice (pastor, doctor). And point out that him getting the little one ready for daycare could be their "special time" to bond. Hang in there. Hugs and hugs to you.

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Specializes in ICU, SDU, OR, RR, Ortho, Hospice RN.
Sounds like you have 2 children? Anyway, make an appt. with hubby...and set up some guidelines ON PAPER of expectations he has, you have, and how to obtain them, concerning

sleep

meals

housework

child care

his new job/employment

If necessary, make appt. with your pastor or doctor and present the above info and get input from them. You are only one person. You can't do it all. Marriage is a team effort, parenting is a team effort, and work sure works better as a team. If hubby isn't working due to health/disability, he could be doing more with his time. He could be depressed, jealous, passive aggressive or really clueless. This is not an attack on him, just some thoughts.

Oh, and don't beg. If it doesn't get done, it doesn't get done. Don't enable him. He is an adult and you can't forbid him or demand, but you don't have to bail him out. Hopefully he just needs to hear it from an outside voice (pastor, doctor). And point out that him getting the little one ready for daycare could be their "special time" to bond. Hang in there. Hugs and hugs to you.

Agreed... Here is a huge hug for you hon.. Hang in there..:icon_hug::icon_hug::icon_hug::icon_hug:

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Big hugs. It's tough enough being a GN, not to mention a full-time nurse, not to mention working over-time.

Just wanted to say, my dh and I did marriage counseling and it really, really, REALLY made a difference. I hope you'll give something like it a try. Maybe it's just the people I know or something, but I didn't have any trouble finding some recommendations from people who had been, and we went from there.

Anyway, big hugs from one mom to another.

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Specializes in Med-Surg/Tele, ER.

Well, I did a dumb thing (though Freud might have some interesting things to say on the matter) and accidentally left my window open with this thread in it. Left to take the little guy to daycare and came home to my hubby writing a response to you guys! :eek:

I was like "Oh hell no!", and he deleted it and asked me to talk. We had a pretty good discussion, made some plans for the future to handle some of this stuff, etc. It is quite a challenge as it turns out, a lot of what is going on are issues that have been an issue for a long time. I was open to his communication and I think we made some progress. I was also very honest with him about how I felt and he was very honest as well. I think we were both able to see where maybe we haven't been doing as good a job as we could.

Tonight we're going out as a family to walk around the mall (one of our fav past times :lol2:). I think it's also a problem that not only do we not spend much quality family time together, but DH and I NEVER spend couple time together. We need to find something to do together I think. DH mentioned he wants to cook together, which didn't excite me too much as I hate cooking :lol2: ... I'm sure we'll find something. I hope so.

I do feel better now, and I really thank you guys for your feedback and support.

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Specializes in Infusion Nursing, Home Health Infusion.

this does not sound good.....sounds like you are the only one rowing in the boat.Your employer should have an EAP(employee assistance program) you either need to go as a couple and if your husband will not go...go alone......You must get your rest after your shifts.....a tired nurse makes mistakes....and that can not only harm a pt ...but also can harm you. your husband sounds incredibly selfish....is he....i was married to a male nurse like that....he never changed...I tried everything.......tell him to get in the boat and start rowing or into the water he goes!!!!!!!!!!

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Specializes in Oncology.

Wow. I hope everything works out with you and your situation. I do know where you are coming from, though. Fortunately my wife and I have found a way to make our situation work.

I routinely work ~60 hours a week to enable my wife to stay home with our 2.5 year-old son. The OT income more than makes up for the loss of her full-time income. Over the last 2 years I have gotten used to 4-6 hour sleep sessions. It's tough, but I nap when I can to get by, and I think that I manage pretty well. In return, I get a corner of the house where I can sleep uninterrupted. She does all the housework, the laundry, (most of) the yardwork, and takes care of the bills. All of this is in addition to keeping up with a VERY demanding toddler.

Until the last week or so, our son has refused to sleep in his own bed, making for a lot of sleepless nights for mommy. I found myself so concerned about her health and mental state that I began routinely staying up an extra 2-3 hours after getting home from 8 and 12-hour night shifts to look after him and give my wife some breathing room. It's been tough, but I think we've finally turned a corner and he's staying in his bed. I still am committed to accompanying him to his play group (once a week), but as already suggested in this thread, this proves to be wonderful bonding time.

What's the moral of my novel? Anything is possible if you can put your mind to it. If your husband is genuinely concerned over the health of your relationship, he will find a way and work it out with you. Family time is important - you have to be creative and make it work within the constraints of your schedules. Give him his 'goof time' but make it clear that your sleep time is priority #1.

Hope it all works out for you and your family...

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Specializes in med surg.

I think you really need to come up with a list of things that need done while you sleep. I had a similar situation , one of my friends calls it man vision, men just do not see what needs done but if you give them a list and some guidance they will generally do the job.

Also, the laundry may not be folded the way you do it, the dishes may not get done as quick as you would do it but leet it for him to do.

Being unemployed also messes with some men and their idea of taking care of the family, could this be part of the issue? At any rate, set a deadline for change and if it is no improvement, I am going to say get out. The longer you put up with this behavior the longer it will go on and you will just get more frustrated, but I do believe if you sit down and make a list it sounds like your spoouse is willing to work with you.

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Specializes in Post Anesthesia.

It's none of my busines but since you started the post- your hubby sounds like a real jerk! I took my wife " till death do us part" and if she was acting like your SO I would be shopping for a gun. As an alternative I would recommend an organization called " Marriage Encounter" It is a faith sponsored weekend retreat that I participated in with my wife when we were going through a rough patch just after I graduated with my BSN. It is not designed to fix a bad marriage but it did give us a framework to hold our marriage together when things were getting a little freyed. Just because it is "faith sponsored" don't be scared off believing it to be a weekend of right wing holier that thou bible thumpers. I think even an agnostic couple could benifit from the encounter group. Best of all it's for the most part free- and it sounds like $ could be in the mix of your problems. Please private message me if this works for you. Be warned it is possible to do an encounter weekend and come home knowing your spouse is a bigger SOB that even you thought before the retreat.

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Specializes in MICU, neuro, orthotrauma.

He sounds depressed and is expecting more from you than anyone in their right mind would ask. It doesn;t matter what you think he does for you, if he is not carrying his weight, financially, he needs to help more around the house.

My husband works 40 hour weeks + overtime, goes to school nights, and works on the application process for pharm school as well as doing laundry dishes cook meals etc, and take care of the kiddo when I am working. But last year, at this time, and the year before that and the year before that, he was floundering. Out of work, taking maybe a class a semester, and not very good at taking up slack. He was miserable and had no real direction and felt hopeless and it put a huge strain on our marriage. We almost didn't make it; so I definitely hear you.

What we both wished we had done is set very specific limits. Like, he is responsible for X and if that's done, I have no right to fuss about Y not being done. This gives him goals for the day and an ability to goof off when tasks are done. Renegotiate whenever needed, but never fuss at him if you have not set it up beforehand. And make it another rule that when one is bringing up a point of critique (fussing), the issue does not stray from that particular point. Don't let him bring up, "but you didn;t do x, y, z" and you aren't allowed to bring up anything from the past.

You need the time after work to sleep. Make it non-negotiable.

These were our stumbling blocks. I knew if he could find his way, we would be gravy, and I was right. Things are pretty darn good now. So chin up!

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