About to give up on being a nurse

Published

i don't know what elese to do. my school...my alma mater...says there is no tuition assistance for me there, the ads on the computer for goverment grants all cost money to find out if you can get money, and by the time 2 more years roll by i am sure most of my classes will be too old to be of any use to me anyway. the only option i think i will end up with is to start over at a jr. college, and if that means taking all the science classes again...i don't think can do that.

a friend of mine told me that god has a plan for us all, and if we try for years and years to accomplish something...to no avail...that maybe it was not meant to be. i am a cna and maybe that is what was meant for me.

i even tried to be a phlebotomist...in the fall of 2000. i took the 16 week course, did really well...got a "b". a few weeks after finals i had our son in jan 2001. i could not do the clinicals right away because of that and could not later because my husband did not pay the tuition until 2004 so that class too was too old also.

i will have to renew my cna license and i will do that when i am ready to go back to work. i think it is time that i either choose another way to use my b.a or just be happy as a cna. after all, it is a noble profession and very necessary. it was just not my dream.

before i make any final decisions, i would like to ask...would any of you do it all again?. i mean would you really take all the classes again and re-do nursing school like you had never been there before?...or do you think i should just chalk it up to a dream that got away. i am 36 and my kids are 15, 8 and 4. i thougth i would never give up, but now i'm not sure.

i should also add that another reason i am beginning to think this is true is; because, in the course of dealing with some issues in my past, i have found christian science to be helpful to me. i am still however a catholic. btw, c.s is not scientology...they are not the same at all. i suppose it is logical if i am coming to believe in c.s that a nursing career would no longer make sense and i should continue to be a cna in a setting where i would not take part in the medical aspects of care. this is a quote from mbe that the same friend sent to me...

"suffer no claim of sin or of sickness to grow upon the thought. dismiss it with an abiding conviction that it is illegitimate, because you know that god is no more the author of sickness than he is of sin."

-from science and health

by mary baker eddy

390:20-23

i guess to sum it all up i am sad and confused and i would love to hear your thoughts if you could give me just a few minutes of your time. thanks. :crying2:

laurel

hi and thanks!,

just one question...they would want my transcripts too right?

i'd go with what passing thru said stay home with the kids if you can they are little still. wait till they go to school.then go to a vocational school and you can be a lvn in 1 year.

hi and thanks,

your words are so true and you are right about the cna salary. so on the flip-side of that if i went back to work to pay for tuition and was working and going to school, the childcare and my student loan payments would eat my whole check and much of my study time would be taken by that job.

is this wrong?

people say think of your children first, do what is best for them by staying out of school right now and just be there for them.

well, i am a mother of three children (ages 4, 6 and 8) who went to school because i thought that one of the most important ways i could show i cared for them was to see they were provided for, and that wasn't going to happen on a cna salary or working at the convenience store. i know cna's with small children and i feel so bad for them, because as hard as they work they still can't make it. they consistently have car trouble or some other thing they need but are having to do without because $9.00/hr doesn't feed, clothe and shelter a family of four or five.

i'm not talking about making sure your children are provided with gameboys and a new bicycle every year.

while i regret i was put in a position to have to go to school and then work and i missed time with my children, i would feel even worse now if i hadn't gone to school and gotten a decent job. life is easier now in a lot of ways simply by having a decent check coming in.

people tell you money doesn't matter but it makes all the difference. most spousal fights and divorces occur over money or lack of money, and people are living up to the eyeballs with debt.

a big part of showing your children you care is making sure you can provide for them.

what about the transcripts...aren't they the determining factor?

become a paramedic, then you can test thru excelsior :).

hi and thanks,

i have no team right now and no financial aid because i have a ba...the school already told me that. like this quote says...

few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be

charles brower

and thanks to all of you i am getting that.

thanks for your concern and support.

i had so many obstacles when i applied for admission to the local college. i had to wait a year, missed the deadline by 3 days for that year. my kids were one and four. my husband was making little above minimum wage. i had dropped out of college 10 years prior. i was blessed with family and friends who babysat for me and a husband who supported my decision. i couldn't have done it without them. other issues came up during my schooling-hospitalization for my son, many nights up with him. i just knew that i wanted to be a nurse. again, my saving grace was the support i had, my graduation was a team effort. i have been a nurse for seven years and couldn't imagine doing anything else. my college offered some scholarships, and there are loans etc. have you sat down with a college advisor. if not, i would recommend it. there was even tuition assistance for daycare at the program i attended.

hi and thanks,

my first daughter was 6 when we married and i did not marry him for money. he holds me at night when my dreams wake me, and he was terriffic in the delivery room both times. we go camping and watch movies and we share many common intersests. we are not hungry and although i wish we had more money, we have a house and transportation and clothes. he puts up with my family and that is not easy and he knows my past and still loves me anyway so i don't think i made a mistake.

financial aid told me with a b.a i can't get another loan.

i might need therapy, but i also need to figure this problem out. i have taken 6 1/2 years off. i am ready to go back.

nancy k. and lil peanut, you have given laurel some wise words. laurel, i worry about you because you have put the obstacles between you and your goal. first, you made bad choice in marrying the man you did. then you made your situation even more desperate by having three children . so there is a big discrepancy between what you are saying and what you are doing.

and what does having a b.a. degree have anything to do with getting a loan?

there's something fishy going on in chicago if you haven't been paid by someone to finish up three courses! you sound so desperately unhappy and confused that therapy might be more important for you now than finishing school. you've had some great advice from this board but i think you need more than loving advice. therapy will help you make a realistic plan for the future and give you the esteem to stick with it. anyone who has lived in a car, under a bridge, married a jerk and had three children with him has a lot of emotional baggage (probably more like trauma). and, of course, it may be easier to concentrate on these three courses than on your own serious problems.

please find a therapist with whom you "click" and take a year off from your "dream" and try to figure out why laurel is making such terrible choices and get your head in a better place.

hi and thanks,

yes...3 classes and that is 1 1/2 semesters.

tuition is $550.00/credit hour.

i owe around $3,200 to the school.

i can't go anywhere else without transcripts from sxu.

you've got guts...i see that but leaving is not an option.

i don't want anyone to stick up for me, i found out that wouldn't happen long before i met him but what i do need is to find some loophole or some way to get the assistance i need. i have already gotten tons of confidence from all of you here!

thanks!

lorel, i just read this whole thread and i have some questions for you...

1st, i really think you need to read and re-read the posts by faeriewand and nancy and lilpeanut. that is all good and true info there.

ok, you say you are only 3 classes from graduating w/a bsn??? is this for real, i mean that's what, 9 credits? you complete these 3 classes,you have no clinicals or your sr yr internship...all of that is done, just 3 classes? what does your college charge per credit hour? have you figured out what it would cost to take 3 classes, 1 per semester...i mean that's 3 semesters and your graduating!

have you actually gone in and sat down w/a college advisor? you seem confused as to when your credits are going to expire. you need to know exactly what you need to graduate. you need to initiate a plan of action, say starting jan 2006.

if you really are that close to graduating w/a bsn, i think it would be ludicrous for you to pursue an lpn program...it won't be any easier or less time consuming.

what these last people are saying is true...if i had come as far as being 3 classes shy of graduating....i would literally[/i] be asking strangers in church for money, having bakesales, topless dancing if need be to get that money together,even if it's 1 class at a time!

i know you have kids, little ones, too, but girl, i have been in your shoes! i, at the age of 19 was married to the biggest jerk on the face of the earth. he no more wanted me continuing w/college than he wanted to jump off a bridge. no, his plan was "keep her barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen, serving me, so i can go out running around doing what i want..." you know that type of bs! well, that lasted a couple of yrs, 4 to be exact and i gave him the boot...after he destroyed my self esteem, constantly told me how worthless i was, that i would never finish school, i was nothing w/out him....blah, blah, blah....yeah whatever...you shoulda seen the look on his face the day he got served w/divorce papers! :rotfl:

basically honey, you gotta grow a pair! really! you are letting this man walk all over you! he is supposed to be your partner, not your master!

and what is mr highnmighty gonna do when you graduate and start working...you'll be making somewhere between $20-30/hr...i'm sure he'll have a use for that now won't he????

make a plan...start generating some income, soley for your tuition, borrow the money, use his name and your house, hell half of it's yours, even if your 4yo goes to part time pre-school. and hubby can pay the tuition for him! you need to really come down on hubby an dlet him know that you can and you will leave his sorry a** if he does not become an active participant in your life, immediately. you know what, i did it...i had 2 young children, 2 and 3 yo. i delayed my dream of finishing college while raising them those 1st few yrs, but then i went back part time,then full time. it was the long way around but i did it!

i'm sorry if this is offensive to you, but lorel, no one is gonna stick up for you, but you! you may love your husband and if he loves you,that is wonderful , once you put your foot down, he will see that he does not want to lose you and he will value your happiness.

I think NancyK made a very good point. The facts are the facts. You need to sit down and distance yourself from the religion, husband, kids, etc. issue and make a decision about yourself. These issues you bring up, of course they are facts. They are important. BUt what you are struggling with right now is a completely different fact. You. Your goals. Your hopes and ambitions. Because, and I don't want to sound critical, I have found myself doing this many times myself when I am confused, but it seems like these issues are acting as a way to sidetrack you from the question at hand "do I want to be a nurse." In addition, you're talking about going back to work but I get the impression that the way things stand right now, that money will not be going toward you, but rather toward the family. That's OK, nothing wrong with that. But in that case, the issue at hand is "Am I doing this to make things better for my family?" You can also make things better by being a nurse.

Dear Leo, I feel like I am not being as nurturing as I should but I don't like "but this", "but that" kind of statements. I know how confusing making a decision can be for some woman that are made to feel worthless about themselves. I just think it over carefully in my crazy little mind, then do it. I focus on a point and don't let anything, or anyone become primary to the goal. I consider everything but my primary goal does not change. Okay I have my spiritual side...how can that help, not hinder my primary goal. My husband is a jerk, how can that influence my primary goal....how much can it hurt it? and what will I do about managing him or removing him from the forefront, my husband is supportive how can this goal help our relationship in the long run,I have my 20 children, can me achieving my primary goal ... IN THE LONG RUN.... hurt them or help them, crush them or set an excellent example for them. That is how I organize the thoughts to reach the goal. What is the best that can happen, what is the worst that can happen. Can I survive the worst outcome? And picture myself enjoying the best outcome. I don't go to far ahead with the goals only do segments.

It took years....I was a lost child that did whatever, believed whatever my husband told me. I do believe in for "better or worse", but I know that whatever God made me he did not make me for any kind of abusive nature. Not supporting your mate through a decision, a difficult time, respecting their choices, that too is for better or for worse. My own father thought for better or for worse meant that if you were being abused in any way...that is what you bargained for when you said I DO....no way. Worse means illness, times of job loss, financial stresses, catastophes,etc. Not abuse for Heavens sake!! Why is that confusing to anyone? God made us so we would be respected and loved, through the good and bad times. Women "stand my their men" and men "stand by their women" even if they decide to go to college, that is not a bad thing, it is an admirable thing. You cannot stifle children or mates by controlling them. It won't work because we are free by nature. A healthy couple stand side by side, no one controlling either. Kids learn a lot when they see thier mom or dad set goals and study for success. They copy what you do not what you say. What do you want for your kids? the best right? then want the same for yourself. You as a parent do not become "not worthy" to become your best when you delivered a child.It is not a selfish act to be all that you can be, it is a giving act.

Nancy K

I think NancyK made a very good point. The facts are the facts. You need to sit down and distance yourself from the religion, husband, kids, etc. issue and make a decision about yourself. These issues you bring up, of course they are facts. They are important. BUt what you are struggling with right now is a completely different fact. You. Your goals. Your hopes and ambitions. Because, and I don't want to sound critical, I have found myself doing this many times myself when I am confused, but it seems like these issues are acting as a way to sidetrack you from the question at hand "do I want to be a nurse." In addition, you're talking about going back to work but I get the impression that the way things stand right now, that money will not be going toward you, but rather toward the family. That's OK, nothing wrong with that. But in that case, the issue at hand is "Am I doing this to make things better for my family?" You can also make things better by being a nurse.

If this has been brought up before, I apologize in advance, I skipped over several pages of posts.

I am another that has a hard time with the idea that your husband is not supportive of YOUR FAMILY'S plight. The old adage "penny wise and dollar foolish" springs to mind. Does he not realize that you COULD pay off the 52K worth of bills if you finished nursing school???!! Including, say, an additional 5-10K worth of debt to actually FINISH your program?

One of two things is going on here, he is either destructively controlling OR there is more to the story that you haven't shared (ex. you have a history of bad decisions regarding your schooling, changing majors halfway through your degrees, history of behavioral problems impacting day to day decisions etc.) Those are the only things I can even think of logically that would cause someone to say "enough, I'm done, go it by yourself".

If the situation is that your husband truly is destructively controlling, then I think you need to honestly reconsider how you intend to get through the grueling aspects of nursing school/clinicals if he is going to be either emotionally distant or downright hostile of your life choices. The last thing patients need is a student nurse that has their head caught up in a million other personal crises than being present with them.

Just some things to ponder.

Two and a half years ago I realized my husband was self destructive with the finacial matters and his race car hobby, that as a hobby I also loved. However, his maturity level was in the toilet because he wanted to play with the car, and not pay the mortgage, utilities, etc. I said to myself, I had to come up with a plan. I told him I was going to nursing school, he said not under his roof. It was "his" house. I signed up, and after the first year he yelled and screamed and said I was not going to be able to stay with him (I really did not want to but let him think he was kicking me out) he moved me to my home in another city, saved me the cost of a mover. I financially suffered for another year of school and did a lot of driving back and forth to school every day and to clinicals. I got a border in my house that stiffed me for part of the rent but the money I did get carried me through a few months, the school loans, a part time job doing home care, a per diem - one day a week doing nutrition..my past profession, and now I am graduated and a Graduate Nurse making some good money. I still have to sign the divorce papers and pass the boards. A step at a time, I did it. And I do not prefer to be by myself but it is a hell of a lot better than having someone like that telling me not to do something to better myself while he is self destructing. Hey, there are a lot of women that will do what they are told, like pets. Not me. I have too much respect for myself and for what is right and moral. It is immoral to treat your wife with anything but the utmost respect. When people say for better or for worse....It does not mean getting treated poorly, not being nutured. The worse part of that means: sickness, fiancial stress that was not caused by self indulgence and stupidity. If someone lost their job because they were ill, or the company closed and they were seriously trying to get a job, etc....that is the "worse" part of those vows. Would any God from any religion want a female not to be supported and respected by their husband? Why is that so hard for some women to understand? Is it because they have no moxy, no real desire to do the work that is required to become a nurse? Maybe that is part of it. Some women want to say" I could have been a nurse but my husband said no and I married him for better or for worse so I have to do what he says out of wifely duties"....come on! And what will happen to little missy if he decides to find someone else or dies. With that kind of respect he is not going to take care of you in the long run unless you do as you are told, is that what women are really afraid of? Part of the reason men say "NO" is they are afraid their wife will be better than they are and they will then have to treat them well to keep them!Or some men that are really insecure think doctors are just thee to sweep nurses off thier feet....it does not work like that. What a pitiful reason not to go to school. And if he is a slug or a control freak, or just a looser then just maybe the wife will leave. But if your husband is supportive of you wanting to make things better with a lot of hard work and studying then I am sure that particular wife will make it, will love her husband even more, their relationship will be at a higher level and will have a lot better lifestyle because of the mutual sacrifice and the better income and the more fullfilling job....that is what husbands and wives are supposed to do for each other. That is what wedding vows are about.

I am sorry my marriage did not work out but it was not because I went to nursing school. It was because my husband could not be supportive while I was in school, because he wanted a free ride on me, because he was not honoring his wedding vows. But darn, I was not going down with that ship.

YOu only get to live this life once. Like they say it is not a dress rehersal. I feel I have a long way to go. Maybe someday I will meet someone that will respect me for who I am and want to share life with me, maybe not. I am doing the right thing. I get so much out of being a good nurse and nurturing the patients. You might make the difference for so many patients. That is what I want to do and have moved along in that path. I won't feel totally accomplished until I pass the boards and know the ropes on the job but everyday I am just that much closer. I could be stuck in that house with that man that wanted me to work to support his habit. No thanks. I think God would be happier with my decision than coming up with "for better or worse" as a reason not to better myself and be more of a contribution to society.

Nancy K.icon10.gif

Specializes in Operating Room.

I like your attitude! lol

I know I asked my husband about it, but ours is a different situation. I was in school when we met, but I didn't finish.

I have gone back and forth, but never finished.

When I asked him for his opinion, he was all for it, but mainly b/c I was awarded a scholarship from a hospital, in return for working for them after I graduate.

So, he was all for it knowing he didn't have to fork over the money for me just in case I didn't finish.

LOL :)

Now, he has to come to realization that I will not be doing all the cleaning. :rotfl: He does most of the cooking, only b/c he used to work nights & I worked during the day. We just got in a habit of him cooking. (Of course I allow him to think he's such a better cook than myself!) :rotfl: :rotfl:

Two and a half years ago I realized my husband was self destructive with the finacial matters and his race car hobby, that as a hobby I also loved. However, his maturity level was in the toilet because he wanted to play with the car, and not pay the mortgage, utilities, etc. I said to myself, I had to come up with a plan. I told him I was going to nursing school, he said not under his roof. It was "his" house. I signed up, and after the first year he yelled and screamed and said I was not going to be able to stay with him (I really did not want to but let him think he was kicking me out) he moved me to my home in another city, saved me the cost of a mover. I financially suffered for another year of school and did a lot of driving back and forth to school every day and to clinicals. I got a border in my house that stiffed me for part of the rent but the money I did get carried me through a few months, the school loans, a part time job doing home care, a per diem - one day a week doing nutrition..my past profession, and now I am graduated and a Graduate Nurse making some good money. I still have to sign the divorce papers and pass the boards. A step at a time, I did it. And I do not prefer to be by myself but it is a hell of a lot better than having someone like that telling me not to do something to better myself while he is self destructing. Hey, there are a lot of women that will do what they are told, like pets. Not me. I have too much respect for myself and for what is right and moral. It is immoral to treat your wife with anything but the utmost respect. When people say for better or for worse....It does not mean getting treated poorly, not being nutured. The worse part of that means: sickness, fiancial stress that was not caused by self indulgence and stupidity. If someone lost their job because they were ill, or the company closed and they were seriously trying to get a job, etc....that is the "worse" part of those vows. Would any God from any religion want a female not to be supported and respected by their husband? Why is that so hard for some women to understand? Is it because they have no moxy, no real desire to do the work that is required to become a nurse? Maybe that is part of it. Some women want to say" I could have been a nurse but my husband said no and I married him for better or for worse so I have to do what he says out of wifely duties"....come on! And what will happen to little missy if he decides to find someone else or dies. With that kind of respect he is not going to take care of you in the long run unless you do as you are told, is that what women are really afraid of? Part of the reason men say "NO" is they are afraid their wife will be better than they are and they will then have to treat them well to keep them!Or some men that are really insecure think doctors are just thee to sweep nurses off thier feet....it does not work like that. What a pitiful reason not to go to school. And if he is a slug or a control freak, or just a looser then just maybe the wife will leave. But if your husband is supportive of you wanting to make things better with a lot of hard work and studying then I am sure that particular wife will make it, will love her husband even more, their relationship will be at a higher level and will have a lot better lifestyle because of the mutual sacrifice and the better income and the more fullfilling job....that is what husbands and wives are supposed to do for each other. That is what wedding vows are about.

I am sorry my marriage did not work out but it was not because I went to nursing school. It was because my husband could not be supportive while I was in school, because he wanted a free ride on me, because he was not honoring his wedding vows. But darn, I was not going down with that ship.

YOu only get to live this life once. Like they say it is not a dress rehersal. I feel I have a long way to go. Maybe someday I will meet someone that will respect me for who I am and want to share life with me, maybe not. I am doing the right thing. I get so much out of being a good nurse and nurturing the patients. You might make the difference for so many patients. That is what I want to do and have moved along in that path. I won't feel totally accomplished until I pass the boards and know the ropes on the job but everyday I am just that much closer. I could be stuck in that house with that man that wanted me to work to support his habit. No thanks. I think God would be happier with my decision than coming up with "for better or worse" as a reason not to better myself and be more of a contribution to society.

Nancy K.icon10.gif

Specializes in NICU/L&D, Hospice.

Lorel,

The way I see it is that if you had the support from your husband, all the other issues would work themselves out. He could watch HIS children while you studied, he would work out the finances to see to it that your could achieve it, and viola! You're an RN.

That is where your problem lies. If you are not willing to get this issue resolved, then you might as well start the laundry.

It's obvious that nothing here is going to help. A lot of great people have offered up tremendous support and advice, to which you usually tell them WHY their advice won't work. You are putting the wall up everywhere. This tells me that you have been taught that you are not worthy of a wonderful life, by your husband. Well, either believe him or believe God. You are giving him more power than the power you give the Lord. Have you ever looked at it like that??? Your kids will be grown up soon. What do you think they will think of you? What do you think of YOU? You will get about as much respect from them that you do from your husband. Zilch.

I want my life to be glorious. I want to shine. I don't need to win a lottery or be rich. I am totally willing to struggle to get that.

I want my kids to be proud of me. As their mom, I need to be strong. And I am! My husband works hard and totally supports me. His mom won't even allow me to clean while in nursing school! I'm NOT lucky. I'm blessed. I chose my life. I chose my husband. I chose my path. Because I am the only one that can be inside my body and head. It is MY life. I just share it with those around me.

as far as when to go to school. You will one day be 50. You can be 50 and still be in the same position, or you can be 50 with your RN. You're still going to be 50. It's what you do with those years that will determine where you will be.

My suggestion is to stop asking for validation from us. Of course we support your efforts. No one wants anyone to live the way you do. My best friend is in your position. After awhile, I just had to stop worrying. Like you, she agrees all that goes on in the home is wrong, and she complains often. BUT... she hasn't done a darned thing to change it. So...I leave her alone about it and just let her live her miserable life. I can't change it for her.

I would go talk to your church about marraige. You may be surprised. I am not catholic, so my understanding and rational is different than yours, but I know the difference between enjoying my life God has led me to and being absolutely miserable.

Best wishes to you and your children.

Just don't ever forget.......you are in control, you just chose to give that control to someone else. You can take it back. Stop feeling sorry for your life and do something about it.

Woogy

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