i've been lurking for a bit on the boards and have gotten some pretty good advice on writing an essay for my nursing application. so now that it's been written i'm wondering if the opening paragraph is too bland or if it should be switched to more of a personal narrative.
here is it how i'ts written so far for my 4 page "traditional essay"
the excitement i holdin the thought of saying “i am going to nursing school” is beyond measure. nursing is such an esteemed health careprofession thati know with an education from virginia commonwealth university i will excel in greatly. my decision to attend virginia commonwealth university relies heavily on the school’s dedication to community programs, its position on research and imparting knowledge to its students. coupled with my compassion, strength and resiliency, a bachelors degree in nursing from vcu will solidify the beginning of a remarkable journey throughout my nursing career.
here it is from my personal narrative that's in my application packet:
“keep pedaling!” is what i yell sundays while cheering on my son, as he races around the bmx track. when i am not cheering, i am on a 20” cruiser myself riding the track. my love of bmx happened on a whim a few years ago. within minutes of watching i was hooked! the physical intensity of using my body to race over bumps and through the turns is like no other. just as exciting as riding is seeing my son working hard and crossing the finish line first, because he did not give up. as a bmx mom i use that as a motto “never give up,” to provide constant reinforcement for our love of life-long learning, whether on track sundays or throughout the week when i put our bikes away and become a homeschool mom.
so i'm tryin to have my app of course stand out, but i don't want to come across as not too serious, and lackign personality, but also nott too much personality and not serious enough. any advice will be ever so greatly appreciated!
-chantal, spring 2011 nursing hopeful