Hoping and Rraying that my "New Life" as A Nursing Student Will Improve my Marriage.

  1. My marriage is dying daily. Funny thing is, it's all so polite and calm. None of the kicking and screaming and gasping for air that you would expect. A nineteen year marriage is ever so slowly, peacefully slipping away with nothing but silent tears to mourn its passing. How can this be?

    I got married at 16. Hubby was 19. I didn't know I had married an alcoholic! I didn't even know he drank, and we had been going out for three years. Hubby bought alcohol the first night we were married and the abuse began. He wasn't physically abusive, but oh he was verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. But, no matter how bad it got, it still wasn't as bad as my family of origin.

    I coped by becoming a martyr. I was a damn good one too! I became the perfect wife and the supermommy. ( I had my first child at age 20.) I was so good, an excellent housewife, and a devoted Christian homeschooling mother.

    All of this worked very well UNTIL HUBBY QUIT DRINKING. Suddenly, he was the bad one that needed to get his act together anymore. He became responsible, available, dependable, and I lost my role. Now, he began wanting to see changes in me. This, along with many other things, led to my breakdown. I spent a month in the mental hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder.

    When I came out of the hospital, hubby's demands changed. Now he just wanted me to make it through the day. He treated me with kid gloves for a year during which time I learned to depend on everyone else for help. Due to the medications, I also started gaining weight like crazy.

    In the past year, Hubby has decided it's time for me to get off my a** and get my life back together. He hates the weak, dependent, fat (333 lb.) person I've become. He has pushes me really hard this past year to no avail.

    You see, I don't want to be supermom anymore! That's fine with him and he understands that but I've got to get back to a normal level of operation ...housecleaning, meals, taking care of kids, etc. I'm so depressed with being at home alone while the kids are at school that I sleep all day....NOT GOOD!

    So, I've decided to go to school. I'm excited, I'm scared to death, I'm so nervous I wish January 18th would just get here before I back out. This is a major undertaking and no one is going to be able to do it for me. I'm on my own as far as schoolwork is concerned.

    My family is very supportive and my 16 year old bought me makeup and hair curlers for Xmas to encourage me to look nice for class. They are willing to help out around the house if they know that I am busy with school instead of sleeping all day.

    I'm praying that going to school will help me gain the independence and self growth I need in order to save a marriage in trouble.

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  2. 20 Comments

  3. by   babynurselsa
    I wish you well. Learn to take care of yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally. I can definitely relate to part of your story. What I found out the hard way is that you can only stuff so much garbage into a little box before it all comes spilling out. That is never pretty.
    Sometimes our roles and relationships change over time. Change is never easy. It sounds like your husband has changed for the better. Congratulations for that. Now it is your turn. Good luck.
  4. by   nan1993
    You are doing the right thing. First get your self together and all will follow. I know, because I have been there. I am sorry for what you have been through, you sound strong. You can do it!
  5. by   Multicollinearity
    I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I would move heaven and Earth to get into therapy. Seeing a psychiatrist for medication check ups and quick talking is not what I mean. I mean, 1 hour appointments, in depth therapy with a psychologist.

    You may gain some self-growth and independence from school, however don't count on that changing your entire situation by default. You need to take care of yourself, explore why you feel the way you do, and discover the tools needed to be successful. It would also be good to work thru these so you don't end up transferring co-dependence and being a martyr (your description) directly to nursing.

    You can do this.
  6. by   stpauligirl
    Quote from grad2009
    My marriage is dying daily. Funny thing is, it's all so polite and calm. None of the kicking and screaming and gasping for air that you would expect. A nineteen year marriage is ever so slowly, peacefully slipping away with nothing but silent tears to mourn its passing. How can this be?

    I got married at 16. Hubby was 19. I didn't know I had married an alcoholic! I didn't even know he drank, and we had been going out for three years. Hubby bought alcohol the first night we were married and the abuse began. He wasn't physically abusive, but oh he was verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful. But, no matter how bad it got, it still wasn't as bad as my family of origin.

    I coped by becoming a martyr. I was a damn good one too! I became the perfect wife and the supermommy. ( I had my first child at age 20.) I was so good, an excellent housewife, and a devoted Christian homeschooling mother.

    All of this worked very well UNTIL HUBBY QUIT DRINKING. Suddenly, he was the bad one that needed to get his act together anymore. He became responsible, available, dependable, and I lost my role. Now, he began wanting to see changes in me. This, along with many other things, led to my breakdown. I spent a month in the mental hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder.

    When I came out of the hospital, hubby's demands changed. Now he just wanted me to make it through the day. He treated me with kid gloves for a year during which time I learned to depend on everyone else for help. Due to the medications, I also started gaining weight like crazy.

    In the past year, Hubby has decided it's time for me to get off my a** and get my life back together. He hates the weak, dependent, fat (333 lb.) person I've become. He has pushes me really hard this past year to no avail.

    You see, I don't want to be supermom anymore! That's fine with him and he understands that but I've got to get back to a normal level of operation ...housecleaning, meals, taking care of kids, etc. I'm so depressed with being at home alone while the kids are at school that I sleep all day....NOT GOOD!

    So, I've decided to go to school. I'm excited, I'm scared to death, I'm so nervous I wish January 18th would just get here before I back out. This is a major undertaking and no one is going to be able to do it for me. I'm on my own as far as schoolwork is concerned.

    My family is very supportive and my 16 year old bought me makeup and hair curlers for Xmas to encourage me to look nice for class. They are willing to help out around the house if they know that I am busy with school instead of sleeping all day.

    I'm praying that going to school will help me gain the independence and self growth I need in order to save a marriage in trouble.
    Take it one day at a time. Do alot for yourself and go to counseling. Your kids are almost grown and out of the house. School will change you, you will make new friends. Look at it as a new beginning, there is a whole other world out there for you to explore and discover! Use the curlers and the make-up that your wonderful suppportive daughter got you :wink2:
    If things become overwhelming turn them over to a higher power, or God or whatever you believe in. You might just discover that it really won't matter what your husband thinks anymore because you will find your path and follow it and it might not include him. This happened to me before and I initially thought I could never survive without that person. You were very young when you met and got married, people change and grow, sometimes they grow apart. Good luck and keep your focus on your kids and school.
  7. by   topamicha
    I think school will be great, as others have said. Getting out of the house, with other adults, doing something for you - it helps with depression so much!!! But, while I understand your husband's concern for you, you said he hates the (paraphrasing here) weak, dependent person you've become. Not so supportive. I just don't think it's fair that you cared for him for so long when he was an alcoholic and in your time of need (bipolar and depression are diseases just like alcoholism!) he would behave that way. Perhaps I'm just not understanding correctly?
  8. by   HeartsOpenWide
    I hear that nursing school can stress a marriage out. Good luck to you. Sometimes we have to pay sacrifices for our jobs, we just have to decide if it is worth it. But you can never know the out come of any situation for sure, some people have the kinds of miracles that happen when the rowing gets rough. And those have the most unpenetratingly good outcomes.
  9. by   Undecided7
    Good for you for going back to school but brace yourself- it's going to be a bumpy and difficult road and I don't know anyone so far that thought nursing school HELPED a marriage. I don't know what kind of program it is, but most people have no idea what nursing school is like. I got a degree in psych too and it was nothing like it.
    In addition to your regular medical care (which INCLUDES mental health as it is a brain disease), you need to check out a program called the marriage boot camp in the Dallas area. Actually it's held in Plano every month. Despite the name, it's really a personal bootcamp (no running or pushups I promise) - you don't even have to be married and yes, you can come alone. It sounds crazy, but you won't even believe the results. TRUST ME- it's hard work, but you get years of therapy in 4 days. You just sign up and someone will sponser you. All you pay is $50 and it a priceless experience. I also promise you will make new best friends. Check out www.themarriagebootcamp.com
  10. by   topamicha
    In the past year, Hubby has decided it's time for me to get off my a** and get my life back together. He hates the weak, dependent, fat (333 lb.) person I've become. He has pushes me really hard this past year to no avail.
    Am I the only one who has a problem with this? Telling a depressed person to get off her a** is tantamount to saying "Snap out of it." Perhaps he should have gotten off his a** and gone to AA years ago? I'm sorry, but this really infuriates me. Certainly taking steps to recover from depression & improve yourself is wonderful, but you need loving support, not more verbal abuse! You stuck by him through ALCOHOLISM, which can be utter hell. He needs to remember that. Surely he wouldn't have recovered without your support. Perhaps he needs to take a look at himself as well.
  11. by   stressgal
    I wish you the best! Please, stay the course and keep us posted!
  12. by   beepeadoo
    Get thee to an Al Anon meeting. Please. Everything you talked about is external. All "If I just... then..." You lived with his raging alcoholism for years, and then with his "recovery" (I'd bet his sponsor didn't know he told you to get off your a**). It's an illness, and just as the caregiver of a cancer patient is affected, you need to talk to other people who have been in your shoes.

    Best of luck. My prayers are with you.
  13. by   kayel
    I also am wishing you the best! I sounds like you are ready to make a change and have taken a huge step in this decision! Keep a positive attitude and believe you CAN do this. I agree with what else has been said re getting counseling, if possible. You are going to need a lot of support in the next few years and dh needs to gather his supporting powers and sympathy and stop blaming you for things beyond your control (e.g. depression).

    I truly hope and pray this works out for you!! Have you been able to get more exercising in? I haven't yet but I have been in Christmas and birthday mode and am just now starting to get my bearings beyond it! Take care and let's talk again soon!
  14. by   Jessy_RN
    my prayers are with you. May the new year bring your marriage closer and a prosperous time in school.

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