Share your funniest patient stories...

I remember when I first got out of nursing and worked nights on med/surg. This little elderly man was admitted to our floor with CHF. His wife was with him & was planning on staying the night in his room. The Doc had ordered 80 mg of lasix IM. Before administereing the lasix I placed a condom cath on ( my first). I gave him the lasix, explained the call bell system & made sure they were comfortable and told them I'd be in a little while later to check on him. I then went back to the nurse's station to start on my notes. About 30 minutes went by & the little gentleman's call light went off. Using to call intercom I asked, " How can I help you?'. The patient's wife timidly said, " Ma'am, this think you put on my husband is broken & it's making a mess everywhere." I had no clue as to what she was talking about, so a CNA & myself went right in to assess the situation. We get in his room & the patients little wife is sitting in the chair with her feet held up as to not touch the floor, she said, "Watch out you'll fall!" There was urine all over the floor. We get over to the patient and pull the covers back, expecting to see the condom off in the bed, but were we surprised!!! His penis looked like a little water fountain & the condom cath held his testicles . The CNA immediately left the room, I appologized & started cleaning him up, One of the other nurses came to help with clean linens and a new condom cath. After the situation was controlled I went to the break area where the staff were at,almost lying in the floor laughing. I finally had to explain to them that I cound't find his penis and had put all the wrinkly stuff inside the condom cath.

I think that my funniest experience occurred while I was working home health. I had this female patient who was very slight on top but very wide across the bottom. One day, she soiled herself and her aide was unable to get her cleaned up. I was called to the home to lend a hand. It was decided that she was no longer able to remain at home so I called EMS for transfer to the local hospital. She had no clean gowns available so the plan was to transport her wrapped in blankets. Upon undressing her, the aide and I realized that she really wasn't that large across her hips........it was her breasts resting along side of her hips! When we (2 EMT's and myself) tried transferring her to the stretcher, we had a very difficult time controlling her breasts. This poor pt literally looked like she had two cantaloupes in a pair of nylons attached to her chest wall. The pt...obviously experienced in this situation....said "No problem. I know how to handle this". With that, she took both of her breasts and tossed them over her shoulders! They funny thing is that they stayed just where she put them!!! Once we got her on the stretcher, she was obviously uncomfortable w/ her laying on them. So, she pulled at the skin on her chest and they flapped back but fell off of the side of the stretcher. We tucked "all of her" in the sheet then secured her w/ the straps. We all excused ourselves back into the house where we all bust a gut laughing!!

Is this story for real?

One night, early in my nursing career, we admitted a patient to our med-surg unit from the ER. He was well into his 90's, a retired physician and a dapper gentleman, well spoken, great sense of humor. I did his admission paperwork and tucked him in to sleep. It crossed my mind to put the "bed exit alarm" on due to his age, but he seemed 100% "with the program" and I decided not to affront his dignity. A short while later, one of the brand new grads came tearing down the hall in hysterics looking for me. She was stammering and white as a sheet. I entered the room and saw blood everywhere. My alert and oriented little doctor-patient had ripped out his IV, and worse, his foley with an inflated balloon. He was standing there stark naked with blood pouring out of his penis. I thought the new grad was going to faint! We assisted him back to the bed, and I grabbed a washcloth and proceeded to apply pressure to the bleeding penis. He realized what he had done, and was a little sheepish. The new grad said, "Oh my God, are you in pain?" With a twinkle in his eye he said, "No, it doesn't hurt, but why don't you wiggle it a little and we'll see if it still works!" I just BURST OUT laughing and she turned a lovely shade of dark purple! What a scream! That night was a real "learning experience" for her!!!

And I'll bet it made a funny memory for her too.