Share your funniest patient stories...

When I worked on med-surg, one of my co-workers related this story. We worked 11-7 on a renal unit. Around 6 am we weighed the ESRD pts who were not scheduled for dialysis that day. My co-worker goes to weigh one pt. she is not familiar with. He is lying in bed under the blankets. She tells him to "hop on the scale". He sits up and she learns he only has one leg! He literally "hops on the scale". She was embarrassed!

Stephanie RN CDE

Another story from when I worked med-surg. One of my male patients called the nursing station and asked for me to come to his room. The nurse who answered the call light asked if I needed to bring anything (juice, medication, water, etc-to save an additional trip). The patient replied "I have what she needs right here! He was referring to a tube of medication that was in his room, but that is not how the other nurses interpreted his comment!

Stephanie RN CDE

i have 2 the first one was i had this little lady who had one of her legs missing aka and she had a prostatic we had just got done with her shower and had her dressed and in her chair with her leg on when we were going down the hall her leg got stuck behind the chair making it look like her leg was bent all the way back under the chair this maint man see's this and starts screaming about her leg breaking. her being the funny person that she was started screaming as well saying oh my God you tore my leg off

Once when I was still a nurse's aide, I was taking care of this little old lady with Alzheimers, who was in restraints. I had to go in her room and turn her and make sure she was clean, and reapply the restraints. While doing all of this, she suddenly grabbed my arm and started tugging on me. I had no idea what she was trying to do. She started talking, and her speech was somewhat garbled, but eventually I started making out something like "C'mere baby, oh do that to me!" and she started making smooching sounds. She was trying to make out with me!!

When I was working as an LPN I was giving a Go-Lyetly prep to en elderly confused man ( for those unfamiliar with the delight of Go-Lytely, it is a bowel prep for endoscopy, it comes in gallon jug and resembles water, the taste is terrible). Anyway it was about half way through my shift when he comes to the door of his room and asked me to come in. I went in assuming he needed a re-fill. He quietly sat down on the edge of his bed looked me straight in the eye and said, "Dear I believe that your water has given me dysentery". Throughout the rest of the night I continued to assure him that I had not given him dysentery, but I guess in his mind I had. Once I lef the room I couldn't help but laugh, even though I did feel bad for him.

OMG!!! I just got off work and I had an incident happen that made me immediately think of this thread!

I work in L&D and when our patients come in for pitocin inductions, part of our protocol is to administer a fleets enema.

Well, I had a patient to come in this morning to be induced who was only 17 years old. I got through her paperwork and thought to myself, "To only be 17 years old this girl seems to have it all together." I then told her that I would have to give her an enema and she asked what an enema was. So I explained it to her - I showed her the enema and told her that I would put the liquid into her rectum and that she should hold it for a bit, then when she needed to, we would get up and go to the bathroom. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Won't that drown my baby??!!!!!!!!"

A couple of funnies I remember:
One patient admitted for 24hr observation after D&C. During my assesment when I went to check pad for bleeding was i surprised when I pulled up her gown to fine a tatoo of the cutest little mouse pushing a lawn mower at the top of her pubic hair!
Another lady came to us after surgery. She was in her early 70's. I was a shocked when I turned her over and found a little green frog tatoo on her lower right cheek.....
Years ago in a LTC facility there was the sweetest lady who about once a month or so would become extremely confused in the middle of the night. She was forever telling us to turn off the lights the electric bill was going to be sky high. She would often wander out of her room with out and always find the fire alarm and then head to the nurses desk after she shut off the lights (by pulling the fire alarm) to tell us she shut the lights off but it was still awful bright in this room....Shortly afterwards the phone would ring and it would be the fire department wanting to know if *#?* was on the move again.

Two incidents stand out. Both happened early in my career, when I was working on an adult mental health/chemical dependency unit. The first was a male patient with bipolar disorder, who I would later have as a patient several times. During our first meeting, he came to the desk and asked if he could talk to me. I agreed. With every ounce of seriousness he could muster, he said "I'm going to have to resign as captain of the Starship Enterprise, because I'm not ready for the responsibility. I'm going to have to call Captain Kirk and tell him." Fortunately he did not linger for long at the desk, because I had to go in the back and laugh after he walked away.

The second incident involved two male patients who both believed they were Jesus Christ. The dueling Messiahs each tried to establish supremacy over the other by performing miracles. When one tried to part the water in a styrofoam cup, I had to leave the room!

right out of nursing school, i had a pt with priapism(side effect from trazadone that his friend had given him to help him sleep).That was not a subject we had talked about much in nursing school. I was rather proud of myself when I figured out how to listen for bowel sounds without making either one (well, me...) of us more uncomfortable by my stethoscope being in the wrong place. I just switched hands to listen to the other side of the abdomen...

Last night, I said knock knock as I walked into a pt's room to retrieve an IV pump that was not in use,saw that his gown was up,sheets were down,and he was busy,which anyone else in the hallway could have seen as well, I just turned around, shut the door and went to the desk to call supply for an IV pump. I now know why his room mate spends so much time taking walks in the hallway.

baaahaaaahaaaaa - OMG, I would have died.................