Medical Grade Duct Tape

Found on the net at: http://phc.mpr.org/activities/199512...y/scripts1.htm

Medical Grade Duct Tape

Announcer: In these economic times it's important to find new answers to old problems. That's why the Duct Tape Corporation is pleased to announce new Medical Grade Duct tape.

Sound: Operating Room noises.

Doctor: Is the patient ready?

Nurse: They're wheeling him in now.

Patient: Ohhh.

Doctor: This should be a simple triple by-pass. Scalpel

Nurse: Here, Doctor

patient: (nervously) Ahh, wait a minute. Shouldn't I be sedated first?

Doctor: What? Do you know what that would cost? Nurse?

Nurse: Yes, Doctor?

Doctor: Tape him down.

Sound: Rip. Rip.

Patient: (paniced) I don't know about this. This doesn't seem like a good idea.

Sound: Rip.

Patient: Mmmm, Uhhh, Mmmm

Doctor: Quit complaining. You'll faint as soon as we start cutting! Okay, making the first incision.

Nurse: First incision.

Doctor: Suction.

Sound: Vacumn and sucking noises.

Doctor: That's good.

Sound: Slurping sound.

Doctor: This machine is much better than the old one. Will this be available for my four o'clock?

Nurse: The Janitor needs it back at five.

Doctor: We'll have to work quickly then. Okay...here's the problem. Ohh!

Nurse: Problem doctor?

Doctor: These arteries are really plugged up! It's like a fat fryer in here. Okay. Time to re-connect the major artery.

Nurse: Suture?

Doctor: No Tape...Duct Tape.

Nurse: Duct Tape Doctor?

Doctor: Yes, it's quicker, easier, and it doesn't bio-degrade.

Sound: Ripping of tape.

Doctor: Okay, just have to watch...oh damn!

Nurse: Problem?

Doctor: Yes. The bottom has stuck to the middle. Can you get that?

Nurse: Here?

Doctor: No, you're twisting it. Yes. That's it. Okay. Let's close.

Sound: Ripping of tape.

Doctor: That's good.

Nurse: Yes Doctor.

Doctor: It's bleeding a little there. Stick another piece on.

Sound: Ripping

Doctor: Longer.

Sound: Rip

Doctor: Bit more.

Sound Rip

Doctor: Perfect.

Announcer: Three days later...

Doctor: So, Mr Jones, how are you feeling?

Patient: (weakly) A bit better..

Doctor: Just want to check how you're healing...

Sound: Long loud rip

Patient: Blood curdling scream.

Doctor: Very good. That's coming along nicely. I'll just get the nurse to tape you up again. Nurse!

Announcer: Yes, new medical grade Duct Tape, doing our bit to bring down medical costs and helping to save Medicare.



[This message has been edited by laugh (edited September 14, 1999).]