Medical Grade Duct Tape

  1. 0
    Found on the net at: http://phc.mpr.org/activities/199512...y/scripts1.htm

    Medical Grade Duct Tape

    Announcer: In these economic times it's important to find new answers to old problems. That's why the Duct Tape Corporation is pleased to announce new Medical Grade Duct tape.

    Sound: Operating Room noises.

    Doctor: Is the patient ready?

    Nurse: They're wheeling him in now.

    Patient: Ohhh.

    Doctor: This should be a simple triple by-pass. Scalpel

    Nurse: Here, Doctor

    patient: (nervously) Ahh, wait a minute. Shouldn't I be sedated first?

    Doctor: What? Do you know what that would cost? Nurse?

    Nurse: Yes, Doctor?

    Doctor: Tape him down.

    Sound: Rip. Rip.

    Patient: (paniced) I don't know about this. This doesn't seem like a good idea.

    Sound: Rip.

    Patient: Mmmm, Uhhh, Mmmm

    Doctor: Quit complaining. You'll faint as soon as we start cutting! Okay, making the first incision.

    Nurse: First incision.

    Doctor: Suction.

    Sound: Vacumn and sucking noises.

    Doctor: That's good.

    Sound: Slurping sound.

    Doctor: This machine is much better than the old one. Will this be available for my four o'clock?

    Nurse: The Janitor needs it back at five.

    Doctor: We'll have to work quickly then. Okay...here's the problem. Ohh!

    Nurse: Problem doctor?

    Doctor: These arteries are really plugged up! It's like a fat fryer in here. Okay. Time to re-connect the major artery.

    Nurse: Suture?

    Doctor: No Tape...Duct Tape.

    Nurse: Duct Tape Doctor?

    Doctor: Yes, it's quicker, easier, and it doesn't bio-degrade.

    Sound: Ripping of tape.

    Doctor: Okay, just have to watch...oh damn!

    Nurse: Problem?

    Doctor: Yes. The bottom has stuck to the middle. Can you get that?

    Nurse: Here?

    Doctor: No, you're twisting it. Yes. That's it. Okay. Let's close.

    Sound: Ripping of tape.

    Doctor: That's good.

    Nurse: Yes Doctor.

    Doctor: It's bleeding a little there. Stick another piece on.

    Sound: Ripping

    Doctor: Longer.

    Sound: Rip

    Doctor: Bit more.

    Sound Rip

    Doctor: Perfect.

    Announcer: Three days later...

    Doctor: So, Mr Jones, how are you feeling?

    Patient: (weakly) A bit better..

    Doctor: Just want to check how you're healing...

    Sound: Long loud rip

    Patient: Blood curdling scream.

    Doctor: Very good. That's coming along nicely. I'll just get the nurse to tape you up again. Nurse!

    Announcer: Yes, new medical grade Duct Tape, doing our bit to bring down medical costs and helping to save Medicare.



    [This message has been edited by laugh (edited September 14, 1999).]
  2. 6 Comments so far...

  3. 0
    Wrong Thread
    Last edit by dollface on May 29, '04 : Reason: wrong thread
  4. 0
    very bizaare
  5. 0
    You know, duct tape is much more effective than leather restraints, you do not need a special bed, you can just duct them right there to the wall or the chair, or the floor.....
  6. 0
    What a great idea!! I'm never without my roll of everyday duct tape, and we all know how many million things it's good for, so pharmaceutical-grade duct tape would be a great breakthrough, IMO!
  7. 0
    Can you imagine the uses for Gorilla Glue??
    I bet it would be awesome for fixing broken bones..lol
  8. 0
    old saying.....IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT.....DUCT IT!!!!!


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