Funny things patients say !

Nurses Humor

Published

While working in the emergency room I was taking care of a 90 year old lady who came in by wheelchair from a local rest home. Her complaint was right leg swelling and we found an obvious deformity of the femur but she denied any pain. An x-ray revealed a femur facture and the orthopedist was called. It was quite a long wait and I heard the patient call out "nurse come in here". I went to her and she asked me to get her up into her wheelchair, I explained to her that her leg was broken and she needed to stay in bed. She replied very seriously "only one of them is broken I can still scoot around in my chair now get me up out of this bed!"

Specializes in CNA, Psych tech, ED tech, Basic EMT.

i am absolutely grinning like an idiot right now! these posts are hilarious!!!

here's mine!

i was doing a round of clinicals at our local ltc, and got to interview a wonderful lady who was 103 years old, and completely with it. when my instructer asked our lady what her secret for long life was, she replied with a twinkle in her eye, "only have one man!"

0 Votes

During an admission assessment, I asked the patient how many alcohol drinks he has per day. He looked puzzled and said, "I don't know, I just drink til they are all gone."

0 Votes

Had a 40 yo male admitted to the ED after having just been side swiped by a car going 60mph. The dude had a L wrist fx, L open tib-fib fx and of course several bumps and bruises, but otherwise looked pretty good for having just been hit by a car.

Anyway, after we got him really stoned on morphine, I was asking him how he was feeling, doing an assessment when he with a thick morphine-drawl slurrs, "Oh man... I don't think I'm going to make it to church tomorrow... shoot... oh well... I guess they'll understand..."

0 Votes

I have two stories from nursing school...

First:

During our senior year our careplans required us to interview our patients. My classmate was assigned to care for a nun. When asking the nun about her health history, the nun replied that she had been diagnosed with immaculate conception a few years prior. Trying to stiffle her giggles and figure out what the nun could possibly have meant my classmate finally figured out that the nun meant to say macular degeneration :D

Second:

During our senior year, I was taking care of a client who was scheduled to discharge the next day. I had new orders to DC his foley and gathered the necessary supplies. I went into the patients room and began to explain to him that I was going to remove his catheter. At this point he lost all of his color and became quite nervous. I asked him if he was feeling okay and he wanted to know if it would hurt. I explained to him that it might burn a little but that the discomfort wouldn't last long. He let out a deep breath and seemed to brace himself for the procedure. I gloved up and unwrapped the syringe so I could deflate the balloon. As soon as he saw the syringe he let out a HUGE sigh of relief. He then said, "Oh thank God you are going to deflate the balloon." It turns out that he worked in a funeral home and when he receives bodies that have foley's in place he just yanks them out inflated balloon and all. It never occurred to him to deflate the balloon so he thought that we would do the same for him. I have never seen a patient so relieved.

0 Votes

I was taking care of a 100 year old man at the LTC facility I work at. One day he wheeled himself up to me while I was standing at my med cart and said, "By golly you are a cute little chicken!" Then he was sitting there for a few mins. talking to me and I was crushing up some meds in a pill crusher and he told me I better be careful with that cocaine I was crushing up LOL! The things they say, makes my day! :lol2:

0 Votes

I'm a nursing student and it was my first day caring for a patient on the Tele unit. She was very ill and had been waiting for a liver for quite some time. She was admitted a month before, and the staff nurse and I were telling her she was getting a new liver =)

So it's me, staff nurse and ancillary in the room and she starts crying and laughing and said, "I have to call him. No I have to call her first. I just have to tell everyone!"

The staff nurse says, "OK, but first we have to run some tests..."

Patient: "No, no, no. The first thing you have to do is get me the h*ll off of this bed pan!":lol2:

0 Votes

just recently I had a cute one. I had set a patient up with a bowl of water and some toiletries to wash. I asked her "Can you manage?" and she looked at funny and said "I'm 82 dear!".

0 Votes
I went into the patients room and began to explain to him that I was going to remove his catheter. At this point he lost all of his color and became quite nervous. I asked him if he was feeling okay and he wanted to know if it would hurt. I explained to him that it might burn a little but that the discomfort wouldn't last long. He let out a deep breath and seemed to brace himself for the procedure. I gloved up and unwrapped the syringe so I could deflate the balloon. As soon as he saw the syringe he let out a HUGE sigh of relief. He then said, "Oh thank God you are going to deflate the balloon." It turns out that he worked in a funeral home and when he receives bodies that have foley's in place he just yanks them out inflated balloon and all. It never occurred to him to deflate the balloon so he thought that we would do the same for him. I have never seen a patient so relieved.

Holy cow! Tears running down my face! Stomach ache! Nearly peed my pants! Thanks so much for posting. I haven't laughed this hard since...well, since yesterday, actually, but thanks! :hpygrp:

0 Votes
Specializes in Med/Surg. LTC,Homecare,Private care.

My grandfather just turned 90 in September. I asked him what he had been doing to keep busy,his reply was "Well, I go visit old people.". He still drives and visits my 92 y/o great aunt and her 94 y/o "friend".So I guess he means them since he is only 90!

I worked for 6 yrs. on med/surg in a local hospital and heard a few good ones there also. One morning I was setting up a wash basin,soap etc. and my patient was an elderly woman in her late 80's. I asked her if she needed help and if she had everything she needed. Her reply was," Well, I guess I'm ok. But I want to make sure my "downstairs" gets washed good so I might need help a little later."I had to laugh -!!

0 Votes
Specializes in Geri-psych, corrections, wound care, MDS.

Our patients are primarily psych, with a few of the requisite LOLs thrown in for added excitement. One woman has recently become fascinated with hanging out in my office door and talking to me/staring while I work. She basically speaks in neologisms and/or sounds, but the other day in the middle of one of her monologues, she stopped and said "But you don't want to put too much in the pancreas; if you do, it'll burst, and then you'll need glasses!" It was totally random. I lol'd hard. :)

0 Votes

One of the aides asked me to check on a patient. When I went into the patients room she said, "I'm feeling short of breath and I didn't even get to the passion part yet (of her romance novel.)

0 Votes
Specializes in mental health + aged care.

One pt (in a long term mental health facility) was complaining about the state of things and how no one loves her or appreciates her. A staff member asked her what would help. "Sex with a handsome sailor man, him on top, me on the bottom" was the immediate reply

0 Votes
+ Add a Comment