Employee handbook

  1. UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

    DRESS CODE
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    SICK DAYS
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    PERSONAL DAYS
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
    This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

    RESTROOM USE
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

    LUNCH BREAK
    Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

    Have a nice week!

    THE MANAGEMENT
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  2. 9 Comments

  3. by   Equestreanne
    The handbook was funny except for the fat people only geting 5 mins that's all it takes to drink a slimfast. It was rude and wasn't funny at all. Other wise everything else was
  4. by   adidas99
    Quote from Equestreanne
    The handbook was funny except for the fat people only geting 5 mins that's all it takes to drink a slimfast. It was rude and wasn't funny at all. Other wise everything else was
    Last edit by adidas99 on Jan 29, '07
  5. by   SKM-NURSIEPOOH
    Quote from adidas99
    sorry...i agree the fat bit wsn't nice....guess i shoulda eyed it all a lil more before i sent it. dont hold it against me.
    that's what the edit button's for

    cheers!
    moe
  6. by   Audreyfay
    Very funny! :chuckle Can't win for losing. That's what is called "Employment at will."
  7. by   Equestreanne
    It's ok, it's very easy to miss some stuff an it slips by no hard feelings
  8. by   Hellllllo Nurse
    Quote from Equestreanne
    The handbook was funny except for the fat people only geting 5 mins that's all it takes to drink a slimfast. It was rude and wasn't funny at all. Other wise everything else was
    Well, I am "fat" and I thought it was funny. Only I drink Atkins' shakes, not slimfast.
  9. by   nursebedlam
    was tops
  10. by   hypnotic_nurse
    Quote from Hellllllo Nurse
    Well, I am "fat" and I thought it was funny. Only I drink Atkins' shakes, not slimfast.
    Me too!
  11. by   jemommyRN
    I thought it was hilarious and no harm done, it was all in fun.

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