I've been a RN for over three years and am still very fearful about working as a nurse. Before I go into work I can't stop thinking about making possible mistakes and who will think that I am incompetent. It seems I lack self confidence more than any of the nurses that have been in nursing as long as I have. I've tried three different areas of nursing (telemetry, ICU, and cardiac testing.) I've been working in my current job for the past year doing testing.
There were some major issues in my personal life before I decided to become a nurse like my house burned down and we rebuilt. When I started an accelerated nursing program at 41, my sister died. Then I got my 1st job in telemetry and after a year, my father-in-law died. I took a job in ICU at that time, and it just was too hectic for me so I resigned.
Finally I found a job in cardiac testing. About a month after I started there, my teenage daughter had a depressive breakdown. I was beside myself in a new job and torn between needing to be there for her. I sought out professional help for her and for me to help me cope with the new job and to help me take care of my daughter. Over the course of eight months my daughter responded very well to treatment, but I had a depressive breakdown and had to take a leave from my job.
When I came back to work I felt close to my coworkers who were concerned for me. I told them why I had been off work. This was a big mistake. I am now being scrutinized in everything that I do. I have no self esteem. I feel that no one trusts me. I have overheard coworkers talking about me. My boss is tired of me having depressive episodes. Many of my peers are constantly reporting back to her of my performance.
I now keep to myself, do my job one patient at a time, don't tell my boss when I'm struggling, and pretend nothing is bothering me. The whole time I'm worrying that something will go wrong or I'm going to make a mistake and look like a fool. I have constant self doubt. There's also a great fear of talking to the doctors because a lot of them are demoralizing.
Please, any feedback would greatly be appreciated.