Nursing is detroying my home life!

rn/writer, RN · May 31, 2008

I'm sorry you're going through such tough times.

I do have to point out, though, that nursing isn't the culprit here. Your wife might be using her career choice to rationalize her choices, but that doesn't make her right.

Yes, there can be times of extreme stress, both during school and on the job afterward, but most of us find ways to cope that don't involve destroying our relationships or dabbling with addiction.

I strongly encourage you to seek counseling. If she doesn't want to participate, go on your own. Instead of just reacting to her, figure out what you want for you and your son and invite her to be involved in your future. Present her with choices that require her to act as a part of a family or go her own way. This isn't fun, but sometimes it's necessary.

It does sound like your wife had some serious issues before nursing came along. If that's the case, using school and career to justify bad behavior is nothing more than a flimsy excuse to act up and act out. A counselor can help to differentiate between true career-related stressors (working odd shifts, dealing with patient demands, etc.) and simple selfishness (I don't feel like taking care of myself or my family, gambling makes me feel good, etc.). You don't have to fall for the crock that nursing "made her do it."

If your marriage has become toxic, you owe it to all involved to take steps to either improve it or leave it behind.

I wish you and your son the best. And your wife, too. It may not be too late for her to come around.

hoppermom3 · May 31, 2008

I think my DH is in your boat, frustratedspouse. We also have been married 12 years, own a business, and I have been a nurse for 2 years. If I had it to do over again, I don't believe I would have gone back to school. All through school, he was pretty understanding - taking care of 3 kids, running the business, and church activities. We just thought it would get better I finished school.

Now, 2 years later, I am wondering if we will ever get the joy back in our home.

frustratedspouse · May 31, 2008

'm sorry you're going through such tough times.
I do have to point out, though, that nursing isn't the culprit here. Your wife might be using her career choice to rationalize her choices, but that doesn't make her right.
Yes, there can be times of extreme stress, both during school and on the job afterward, but most of us find ways to cope that don't involve destroying our relationships or dabbling with addiction.
I strongly encourage you to seek counseling. If she doesn't want to participate, go on your own. Instead of just reacting to her, figure out what you want for you and your son and invite her to be involved in your future. Present her with choices that require her to act as a part of a family or go her own way. This isn't fun, but sometimes it's necessary.
It does sound like your wife had some serious issues before nursing came along. If that's the case, using school and career to justify bad behavior is nothing more than a flimsy excuse to act up and act out. A counselor can help to differentiate between true career-related stressors (working odd shifts, dealing with patient demands, etc.) and simple selfishness (I don't feel like taking care of myself or my family, gambling makes me feel good, etc.). You don't have to fall for the crock that nursing "made her do it."
If your marriage has become toxic, you owe it to all involved to take steps to either improve it or leave it behind.
I wish you and your son the best. And your wife, too. It may not be too late for her to come around.

Excuse me, but I said very little about my wife before nursing school. She started smoking, gambling, gaining weight, and ignoring my son and I after she started nursing. Sorry to tell you, the marriage isn't toxic---- THIS CAREER IS!

If it wasn't the divorce rate for people (male or female) in this career would not be astronomical! Why must so many nurses fend for this career like it is a religious order or a living entity? You are specially trained medical personnel, not members of a cloister.

For those that have not started, STAY OUT!

elkpark · May 31, 2008

Who said the divorce rate for nurses is "astronomical"? Do you have a source to support that?

I know a kazillion nurses (including myself :)) who are nothing at all like what you describe of your wife. I agree that one must consider the possibility that there are other factors at play here (although I would not presume to guess what those factors might be).

caliotter3 · May 31, 2008

Whether you agree with everything said or not, it is still apparent that you and your son are candidates for counseling to help you both cope with your wife's behavior. Whatever the cause, she is the one who is destroying your family life, not her career choice. She could learn how to leave her nurse behavior at work if she were aware of it and wanted to. No reason for her to continuously take out her frustrations on her family. Please do your son and yourself a favor and seek a trained professional to talk to. It can not hurt. Good luck.

frustratedspouse · May 31, 2008

Who said the divorce rate for nurses is "astronomical"? Do you have a source to support that?
I know a kazillion nurses (including myself :)) who are nothing at all like what you describe of your wife. I agree that one must consider the possibility that there are other factors at play here (although I would not presume to guess what those factors might be).

What kind of nursing do you do? My wife is a CCRN in CVICU.

As for the question of divorce rate: Vanderbilt and JHU both did studies on physicians and nurses. Divorce rates for surgeons were 50+% one of the highest of any occupation. Nursing was not far behind.

I would love to know the opinions of the 'kazillion' nurses' spouses, I bet it is not the same.

Nurses tend to put blinders on to everyone but the all important patient.

Editorial Team / Admin · May 31, 2008

When you become one of those patients, you will appreciate the care and expertise of those nurses who put you first while they're at work.

Some have a hard time leaving work at work, and being Mom and Spouse at home.

There are many of us who struggle to keep the balance.

We all have choices, and some of them are not easy.

frustratedspouse · May 31, 2008

Whether you agree with everything said or not, it is still apparent that you and your son are candidates for counseling to help you both cope with your wife's behavior. Whatever the cause, she is the one who is destroying your family life, not her career choice. She could learn how to leave her nurse behavior at work if she were aware of it and wanted to. No reason for her to continuously take out her frustrations on her family. Please do your son and yourself a favor and seek a trained professional to talk to. It can not hurt. Good luck.

You know what the problem is, it's simple. Nursing at the highest levels is infiltrated with feminist dogma, and not good feminism, not the kind that empowers women, the kind that turns them into victims and abusers.

I would not seek a shrink for anything. They are far more damaged than anyone out there! One of the worst frauds perpetrated on America by the baby boomers is counseling.

You want help my wife, convince her to take her brilliant mind and do something that doesn't rob my son of every precious moment he needs with his mother.

How about engineering? how about teaching? hell, I'd rather she was a pilot, we'd see her more.

frustratedspouse · May 31, 2008

When you become one of those patients, you will appreciate the care and expertise of those nurses who put you first while they're at work.
Some have a hard time leaving work at work, and being Mom and Spouse at home.
There are many of us who struggle to keep the balance.
We all have choices, and some of them are not easy.

I've been a patient. I was wounded in a exchange of gun fire. My nurse, was a prissy, rude, fruitcake that D/C'd the my heaprin drip without a doctor's order.

More ERA, feminist dogma. Nursing is a vocation, and frankly the education system around it is as broken as the lives it destroys.

It's fact. Moreover, most of the nurses that hang out here, are the sort that make my wife's job a 100x harder. She's is better than this career. End of story!

frustratedspouse · May 31, 2008

One more thing, some of you baby boomers need to retire and make way for fresh blood.

For one I am sick of all baby boomers, in every occupation, you are whiny, selfish, and self centered. You think psych meds, talky time, and liberal BS are the solution to everything---- horse feathers!

My wife was brilliant at mathematics, on her way to becoming an electrical engineer, then some morbidly obese, manic-depressive, nursing teacher snared her.

"Oh it's a career with a difference."

caliotter3 · May 31, 2008

You've got problems that extend beyond the behavior of your wife. We can't help you here. You've indicated that yourself.