Where's the line for professional and personal info? (Especially regarding being gay)

anon456, BSN, RN · Sep 21, 2015

This is a very thoughtful question! Remember it's about the patient, not you. Whatever answer draws the least attention to yourself and the most attention to the patient is the best answer. I have found that most of the time when they ask these questions, they want to talk about their own kids or husband or whatever, but it's a way to get that topic opened up.

I also think unless a person works at a hospital that is run by a certain religious organization they should not wear any religious symbols at all unless it's subtle. Also forget the wristbands, buttons, lanyard holders, or anything else of that nature.

If they ask if you have kids, you can say "No I don't, but I'm a favorite auntie. Do you have kids?" and direct it back to them. If they ask if you have a boyfriend just smile and say, "I'm happily single" or "I do have someone special in my life" and then ask them how long they've been married or whatever info you have on them. If you don't know, just answer in a vague way and then ask what they want to order for breakfast or something. ;-)

You will unfortunately occasionally encounter homophobia both from patients and staff. I am a strong gay ally and have someone close to me who is gay. I am sensitive to the comments I sometimes hear from parents of my patients who watch the evening news and want to voice their opinion to someone-- and they assume I share the same point of view as they do. I just acknowledge what they say and change the subject. It's not my role to educate them. It's my role to care for their child and that's it. I have also encountered nurses who have made comments and it's hurtful. I don't put them in their place right away, but I find a way to talk about it later in a way that they know where I stand on the issue.

quiltynurse56, LPN, LVN · Sep 21, 2015

How you answer that is up to you, but you can just answer 'no' to each of the questions. The administrator of the LTC I work in is gay. We have a resident who asked him what his wife does. He just answered, 'stays at home'. Didn't to into any other details and left it at that. He has a male partner and I really have no clue what he does, but I thought his answer to the resident was great.

Once you get to know your co-workers, you can tell them more if you want to do so.

SlickSouthpaw · Sep 21, 2015

How you answer that is up to you, but you can just answer 'no' to each of the questions. The administrator of the LTC I work in is gay. We have a resident who asked him what his wife does. He just answered, 'stays at home'. Didn't to into any other details and left it at that. He has a male partner and I really have no clue what he does, but I thought his answer to the resident was great.
Once you get to know your co-workers, you can tell them more if you want to do so.

Generally I've done the "no" "no" and "no" response, and I find, that even if I want to be polite about it, and reflect that in my tone, patients have become...uncomfortable, like I'm some alien that they can't relate to or hope to build a relationship with because I don't have a significant other/kids/ect. Then again, when I have shared a bit, it's a catch-22, heh.

SlickSouthpaw · Sep 21, 2015

I've redirected quite a few times with patients (though the gossipy types, both male and female don't seem to appreciate it, haha). It gets to be tedious, especially when I worked long term because I'm with patients when they are most vulnerable and here I am dodging questions and redirecting.

I guess what bothers me most is that I haven't found a happy medium yet. I'm happy to hear that you're a gay ally though :)

Oh man, and homophobia comments, from both staff and patients, it's hard. Especially when I have to provide care to someone who's actively hating. I do my best to swallow my pride and assist them, because at the end of the day, they're a human being and I get to go home....they didn't.

bunnysanford · Sep 21, 2015

With patients, I tend to deflect and make it about them, and that seems to work. The worst I experienced in clinical was a somewhat homophobic joke-y comment from the husband of a very ill patient, as I was in there taking care of her. I don't even remember exactly what he said, but I got the feeling it didn't ever occur to him that I was any shade of queer, and I definitely felt invisible except for my burning cheeks and ears. It's hard to contend with all of the assumptions appropriately, without sounding like, "Me! ME! I'm GAAAAY!"

Most of my classmates that I talked to knew, and it was no big deal. I start my first RN job in a city hospital next month. I plan to be out to coworkers -- there's no sense in working three twelves a week in an environment where I have to change pronouns or erase large chunks of my life or miss telling all my best stories. I will probably have to be more selectively open with patients, and hone my sense for that. It stinks that in 2015 this is still an issue, and even using inclusive language instead of assuming is interpreted as being too "politically correct."

bunnysanford · Sep 21, 2015

On the other hand, the best cure for homophobia is knowing (and liking) a gay person. It might not be too bad to respond truthfully to the questions sometimes, but I know from experience that turns into teaching random people LGBT101, which can be kind of exhausting and lead to some very invasive questions (like, "well, which one of you is the 'guy' in the relationship?" Uh, neither. That's kind of the point), even if all I wanted to do is not erase a very important person from my life.

SlickSouthpaw · Sep 21, 2015

On the other hand, the best cure for homophobia is knowing (and liking) a gay person. It might not be too bad to respond truthfully to the questions sometimes, but I know from experience that turns into teaching random people LGBT101, which can be kind of exhausting and lead to some very invasive questions (like, "well, which one of you is the 'guy' in the relationship?" Uh, neither. That's kind of the point), even if all I wanted to do is not erase a very important person from my life.

True, I grew up in an extremely conservative Catholic community were even the *hint* of being gay was considered GAY AGENDA STOP SHOVING IT DOWN MY THROAT...so showing that I'm not some kind of gay monster off to...ruin lives somehow but an actual human being that cares about people has been a bit of a tricky challenge.

There's only been one patient that I think I didn't deflect questions, and that's cos his gaydar was spot on and he was a former drag queen. It was a relief knowing that casual questions/answers would have been...casual and not either a demonizing session or LGBT 101 that has a special dose of humiliation and invasion that wouldn't exist if I was a single mom or whatever.

Even with coworkers, I think one of the weirdest consistent reactions I've gotten is from ladies asking immediately if they're my type and getting offended that I say "no". :banghead: I don't like all women just like straight ladies don't like all men and apparently that's a difficult concept to grasp even when I was trying to be super casual about the whole thing in answering why I don't have a boyfriend or my magical solution to having dates in the past and how I managed to not have kids.

Sometimes I try and add a bit of humor to it, but um...that's just as much of a coin toss as the internal debate on answering more to "nope, no husband/boyfriend" question.

elkpark · Sep 21, 2015

IMO, at work, it's always better to disclose less rather than more, with clients and staff alike, regardless of what the topic is. You can always decide later on to disclose something, but you can't ever take back stuff that you have put out there. I have always kept my cards pretty close to my chest at work regarding my personal life, just on general principle. These people are coworkers, not friends (esp. when you're just starting out in a new place). The art of making "small talk" without actually disclosing any personal information is a useful, valuable skill in nursing. :)

Now, if you want to ask me about my career, where I went to school, what I like about psychiatric nursing, where else I've worked and what I've done (professionally) over the years, I'm fine with that. But I'm v. cautious about disclosing any personal info. You never know when something is going to come back to bite you.

Best wishes!

SlickSouthpaw · Sep 22, 2015

The art of making "small talk" without actually disclosing any personal information is a useful, valuable skill in nursing. :)

Now this is a skill I wished I learned in school, haha.

betterinthesun · Sep 22, 2015

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can totally understand how frustrating that must be. I have a slightly introverted personality so I just don't like giving details of my life to random people. Then I see one of my coworkers talking to a patient about her kid's birthday and whipping out her phone to show pictures of her family and the patients love it. I think part of it is just the patient's boredom and for some its just nosiness or curiosity.

What works well for me is saying I need to concentrate on what I'm doing and can't talk (patients usually appreciate hearing that I have laser focus while doing an assessment or approaching them with a needle to start an IV). Or you can just quickly answer "no" and then change the subject to ask about the patient or something playing on their tv or the weather or something (you get the idea). Sometimes I'll make some corny comment like "well my mom always said its rude to talk about myself too much so I'm not going to gab about me".

Don't feel pressured to disclose anything you don't want to about your personal life, there are plenty of others out there who prefer not to.

jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B · Sep 25, 2015

My standard answer to patients: "Thank you so much for being interested in me!! Alas, my focus has to be you!! We want to get you functioning and out of here and back to your life. So, today lets get you out of bed and into a chair..."

And I am from a progressive kind of a place, and grew up that way. So people who are LGBT, different cultures, different religions and the like are pretty norm. And I am far from the only one. So it may be dependent on where you are in the country.

But I find "am I your type" questions disturbing in general. Who says that at work?! I have said before "really like working with you but I keep work work and life life and never the twain shall meet!! Keeps things focused for me for work."

Even my most favorite people I work with don't know a lot about my life--and that's ok, much like people in my life don't know a lot about my work.

There are companies (and unions) who have a lot of groups for all kinds of things--from LGBT, to certain religions, to clubs of sorts. These are usually larger parent facilities. For me, I get involved in some due to my interests. And that may or may not be your thing, However, you may want to think about getting involved even in your ethics board. Because chances are there are a lot more patients and/or nurses who are wanting advocacy, and not as comfortable in their role as a gay person who is a patient or a nurse.

Best wishes!!