Thoughts from a person with Borderline Personality Disorder

Nurses Recovery

Published

Hello.

Sometimes I get feelings that I sit there and think "is this normal?" So, I go to the internet and research. I get "heartbroken" every time. I come across some pretty nasty comments about people with Borderline Personality Disorder. (BPD). Even some books paint a pretty ugly picture of people with BPD. I have come across comments occasionally here about BPD.

I will be the first to admit that I can difficult to be around sometimes. But, note the sometimes. People with BPD aren't angry, clingy, and don't have black and white thinking all the time. Sometimes I am okay and "normal". Then, I have moments of extreme despair and other times, I feel extremely happy. About the trying to avoid abandonment and getting attached...this doesn't happen with every person I meet. There's actually only a few people that I felt really attached to.

I also see a lot of things that say people with BPD lie a lot. I think depends on the person because I don't like being lied to and I have severe trust issues. So, I try and stay honest with others because that's what I expect to be given to me.

I came across a post online about a person with BPD leaving a non-BPD person. The non-BPD person was upset because all they had read was that people with BPD try to avoid abandonment. I was slightly agitated at this post because they blamed the person with BPD. I feel like it's a "darned if you, darned if you don't" thing. If we are clingy and try and get someone back, we are stalkers; if we break up with someone, then we are hurting our partner and it's our fault. We can't win.

I, personally, don't like relationships not because of fear of abandonment, but because I get tired belittled. There's only so much you take. It's better to be alone than to be with someone who blames you for everything because you have BPD. I take responsibility for my share, I expect my partner to do the same. Takes two to tango (i.e. BPD people aren't arguing with themselves).

Another thing that bothers me to no end is "self diagnosing" BPD. I hate when people self diagnose or "diagnose" a friend, partner, or family member with BPD because of their behavior. Only a psychiatrist can/should diagnose BPD. It gives people with BPD a bad name when people "self diagnose" themselves and/or others to try and explain behaviors. They may or may not have BPD, but people who don't know what BPD is will see that and get a nasty picture of people with BPD.

I feel like some people make a mockery out of BPD. It's a serious mental illness. But, that being said, we have a lot of great qualities about us. I am smart, open minded, passionate (that extreme passion/feeling, if used for the good, can be great. I am learning to use it for the better and I tend to be more motivated and keep trying because of that strong feeling), and motivated.

Quick story. When I was in nursing school and taking mental health/psych nursing, I had an instructor who very adamantly told the class to stay away from people with BPD. I have had mental health issues for a long time and when I was younger, it was suspected I had BPD. I was never diagnosed because I was a kid. But, there was the suspicion right along. So, when my instructor, who is a nurse, told the class that, my heart sank and it shook me the core. Of course, many years later after other diagnoses that seemed to change every time I saw a different psychiatrist, I was finally given the BPD diagnosis.

I eventually got to the point where I just told people who wanted/needed to know that I had a "mental illness". Nothing more, nothing less. When they asked what I had, I was honest and told them...followed by "you can run now". The stigma against this illness is strong. I just expected people who knew what it was to run away from me. I got to the point where I didn't care if they did. Then, after reading and hearing many negative comments, I actually became afraid of people to a degree. Like I said, I would rather be alone. Not for fear of attachment, but because I don't want to be continuously painted in a negative way because of anything and everything I do. Sometimes when you are constantly exposed to that, you begin to believe it.

I am happy alone. I think positive thoughts about myself when I am alone. My psychiatrist tells me that I can't avoid people forever, that I will eventually need relationships. I don't know. I want to take things slow. If it doesn't feel right, then I would rather be alone.

Just some perspective from a person with BPD. Any thoughts (no personal attacks, please), comments, questions?

1 Votes
Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

I feel for you, WML. I don't have BPD, but I salute you for bringing it out into the open because that is the only way that mental illness and its sufferers will ever be taken seriously. Just like depression a few years back, and bipolar disorder more recently, the public has come to recognize that these conditions affect real people, and they are becoming less stigmatized. Eventually, the same thing will happen for people with borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, and other "serious" psychiatric issues, and patients will receive more compassion and better treatment than they do today.

FWIW, I think "borderline personality disorder" is a terrible label to put on somebody---it makes it seem as though sufferers themselves are at fault. Like if they'd just change their attitude, they'd be OK. That's exactly what used to be said routinely about people with depression and bipolar (and in fact still is said sometimes by those who lack understanding), and it's all BS. Don't they know that if we COULD change the fact that we have a mental illness, we WOULD? It's as if they believe that we choose to have these conditions...but then, that's a "whole 'nother" soapbox I'm not going to climb on top of right now.:no:

1 Votes

Lots of people don't get that BPD occurs on a continuum, like most other illnesses (psychiatric or physical). You can be a "little bit" BPD or full-blown, out of control BPD, or anything in between. Just like someone can be a little depressed, or severely depressed (or anything in between), or have a mild case of pneumonia or a severe case (etc., etc., etc. ...). Unfortunately, it is the people with the full-blown versions of the disorder and little effort at pursuing treatment, creating chaos in the lives of everyone around them, that get all the attention and all the (bad) press. I've known plenty of individuals over the years (and have had a few as therapy clients) who worked hard to be as (mentally) healthly as they could and had their symptoms in pretty good control, and someone meeting them casually/socially would never even suspect they had any issues. It's not an easy road to walk -- best wishes!

1 Votes

Thanks, Viva and elk. Yeah, my therapist thinks I have mild BPD, if I have BPD at all. She isn't really seeing it and I have had a couple other psychiatrists that say they aren't seeing anything wrong with me. But, I go with the flow and I am in the situation that I am in. If I have to be in this position and have it posted online, then I will be open about it and deal with it on my own terms. I am learning to be open about it and educate people who don't know (make sure to tell them it is a spectrum, not just this full blown attack). Many of the people who do know what it is think it is a bull feces diagnosis. But, I am going to use this as an opportunity to educate and advocate.

One of my concerns is that there's a lot of misdiagnosis and subsequent discrimination/railroading. I have spoken with many people and when I am open about it, they actually disclose to me that they were given this diagnosis (of course, this is in confidence once I have disclosed.) If it is true (as opposed to trying to make me feel better), then something's not right. Statistically, BPD is only in 1-2% of the population. How is it that I am coming across quite a few people with BPD? Like a lot, not just a hand full. At what point do you have to say that these emotions are normal if that many people have it? Then, it becomes the norm vs mental illness/abnormal...

I've been with a partner with BDP. He would be very irritable when under stress and would pick fights with me and be verbally vicious. Then would later on tell me that 'it takes two to tango' and 'I don't argue with myself' when I was just simply standing my ground. So I think 'it takes two to argue' does to apply to the situation with him. Under no circumstances should one verbally attack their partners. Unless I agreed to be a doormat, the only way was to walk away and let him figure it out himself.

BPD shows more in close relationships. Iv done a lot of research on the subject. The thing with it is there are a lot of subconscious defense mechanisms that come into play along with some disassociation. Their memories of things will change. They will see or interpret things differently. So just going by what someone with bpd says a therapist may not see it. It takes accounts from other's too sometimes. That's why you get bpd's who don't see why people see them so negatively. They interpret what happened differently than the person ever effected.

I am glad you are talking about mental disorders. A lot of people are scared to even devolve that they even have one in fear of being talked about. It was hard for me to tell my fellow nurses that I was bi-polar in fear that I would be alienated. But that was not the case. They hugged me when I was having a bad day. Made me aware when I was on a high. Supported me through highs and lows. I had a special co-workers. I was not ashamed after a while to have a mental disorder. It was part of me and made me a special unique person. So where ever I go, I talk about mental disorders and the more you talk about it, the more normal it becomes.

1 Votes
Specializes in PMHNP-BC.

I'm not intending to judge or diagnose you, but are you sure you don't mean Bipolar disorder? No offense but you don't really sound borderline at all.

Hi Tokumoshi, yes I mean mood disorder, Bipolar disorder. I did not know I had to be so specific. How do you know how a borderline sound like? Lol. Do we make a certain noise? I guess my meds are working. Talk to me when you are perfect.

Specializes in PMHNP-BC.

I want to be clear that while I'm certainly far from perfect, it would be wise to inform you that borderline personality disorder is not a mood disorder, although mood disturbances and swings can be part of it. It is quite different from bipolar disorder. I apologize if I offended you. Good luck to you.

I have borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. It's very difficult to deal with. I am so sorry that instructor said that. Some people just don't understand. :(

Specializes in 911 critical care ambulance nurse.

I was hospitalized in a psych unit for 6 weeks in 1980 at age 19 for what turned out to be depression, uncontrolled anxiety, and questionable psych illness. My MMPI was a mess. It showed a little bipolar, a little borderline personality disorder, and strong narcissism. The doctor put me on 23 meds, which made me into a zombie. My parents finally talked me into checking out of that place and going to outpatient treatment. Fast forward five years and my former psych doc was in prison and his clinic closed for ethics issues. My strong psych issues were gone or minimized with maturity and my depression and anxiety was under control. In 1991, I went to nursing school. I had a rotation on the psych unit where I was hospitalized. The head nurse kept looking at me and finally said, "You look familiar." I blew her off. Fast forward to 2006. New doctor and proper testing showed I had ADHD and Asperger's. The MMPI showed normality. My depression and anxiety reared up every now and then, but only when I got into certain situations. Now, I've been a nurse for 25 years and just retired from being a 911 EMS ambulance nurse. All the crap that others label you as is no one's business as long as you can do your nursing job just fine. Borderline personality disorder doesn't rule out nursing as your career choice. I've work on units with nurses with schizophrenia, bipolar, severe depression, and just about everything else. They were all fine nurses.

+ Add a Comment