Needing some advice or encouragement

Twoyearnurse · Jan 4, 2015

Consistency over time equals trust. There is really nothing you can do to help him other than continue with your recovery, reminding yourself to be patient with him. Is there no al-anon in your area? It's the same deal, and will teach him to work on himself.

In the scheme of things 10 months isn't that long. Be patient with yourself and him. You're lucky because you have a program to teach you to let your past go, he doesn't. And it sounds like he has no guidance on how he should proceed. If you do have al-anon I would suggest he goes there. He may not be ready for that though. Keep up the good work!

Red Kryptonite · Jan 4, 2015

As Dr. Phil has said many a time when someone asks how long they have to keep trying to reassure a betrayed spouse, "Until." There's no time frame. I agree he should probably talk to someone or do Al-Anon, but you can't force that.

My husband and I went through something similar several years ago. No substances, but I was lying to him about how I was managing money and hiding mounting debt from him, until I couldn't. He started getting collection calls at work....it was ugly. He acted much like if I had cheated on him, and honestly, the level of dishonesty I was engaging in was similar. We never had to use a counselor and we went through some horrible times for a few months, but as I showed my efforts to be more open and actively include him in what was going on with our checking account, savings, credit cards, mortgage, etc. the wall started to come down. It took us a couple of YEARS to get our relationship as husband and wife back to where it should be. Every now and then I still get a sideways remark or he'll act weird about it if there's a cash stash we're saving for something. Sometimes I get upset but most of the time I let it go. It sucks but I earned it.

You're in for a long haul, but you can get there. Best wishes.

Edit: one last thought - he's still there even after all the crap. He must think you're worth the fight. Take comfort and have faith in that.

willow14 · Jan 4, 2015

Thanks to you (and also twoyearnurse) for your responses.....I was hoping that I was not sounding too harsh or selfish about my attitude towards him. As I said earlier, I want to think that I understand the gravity of what I did, but who knows. I will do my best to take this one day at a time and to remember the positive things. :)

B52, ADN, BSN, MSN, RN · Jan 5, 2015

It seems as if your husband, like many people, doesn't quite realize that addiction is a disease that stems from genetic and environmental factors. The Narcotics Anonymous book might be helpful. As for returning to nursing, you should apply at drug rehab centers. Many of them believe in second chances. I work at a drug rehab center and many of the employees are in recovery.

Anbo3882 · Jan 6, 2015

My mother was narc addicted all of my childhood and most of my adult life. She did some horrible, unspeakable things because of it. I had resentment towards her and am only now starting to get over it. It takes time and you must continue to prove that you can be trusted. He will eventually trust you again. But that decision is on his time not yours and you have to respect that. The feelings that he feels are valid and he may not realize that he needs treatment to in order to accept and move on from those feelings. I wish you well in your recovery.

Gooselady, BSN, RN · Jan 7, 2015

From inside your excellent recovery (congrats on that), YOU see the situation that you created in your personal way.

He sees this from OUTSIDE this whole process, a person who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, an innocent bystander, etc and so on. That's part of the betrayal. When all this happened, it hit him like a ton of bricks. His world cracked down the middle and he's had to work through a LOT. A lot. When you look at it from his perspective, and you're really really honest with yourself, um . . . wow.

The ONLY reason I went into such detail is so you can find more patience for him :) Don't you dare beat yourself up with this lol, the point is understanding and patience for HIM. Don't make this about you.

That he hasn't already left you makes him sound like he's gonna stick it through with you (IMO). Why else would he bother getting irritable with you instead of leaving a long time ago? Love him through it. Don't permit any abuse, but maybe tolerate his lack of 'progress' with understanding so it doesn't feel so dang PERSONAL. Just an idea.

sallyrnrrt, ADN, RN · Jan 8, 2015

alanon teaches the same recovery for the spouse

LilRedRN1973 · Jan 8, 2015

One of the most beneficial things that ever happened between my husband and I was to attend open AA meetings together. Particularly our local Friday night speaker meeting. It was our "date night". We would have coffee before then hit the meeting. It helped him understand that others had the same thinking and behavior that I did. He started to see I was not a "terrible" person per se and that there were others just like me. His understanding of the disease process grew and he became incredibly supportive. Because of my actions with the pill use, we lost the first home we ever bought together and he had to file bankruptcy. But we moved through it and here we are, about to celebrate 13 years of marriage (I cleaned up my act in 2008).

Hang in there; 10 months is not very long at all and it make take some time for him to trust and have hope again.

willow14 · Jan 9, 2015

Thank you all for your kind words and your honesty....it really helped me put this into perspective A LOT. I realize now that I was making it " about me".....which wasn't good and it wasn't my intention.....one of those character defects I REALLY need to work on. I'm not being myself up over this, but I again thank you all for reminding me to be patient and to try and see it from his perspective. It's what I needed to hear :)