Brother busted again DUI..help with anxiety

Nurses Recovery

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Hi everyone- thanks for starting this thread-

I hope some of you with the combined wisdom of Nursing & sobriety can help me out!

My brother is an alcoholic (one of many both active and recovered in my family) just got his second DUI this week. Had a crash - no one hurt - Lost his license, car is totaled, will probably lose his job since he had to drive a lot.

I've been around alcoholics all my life. My Dad got sober when I was a teenager - that was an amazing thing to experience. I have three brothers who are alcoholics (one recovered, 2 active). I do pretty well most of the time - keeping the focus on my own problems, on the things I can change. I've gone to AlAnon for years. I work my program.

When I talk to him, I know I can't harp on his drinking, or enable him by "helping "out" in any way.

It's just so HARD to live with the fact that : he will die of this disease, or he will hurt, maim, paralyze, kill another person or himself while driving. It is just next to impossible to accept these possibilities. And yet I have to because that is the reality.

So, as the sister/daughter of alcoholics I just have these moments of tremendous anxiety, fear, and sadness...and it is hard to handle.

But literally what do I say to him?

Let him know I love him and that I hope he gets sober now.

OK.

And then what? Just talk about the weather? The election? The movies? It all just seems so stupid. Yet I want to maintain a warm relationship with him.

I love him so much - we have so many terrific memories together and he is a gentle and sweet soul.

His alcoholism is always right there - big 'ol elephant - and sometimes I am just so p.o.'d that I have to cope with alcoholism/alcoholics that I just want to isolate myself...

I'm re-reading this - I know it sounds kinda lame and vague!

*sigh*

But it's good to put it out there...

any thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

Thanks -K

Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

It is SO hard to deal with a loved one's choices when it is so obvious to those around them that they are destroying themselves.

My husband's brother, whom we obviously love and care about, is a chronic binge drinker. Several DUIs, in & out of prison as well. It has been difficult to watch him too.

I feel your pain.

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I have an uncle and cousins who died from ETOH abuse and Meth. I will grieve their loss forever. I pray that you can stay strong and that your brother can find peace through a program.

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Specializes in Gyn Onc, OB, L&D, HH/Hospice/Palliative.

My brother just did it again, another arrest for DUI,reckless driving, driving under suspension, this while OUT ON BAIL for his previous DUI,which THAT one was while out on parole(for uuuhhh, gee could it be DUI???)!!! I can't even keep the facts straight anymore, now he's in with no bail and God knows how long-- YEARS I'm sure, I'M JUST SPEECHLESS,I mean I understand the addiction/relapse but WHY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL???

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Specializes in ED.

" I'M JUST SPEECHLESS,I mean I understand the addiction/relapse but WHY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL???"

Arrrgggggh. It is just an endless round of anger and frustration when they are actively using.

It isn't worth trying to figure out why they think irrationally. It is the addict. They don't actually think normally. They can't. They have altered their brains...

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

It really can drive us loved ones cuckoo. I've found a lot of relief through AlAnon and education. But still I get overwhelmed with pain and anxiety sometimes...

...with you in spirit! hang in there and take care of YOURSELF!!

Peace,

K.

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Specializes in Alzheimer's, Geriatrics, Chem. Dep..
...

It's just so HARD to live with the fact that : he will die of this disease, or he will hurt, maim, paralyze, kill another person or himself while driving. It is just next to impossible to accept these possibilities. And yet I have to because that is the reality.

My bro almost died this past summer from wet-brain (alcohol poisoning essentially), he has some permanent brain damage. We didn't think he was going to make it this time. But he did - and when he was ready to go home, even tho he was not quite with it, they had to let him go. And we had no say in his care. He calls me occasionally, but he knows not to call when he is using/drinking. I have removed myself emotionally pretty much - love him to pieces but there is nothing I can do to change him.

I am sober since 1985 and there are other family members too - he and I and one other brother have bipolar as well. It's - um - interesting. Lots of years of Alanon and then surrendering my life to Jesus have given me a lot of peace about it. But it still hurts to know that probably I will get that phone call. And he is only 47.

xo

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Specializes in IM/Critical Care/Cardiology.
" I'M JUST SPEECHLESS,I mean I understand the addiction/relapse but WHY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL???"

Arrrgggggh. It is just an endless round of anger and frustration when they are actively using.

It isn't worth trying to figure out why they think irrationally. It is the addict. They don't actually think normally. They can't. They have altered their brains...

Sorry you're having to deal with this.

It really can drive us loved ones cuckoo. I've found a lot of relief through AlAnon and education. But still I get overwhelmed with pain and anxiety sometimes...

...with you in spirit! hang in there and take care of YOURSELF!!

Peace,

K.

I've often wondered over and over again the why's. When an addicted person is using or an alcoholic is drinking I've just kept remembering it's complete insanity in their lives. Which at times still makes my own life feel the insanity, but then I recoginze it, the ongoing insanity that creeps into our world as we love our family members. I too have a brother with a sweet heart and immediately related to that statement. He is an abusive alcoholic as well. As for my mom, dying, drank her life away, I'll always remember the times I went through to just try to understand her, and in that process I started understanding me.

Sharona

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The best thing to do is to pray for your family member who has the addiction. Don't be a crutch for that person either, or they will ALWAYS run to you when they hit rock bottom. Tough love and prayer helped me with this situation. You can talk to them, but when you hear yourself being "redundant" year after year after year, you just have to step back and realize that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, even if it is your family. Support them emotionally, not finacially, spiritually if possible.

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