Brother busted again DUI..help with anxiety - page 2

by Armygirl7

2,364 Visits | 18 Comments

Hi everyone- thanks for starting this thread- I hope some of you with the combined wisdom of Nursing & sobriety can help me out! My brother is an alcoholic (one of many both active and recovered in my family) just got his... Read More


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    I too echo the words to stay strong. I have one brother (currently in his mid 30's) who had been horribly into drugs a couple years ago, lost everything (money, belongings, house, wife and family, and promising career), went to jail, began AA and NA, came out and made a complete turn around...he has been regaining much of what he lost. Family used tough love with him. He has done good. I have another brother who has went down that same path and has lived it much of his life. He is now in prison (not his first time), will be 40 this year, and will be out in April. The problem with this brother is that he is a Hoodie (lives and speaks it) and so are a couple of his own kids...the culture prescribes to disrespect of others, drugs and alcohol, theft, and violence...a criminal mentality. It saddens me...but this is the path he chooses. It is also up to him, like my other brother, to choose new paths. I would like to see my other brother sponsor him...because he has been there. Also, both can BS or con with the best. This is another reason why I would like to see my other brother sponsor him....because as the saying goes, "you can't BS a BSer or con a con"...my brother could call him on it when needed. My current brother in prison knows that I love him, we say it in greeting or in parting...and mean it. We hug as well during those times. But, he also knows that this brother, Thunderwolf, does not put up with it, condone it, or want any part of it. When he is in jail/prison, I will not write or contact him...a consequence. Prison letters, like a thousand "I'm sorrys", mean little between us...for he knows he placed himself there, no one else. He knows better than to attempt to manipulate the Wolfie...find another person to con if he must...but not this brother. I do not believe in coddling my brother when he misbehaves like this. For the most part, my brother respects that and abides to it. We are brothers of two separate paths. We do have great love for each other, but we indeed keep our lives separate. Tis sad in a way, I know. But, I do hold out hope for him...maybe one day, maybe when he is 40, or 45, or 50, or 55, or 60...he will become a different man, a different father to his kids, and/or a different brother. He is an adult, not a child. There is nothing codependent in our relationship. A man needs to gain his self respect by his own actions...for he will never gain it if rescued ongoingly by another. I continue to have hope, but will continue to move onward until that time.

    My hugs to you. I totally empathize...been there. A family member can bring you either some of the best joys or some of the worst sorrows. You are still family...but even in that, you continue to be your own person.
    sharona97, Elvish, and Armygirl7 like this.
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    Thanks so much to everyone who has replied.

    It really is a comfort to know that I am not alone in dealing with this stuff - I mean I KNOW I'M NOT ALONE but its amazing how isolated I can get when I start worrying and feeling frightened about my brothers.

    It is as Grumpy-RN said "a hard line to tow."

    I am just so tired of this "family," MY family!!!! And I deal with it probably the most rationally of everyone - I'm the only one actively going to AlAnon and actively checking myself for Co-dependent behavior. My mother can't see why my brothers aren't just "using the example of their father" who got sober at 45. But my father was the first to tell me "never compare" everyone's story is unique and everyone comes to sobriety in their own moment of final crisis. One oerson's "hitting bottom" could be just the beginning for another person.

    T-WOLF what an example of that your brothers' story is. One sober, and one still using and incarcerated. Wow. You seem pretty level in your thinking. That's one thing I'm grateful for - that I am not the addict!! When I tally up the whole of my problems INCLUDING having to deal with the alcoholics in my life I am so grateful that I am not in the hell they are in.

    I really appreciate everyone's insight- more tips and advice still welcome!

    I salute you all for dealing with these tough stuff. Wishing Peace of Mind to all----
    K.
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    It is SO hard to deal with a loved one's choices when it is so obvious to those around them that they are destroying themselves.

    My husband's brother, whom we obviously love and care about, is a chronic binge drinker. Several DUIs, in & out of prison as well. It has been difficult to watch him too.

    I feel your pain.
    sharona97 and Armygirl7 like this.
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    I have an uncle and cousins who died from ETOH abuse and Meth. I will grieve their loss forever. I pray that you can stay strong and that your brother can find peace through a program.
    sharona97 and Armygirl7 like this.
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    My brother just did it again, another arrest for DUI,reckless driving, driving under suspension, this while OUT ON BAIL for his previous DUI,which THAT one was while out on parole(for uuuhhh, gee could it be DUI???)!!! I can't even keep the facts straight anymore, now he's in with no bail and God knows how long-- YEARS I'm sure, I'M JUST SPEECHLESS,I mean I understand the addiction/relapse but WHY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL???
    Armygirl7 likes this.
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    " I'M JUST SPEECHLESS,I mean I understand the addiction/relapse but WHY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL???"[/QUOTE]

    Arrrgggggh. It is just an endless round of anger and frustration when they are actively using.

    It isn't worth trying to figure out why they think irrationally. It is the addict. They don't actually think normally. They can't. They have altered their brains...
    Sorry you're having to deal with this.

    It really can drive us loved ones cuckoo. I've found a lot of relief through AlAnon and education. But still I get overwhelmed with pain and anxiety sometimes...

    ...with you in spirit! hang in there and take care of YOURSELF!!
    Peace,
    K.
    GrumpyRN63 and sharona97 like this.
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    Quote from Armygirl7
    ...
    It's just so HARD to live with the fact that : he will die of this disease, or he will hurt, maim, paralyze, kill another person or himself while driving. It is just next to impossible to accept these possibilities. And yet I have to because that is the reality.

    My bro almost died this past summer from wet-brain (alcohol poisoning essentially), he has some permanent brain damage. We didn't think he was going to make it this time. But he did - and when he was ready to go home, even tho he was not quite with it, they had to let him go. And we had no say in his care. He calls me occasionally, but he knows not to call when he is using/drinking. I have removed myself emotionally pretty much - love him to pieces but there is nothing I can do to change him.

    I am sober since 1985 and there are other family members too - he and I and one other brother have bipolar as well. It's - um - interesting. Lots of years of Alanon and then surrendering my life to Jesus have given me a lot of peace about it. But it still hurts to know that probably I will get that phone call. And he is only 47.

    xo
    Armygirl7 and sharona97 like this.
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    Quote from Armygirl7
    " I'M JUST SPEECHLESS,I mean I understand the addiction/relapse but WHY GET BEHIND THE WHEEL???"
    Arrrgggggh. It is just an endless round of anger and frustration when they are actively using.

    It isn't worth trying to figure out why they think irrationally. It is the addict. They don't actually think normally. They can't. They have altered their brains...
    Sorry you're having to deal with this.

    It really can drive us loved ones cuckoo. I've found a lot of relief through AlAnon and education. But still I get overwhelmed with pain and anxiety sometimes...

    ...with you in spirit! hang in there and take care of YOURSELF!!
    Peace,
    K.[/QUOTE]

    I've often wondered over and over again the why's. When an addicted person is using or an alcoholic is drinking I've just kept remembering it's complete insanity in their lives. Which at times still makes my own life feel the insanity, but then I recoginze it, the ongoing insanity that creeps into our world as we love our family members. I too have a brother with a sweet heart and immediately related to that statement. He is an abusive alcoholic as well. As for my mom, dying, drank her life away, I'll always remember the times I went through to just try to understand her, and in that process I started understanding me.

    Sharona
    Armygirl7 likes this.
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    The best thing to do is to pray for your family member who has the addiction. Don't be a crutch for that person either, or they will ALWAYS run to you when they hit rock bottom. Tough love and prayer helped me with this situation. You can talk to them, but when you hear yourself being "redundant" year after year after year, you just have to step back and realize that you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves, even if it is your family. Support them emotionally, not finacially, spiritually if possible.
    Armygirl7 likes this.


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