Things you'd LOVE to be able to tell patients, and get away with it.

[AngelfireRN]

Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

[grace90, LPN, LVN]

If you don't start taking care of your chronic conditions instead of being the frequent DKA flyer that you are, we'll see you eventually lose one foot, then the other, then your site, and then we'll treat your MI and you'll die.

[BrokenRNheart]

AngelfireRN said:

Just curious as to what you would say. Mine goes something like this:

Hi, my name is AngelfireRN, I'll be your nurse tonight.

I am not a waitress, nor am I your slave.

Yelling and hurling obscenities at me will not get you your pain meds any sooner than they are ordered. Nor will having your family member or entourage do the same.

Threatening lawsuits and having umpteen family members camp out in the halls or hold up the nurse's station will not get you preferential treatment.

Physically grabbing me as I go down the hall is NOT a good idea.

I do not give the orders, but I do have to follow/enforce them. This is something that you should take up with your doctor.

No, I will not call him again to ask him for more pain medicine. He has been called twice and has said no both times.

No, I will not give you his number so you can "straighten him out".

No, you are not my only patient, and I highly doubt that you are single-handedly paying my salary. On the off chance that you are, let's talk about a raise.

NO, NO, NO, I most empahatically will NOT come get you when it is time for your next pain shot while you are having a smoke break. I also will not bring it to you in the smoking room. (Have actually said that, I am allergic to cigarettes. I did it once, had an asthma attack, desatted to 83, and turned blue, according to the patient and my charge nurse, after the patient had to help me back to the floor).

No, I don't really care if your family has not eaten all day, they drove here by themselves, they are not sick, and no, I will not call for 6 guest trays. (This of course, is if the patient in question does not need all 6 family members present, and is not at death's door).

No, you may not have 3 six-packs of soda from the kitchen, there are other people that would like a snack, too.

No, they will not open up the kitchen up just for you, at 1 in the morning, because you don't like the snacks we have on the floor.

I could think of hundreds, but those will do for a start. I know it sounds mean, but this is why I got out of bedside nursing. When a hospital becomes the Hilton, I'm gone!

Have fun!

I love it!

And how about...

"Please do not stand in the doorway of my other patients room panting while I am in there giving care because you need a glass of water or a blanket. I am tending to this patient right now and if you would go back and put your call light on one of our customer service reps will be with you when they have TIME."

Looks like we should establish our own scripting.

Love the post!

[BrokenRNheart]

And another...

"This is not a one stop shopping zone. No we will not address the hang nail, the little pain in your finger that has come and gone for years and all the other little issues that you have not taken the time to see your doctor for. You are here for renal failure, an MI, non-compliance with diabetes, complications from obesity, a bowel obstruction from 300 mg of MSContin TID and that is what we are treating. You are more than welcome to follow up with your primary care physician about your list of minor complaints when you are discharged."

Another...

"I'm sorry but I don't have any secret ways to lift your bed-bound 500lb family member out of bed 100 times a day when they don't bother moving at home. As a matter of fact, you would be more than welcome to bring your techniques in and continue with whatever you were doing about this at home so that I can tend to the patients who really want to get better and go home and live a quality life."

and...

"I'm sorry, but I am not trained to trim the 3 inch by 3 inch toenails that you have not done anything about for 3 years and I do not think this is such a critical issue that we need to rush a foot specialist in to deal with this when you have come in for a bowel obstruction."

and....

"Sorry, but I have lost the ability to be compassionate about your minor little pain that you need maximum doses of IV dilaudid q2hrs for what you are rating as a "10" in pain and is probably more like a "2" in all reality and I suffer from more pain in a day than you have probably experienced in a life as I take care of and lift patients that can move but won't and I do it without pain meds and no one is going to take care of me when I can't move."

and...

"How do you get up out of bed at home? Who pulls you up in the bed at home? Do you have a bed at home that you can raise the head up on? Seems if you don't at home, you might want to keep it flat here so you quit sliding down. That way I won't have to pull 2-4 or more people from their work to pull you up. Sound fair?"

and...

"I don't think it is a good idea to start doing sit-ups now considering the fact that it appears as if you have never done them. How about rolling over on your side and going up sideways to get up to that sitting position by yourself. I can see that you haven't had much training in how to go from a lying position to a sitting position. You must not get out of bed much at home."

As a matter of fact, I am thinking that we need to revise the rights and responsibilities to...

You do not have the right to ask staff to injure themselves doing activities that you did not do at home and will not do when you are discharged.

You have the responsibility to get up out of bed (if you can stand) and step towards the head of the bed to reposition yourself. Or you can slide yourself up.

It is your responsibility to know that you need to do as much for yourself as you are capable of doing. Staff should not reach for your water, put the straw in the cup, open your splenda or reposition you in bed when you can do it yourself. Being in the hospital does not mean that you are helpless.

I have seen very sick patients do more for themselves than people who actually can. Because we are nurses we can't speak the truth. Customer service means to break your back with a smile and at all costs, remember to tell the customer that you have the time and are superhuman and can do anything.....that's what the intials "RN" mean at the end of my signature.

Hmmmm, love the topic, but I think my PTSD is coming through here.

[BrokenRNheart]

flychick08 said:

I had an 18 year old once who needed an IV. He had tatoos and piercings EVERYWHERE and freaked out when I told him I needed to put an INT in him. I asked him why he was scared when obviously he'd been exposed to needles multiple times in the past. He said that was different. I said (probably shouldn't have) yes, this time would be different....My needles were sterile and this time he was sober. He quieted down pretty quick after that:smackingf

:rotfl::rotfl:

IVDA's that cry and curl up in a ball from a blood draw, IV start or I'm injection....."can't you do that in my IV??"

[BrokenRNheart]

""I don't care if you reported the RN, the Charge Nurse, the aide that you didn't like, and the doctor to the unit director. You're not pulling that I'm going to report you crapola with me. Go ahead. I double dog dare you.""

Ya, go ahead, keep complaining and firing all the staff that has tried to take care of your miserable self. At this point, there is no one left on the floor to take care of you, I doubt management is going to hire someone just for your care today and nobody really likes you either. Don't know if you've noticed, but no one wants to come in and be attacked by you or get fired for trying to help you."

[BrokenRNheart]

Bedbound - obese - ex-cop:

Your (specific pain pill) in this hospital doesn't work for me. I always get 4 mg of dilauded every 2 hours when I am here. I've been doing it for 10 years....won't mention other "risk factors."

Extremely edematous and in renal failure.

Speechless.....nothing that can be said. Why waste breath on that.

Patient wants to go AMA:

"I certainly understand and don't blame you one bit. As a matter of fact no one will pass judgment on you if you do (because we have already passed judgment and would actually start appreciating you if you DID leave) - here, let me get you the paper and you can use my pen."

and...

"No, the doctor won't fill your prescriptions before you leave AMA."

[MIA-RN]

I hope the doritoes you are eating are yummy. Here are your discharge instructions and the prescription for antibiotics to fight the strep throat that we just diagnosed. Please sign on the line. Oh you don't have a pen? Yes here is mine...no wait, you really don't need to lick off all your fingers to clean them before using my pen. No wait...really, you can keep the pen. No, really, I have another one. Please, keep the pen dear. Its my favorite drug-rep pen but yeah....I have another one that is not covered in saliva, doritoes and strep.

[MIA-RN]

another one I forgot---please remember to hit your call light after you rip out your IV and as you are leaving AMA down the back hallway; it saves me trouble later when I try to find you.

[missnurse1]

To the patient that says, "you guys must not have much to do at night." Yep... busted we just get drunk and dance all night. Thats why there are so many people on the waiting list to work nights.

To the patient that says a 4am: "You look tired." "Its 4AM!!! Aren't you tired? You should be, you haven't slept for more than 5 minutes at a time...Your call light told me.

To the patient that becomes upset at midnight when it's time to check your bloodpressure and states, "I don't get woken up at home at midnight to check my bloodpressure." Guess What... Your not at home, your in the hospital and I highly doubt you would be on a cardizem drip at home either so if there is some sort of problem please take it up with the big man in the white coat that put you on this drug in the first place, maybe theres something he can do about it.

And to the crazy family that I had today that figured out that the RN was a great outlet to constantly abuse eachother with their "my sisters not all there, call me first" and "If my brother tells you to call him first tell me, he's wacky." Well, first off... Your both nuttier than squirrel turds and my name badge reads RN not SHRINK! So please, step back and let me tend to your poor mother.

[nghtfltguy, BSN, RN]

this one has to be one of my fav's... and i HAVE used it and got away with it many times.... well... in the ER mostly to drunk or doped up pts when they are demanding on how they should recieve treatment..

" i am so sorry.... i did not know you had a degree in medicine*

it shuts em up almost every time...

sometimes it makes em mad.. and when it does...

i say... *hey dr. so-n-so, that is very unbecoming medical professional behavior.*

that gets em.... :)

[santhony44, MSN, RN, NP]

what part of "emergency" don't you understand??? (have i said this before?)

stop whining!! whining does not impress me, it does not make me feel sorry for you, it just annoys me!!

i'm sorry, but i left my crystal ball at home today. my magic wand is right there with it. i'm fresh out of pixie dust, too.

no, i don't know what that little white/green/pink/yellow pill you take for your blood pressure is called. do you have any clue how many different blood pressure pills there are? and no, i don't know how much this prescription will cost you.

if your child is 4 years old and has not had any immunizations since birth, you're going to get one of every injection your poor kid gets, too. (does not apply to people with legitimate reasons/objections or to those just returning from the remote jungles of new guinea).

if you tell your child "if you don't behave, i'll have them give you a shot," then bend over. i have a 3-inch 18 gauge needle with your name on it!

[BrokenRNheart]

OMG! I love this board. You all make me laugh. I just can't believe how many people have experienced or thought the same things I have.

I so needed this! This is too funny.

Is this an appropriate topic for a sticky?? Probably not!

I am going to have to start up a web page for all these funnies that will be titled how to be a good patient! Nursing from the eyes of the nurse!

Anyone want to put their 2 cents in?