How do you deal with passive aggression in nursing?

[Sensibility]

I have a charge nurse that is not out and out mean to me. Instead, her meanness is subtle. In my face, she smiles. But then she is constantly doing things that later I realize were done to be mean like giving another employee a slew of gifts on her birthday. That went right over my head until I realized this employee that received the gifts was being mean to me all of the sudden and I hadn't gotten even a card for my birthday. We have a bulletin board where we can put up nice comments about people. She has put comments up about the people who suck up to her but I noticed there isn't anything about me. Hmmm. Another subtle attack? She is amazing at being able to put me down every single time I work and make me feel inadequate in very subtle ways. I could go on and on here. I mean these things by themselves mean nothing but when you put them together, they are downright demeaning and disrespectful. To go the management seems stupid because how can I pinpoint the problem? She would say it was all innocent. I know others have seen in though. Has anyone out there found a way to deal with this that works?

[redhead_NURSE98!, ADN, BSN]

I cannot BELIEVE anyone would reference "workplace violence" when discussing this thread. Are you ******* SERIOUS? Now we're being bullied if the CHARGE NURSE gives someone else a birthday present?? My goodness.

[FMF Corpsman, MSN, RN]

IMO, Birthday parties, Baby showers, Wedding showers, etc. should be held after work at some off campus location, not in the break room. We aren't there to party, we are there to take care of patients, period. AND as far as the Kudo's board goes, there should be strict guidelines as to how and why someone's name is used on the board. No offense is meant here, but this is one of the main problems when it comes to working with a group of women. As I have said in other post here, I don't believe in political correctness, so I call a spade a spade and let the chips fall where they may. Many nurses tend to get rather cliquish and exclusive to the detriment of all others. If you aren't a part of that little group, to hell with you, you don't count. They will help each other do what needs to be done as far as their patients, charting, patient transfers, reports anything, but as far as helping someone else not in the group, sorry, too busy, I've got my own patients to worry about. I've seen it carried to the extreme as well. I was working as the House Supervisor and just happened to catch this in the wind about one of the Med-Surg floors. They were planning the units Christmas party and it was to be at a local Steak House, they had booked one of the back rooms, but the unit was having difficulty agreeing on certain aspects of the party. Part of them wanted to buy gifts that would later be donated to the Children's Home and the others wanted a regular gift exchange. They ended cancelling the party all together. What a group those folks were. It eventually tore the floor apart and they changed the unit structure from 3 shifts down to two 12 hours. Many transferred off the floor. These women, and they were all women, couldn't decide on anything and it was a shame. It used to be a decent place to work and everyone got along well. One or two new people got into the mix and everything went to hell. Within 6 months that floor was like walking into Afghanistan. You didn't know when to speak, or you would get torn to shreds. It was that treacherous. People that had been friends were suddenly no longer able to hold a civil conversation. AND, it was all around the new Charge Nurse. People swore she was a Saint, she looked like an Angel, her CV read like a who's who, but in person, she was the devil incarnate, and had the staff turned every which way and no one would admit it for some reason. A brief investigation determined the best course of action would be to... problem solved. Your problem's solution would be to rise above everything that is going on, do your job and ignore the politics of the hospital.

[Sensibility, BSN, RN]

Your problem's solution would be to rise above everything that is going on, do your job and ignore the politics of the hospital.

I appreciated this post. I had to work last night which is why I didn't respond. On purpose, I didn't share many pertinent details because I am always concerned that someone out there might be one of these colleagues. I don't want to give out so much information that they might say, OMG. But you explained very well how women can get together in an antagonistic clique, force the focus off of patient care, and leave others out of the clique. Young inexperienced nurses are easily sucked into the clan through gift giving, flattery, and just wanting to fit in especially when it is three full bags of gifts and a cake done in front of one of the people who will never be allowed into the clique and got zero for her birthday. I am not stupid and I'm not young. I have lived long enough to know how a gift can turn a young person to be your best friend. Do you think I care two straws about who gets gifts? I would never be offended at friends giving gift to friends. If someone is the friend of someone else, they are going to get together outside of work, give gifts on birthdays, and they might be invited to their wedding when someone else isn't. i could care less. The people who are nice to me have done that and I don't care.

Because I was happy to see her be celebrated on her birthday, I didn't even consider what had happened that day until nearly a month later when I realized that this young nurse who hasn't worked there more than a year and is not the best friend of the head nurse was starting to talk to me disrespectfully. And you're so right. Whatever our differences are, we need to put those aside and work together. We aren't there to be best friends. We need to support each other professionally and that is when I start getting concerned about this stuff. As I said, this has become a point of passive aggression coupled with gossip where my head nurse manipulates through these subtle things that when added up become very apparent and spill over into our unit and work ethic. And yes, she has treated me horribly professionally as well sometimes. Our unit is small. It is peds. It is like an ICU but a step down to it. Our parents are in rooms surrounding our nurse's station. She has manipulated some of the parents at times as well. This never happens when she isn't there. I mean the day shift head nurse even sees that this women gives new meaning to passive aggression but nobody knows how to handle it. She's a good nurse, which is why she got that position.

Some suggestions that have come up:

1. Transfer to a different shift or unit. I don't like that because I love my unit and I haven't done anything to deserve being transferred.

2. Write her up. Some people are highly offended at write ups and this could easily backfire.

3. Call her into the office with some of the leadership that are higher than her.

4. Or do as you suggest - nothing. Just do my job and hope this goes away at some point.

My only concern about doing nothing (which is what I've been doing for months) is that I can see this is escalating through these young nurses who are so easily manipulated to form judgments against me, which makes it very difficult to work with them. Plus, yelling nurse has been brought in to be in charge several times when others call in sick and when she comes, I can be sure that at some point in the night, she is going to raise her voice at me over nothing, snub me, and just generally be mean. If I say anything, I have to contend with more passive aggression.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

But you are letting yourself get sucked up into this vortex on your own. You are putting far too much emphasis on the politics of your job as opposed to your job. And with kids.....well, as you know they are the greatest psychics. If you are tense and upset, they will notice. So stop looking around. If young nurses are getting birthday gifts, good for them. They are-- I am sure--in a bucketload of debt from their student loans, perhaps can't get things on their own, whatever the reason, it is lovely that a young person be able to receive gifts. At my age, if I want something I buy it, and how lovely to receive something, but I would be slightly embarrased to get a bag of gifts for my birthday from co-workers. AND MY JOB IS NOT WHERE I FORM EVERLASTING FRIENDSHIPS. Throw yourself a b-day party with your friends and family. Don't go looking for personal validation at work. And I don't mean to sound harsh, but honestly, a transfer does not pertain to a punishment (ie: "I haven't done anything o deserve to be transferred") Nor writing up--what exactly? If it is bothersome to you, then suggest at the next staff meeting or have a meeting with HR regarding gift giving at work. Finally, don't project--assuming that behaviors that you find unbecoming (and did you ever think that the young nurses are just so overwhelmed that they are too stressed to chit chat?) will "escalate" into judgements? As a have said a billion times on here (perhaps ad nauseum) young people are so savvy. They have a completely different outlook on judgement than we did back in the day. Honestly. If you know that you are a good nurse, who cares who thinks or doesn't think you are a good person? That is for life outside of your job.

[Sensibility, BSN, RN]

But you are letting yourself get sucked up into this vortex on your own. You are putting far too much emphasis on the politics of your job as opposed to your job. And with kids.....well, as you know they are the greatest psychics. If you are tense and upset, they will notice. So stop looking around. If young nurses are getting birthday gifts, good for them. They are-- I am sure--in a bucketload of debt from their student loans, perhaps can't get things on their own, whatever the reason, it is lovely that a young person be able to receive gifts. At my age, if I want something I buy it, and how lovely to receive something, but I would be slightly embarrased to get a bag of gifts for my birthday from co-workers. AND MY JOB IS NOT WHERE I FORM EVERLASTING FRIENDSHIPS. Throw yourself a b-day party with your friends and family. Don't go looking for personal validation at work. And I don't mean to sound harsh, but honestly, a transfer does not pertain to a punishment (ie: "I haven't done anything o deserve to be transferred") Nor writing up--what exactly? If it is bothersome to you, then suggest at the next staff meeting or have a meeting with HR regarding gift giving at work. Finally, don't project--assuming that behaviors that you find unbecoming (and did you ever think that the young nurses are just so overwhelmed that they are too stressed to chit chat?) will "escalate" into judgements? As a have said a billion times on here (perhaps ad nauseum) young people are so savvy. They have a completely different outlook on judgement than we did back in the day. Honestly. If you know that you are a good nurse, who cares who thinks or doesn't think you are a good person? That is for life outside of your job.

I am wishing I hadn't mentioned the birthday gifts. They were irrelevant in terms of getting gifts. What I'm concerned about is the way I am being treated professionally. Did you know that a gift, flattery, and personal ambitions can cloud people's judgment? This wasn't about gifts. It was the way it was done that later made me think about how inappropriate it was AFTER this young lady started treating me differently. It is a very long drawn out story that I keep trying to explain even to our management concisely and guess how long of a letter concisely turns out to be? 6 pages. I just wanted some advice on passive aggression emulating from a leader. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you don't know what I'm talking about.

[Sensibility, BSN, RN]

yes, i've dealt with passive aggression all of my life -- my family roils with it. but i didn't see anything in the original post except that the original poster needs to grow up. it's not all about her. and everyone isn't going to like her. grow up, do your job and make friends outside the workplace.

ruby, i have read your posts in the past and trust me, you are the complete opposite of passive aggressive.

[Sensibility, BSN, RN]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I am done. Obviously, nobody has experienced this type of thing or has any answers. But I thank you for your rebukes and challenges. I will be sure not to say a thing about the birthday gifts, which clearly could lead anyone I talk to to the wrong conclusion. That helped.

[BrandonLPN, LPN]

Ruby, I have read your posts in the past and trust me, you are the complete opposite of passive aggressive.

Trust me, nursing needs a lot more nurses who are "the complete opposite" of passive aggressive.

[Kasandra]

If you feel like your younger colleague treats you differently, simply pull her aside and ask why you perceive tension between the two of you. There may very well be an issue that exists. You will not know until you do her the courtesy, and pay her the respect as a nursing colleague, to ask what is bothering her.

After assessing the situation for what it is, you may or may not be able to fix it. It could be that your personalities clash which cannot be fixed. However, you are expected to behave as a health professional at work. You must execute your nursing duties in the most objective way possible because the care that you give at the bedside depends on it.

One last thing: Out of all respect for you as a human being, I have not seen you own up to anything in all of these posts...still. Despite how other people give you advice meant to empower you, you still want to play the role of the "victim", casting fault on everyone around you but yourself. All that I am saying is to assess yourself, make changes to yourself, because that is what you have control over. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. It is only then that you will be truly empowered.

[Sensibility, BSN, RN]

One last thing: Out of all respect for you as a human being, I have not seen you own up to anything in all of these posts...still. Despite how other people give you advice meant to empower you, you still want to play the role of the "victim", casting fault on everyone around you but yourself. All that I am saying is to assess yourself, make changes to yourself, because that is what you have control over. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions. It is only then that you will be truly empowered.

Kasandra,

I grant you that I didn't do the best job explaining myself. I admit that. I don't want to do that because a) it would be too long and b) it would be too much information for this list. I sincerely was asking about passive aggression that again, if you aren't aware of this behavior and how it operates, can subtly attack professionally. It spills over into working together as a team, iow, which is why it has caused me concern and no other reason. Only I was trying to avoid that part of the story because I want to be discrete. People can do the same two actions. One is just innocent good kindness and the other that appears by all rights to be exactly like it is not. The reason I haven't owned up to any of these posts is because they were off on an unrelated tangent that had nothing to do with the subject. I was not offended by the gifts. I do not socialize with anyone outside of work and I am happy as can be to continue to be that way. Seriously.

[Kasandra]

Most, if not all, nurses have experienced passive aggressiveness because we work in a predominant female oriented specialty. Most women do not like any confrontation. Instead, they gossip, are passive aggressive, etc. Yes, I myself have had people simply not like me. I have had a few decide that I wasn't a "good" nurse which caused their clique to adopt the same opinion of me. I was a new grad out of school when I had to endure being asked what my normal lab values were in report (which I was on my own at the time), had people condemn me to my peers and management for not being able to stage a wound (although I could describe it well, and did so in report), etc. Real quick, I had to grow a thick skin. I used to get mad about how certain people treated me at work. There were a couple of times that I pulled people aside to ask what I could do better, some of the same people who did talk behind my back, who would say nothing to me. I was given no constructive feedback. The majority of the nurses, if not all, that I worked alongside with enjoyed working with me. I have always been safe with my patient care..and detailed. The conflict that I had at my first job was with some of the nurses on the opposite shift as me. They just did not like me and never did me the service or kindness of being any sort of mentor or supporter of myself. So, yes, I have endured passive aggressive nurses.

However, I have always went to work knowing that my patients are the priority. If I am not popular, per se, or liked by everyone (almost impossible in most cases), I can deal with that. Why or How? Those passive aggressive nurses made me just that much stronger. I hold my own as a nurse much better than I did in the beginning. I directly speak my mind regardless of whether someone will like what I have to say (although I have decided to be much wiser in choosing my battles). I know that I am a very good nurse and have a safe, effective nursing practice: I have seen so many of my patients get better, have received many hugs and compliments from them and even my nursing colleagues. Essentially, you take a negative and turn it into a positive.

[redhead_NURSE98!, ADN, BSN]

I suggest taking them aside and saying, "Are we gonna have a PROBLEM, me and you?" like Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher.