Confrontation with bullies at work place; need advice with next step

[lululucy]

Dear readers,

I'm a new grad, and have been working as a new nurse for early 5 months. I've heard a lot regarding "nurses eat their young" before I stepped a foot into this profession, however, I didn't quite comprehend the significant meaning behind it until I have personally experienced it at my work place.

She's one of my preceptors when I initially started working there. As a new grad, I anticipated a lot of support, a hand of guidance, and patience, however, after a period of time spending with her, sadly to say, she had successfully made my life miserable, and made me feel extremely unwelcome. At a point I even contemplated whether this is what nursing is about. I lost my eager passion for nursing. Initially, I would greet her with a hi and bye whenever I see, and her reaction to my greetings were very indifferent and sometimes she would just look at me and turned away. Ultimately, It made me feel very embarrassed in front of everyone, several times, I thought to myself, why am I so persistent with her? why am I so desperate to get her approval? Why am I let her put me down again, and again? For what?

So yesterday was the climax of this bullying business, or perhaps, put an end to my misery. First, I walked in on her gossiping about me with another co-worker in the nursing station. At that moment, I just looked at them both in disbelief. Secondly, what really ignited my untold emotions was with a patient's IV antibiotic. Another co-worker, let's name her B, whom I gave report to, also a close friend to hers, and her (A) were discussing that she discovered that there's very fluid backed up, about 5ml, in a 3g Unasyn bottle which was attached to the 100ml 0.9% sodium Chloride. Be mindful, I gave all my reports already, had to stay to hang another bag because another co-worker © was complaining that I should have done that during my shift, of course, I willingly agreed to change the IV bag. It was close to 8am in the morning, I was preparing to head back to the locker room, when I heard my name, I looked up it was nurse A calling for me to go to nurse B. They knew exactly what to do with the bag, but had me call the Pharmacy and bring it down to the Pharmacy department to have them show me how.

On my way down, I was so upset, tears were inevitably rolling down my cheeks. My nursing educator saw me. She told me that she heard a calling from God and saw me standing in a corner crying. I thank God that she saw me. After hearing what had happened, she furiously took me upstairs and called in each person for confrontation. My manager was there at the time of event. My former preceptor, nurse A, admitted that she was closed off to me, and it all started when she first precepted and perceived my attitude and action as not receptive to her teachings. I stood there shaking my head while listening to her complains. So my manager inquired when all of this was going on, how come as a senior nurse, especially a preceptor, she didn't express it to her when they had meetings together. In addition, she fabricated more lies about me not giving her full reports in the morning. I voiced myself and said it loud and clear in front of everyone that every time we sat down to give her reports, she's either not listening attentively and in the middle of giving reports, she would turn away to start conversing with another nurse, or snatching reports from my hand and telling me she knows the patient and need no more reports from me.

I've been thinking a lot. I don't know if I can still work on that unit anymore. I don't know if I should transfer to another unit, or apply to another hospital. I know distinctively that these nasty people are everywhere, but especially, since the confrontation and mediation took place, I'm not anticipating my work life to be any more easier or comfortable on that unit. Words will spread like feathers throughout the whole unit. I don't know how people will view me after this incident. Perhaps, using higher authority to report the "bullies"?

I feel lonelier than ever. It makes me dread going to work everyday. Please help!

Sincerely,

Your desperate fellow nurse

[PeaceonearthRN]

My Dear,

This sounds like my first job in a cardiac unit.

It must be an attitude that is allowed to permiate throughout

nursing, a 'right of passage' so to speak.

All I can say is 'bullying interferes with learning and 'they' all should

be fired. I wish I was their manager.

Do not let them interfere with your goals or career. Their behavior

is dispicable and they should NEVER be allowed to precept anyone but

especially a new, sincere grad.

God speed,

Dear readers,

I'm a new grad, and have been working as a new nurse for early 5 months. I've heard a lot regarding "nurses eat their young" before I stepped a foot into this profession, however, I didn't quite comprehend the significant meaning behind it until I have personally experienced it at my work place.

She's one of my preceptors when I initially started working there. As a new grad, I anticipated a lot of support, a hand of guidance, and patience, however, after a period of time spending with her, sadly to say, she had successfully made my life miserable, and made me feel extremely unwelcome. At a point I even contemplated whether this is what nursing is about. I lost my eager passion for nursing. Initially, I would greet her with a hi and bye whenever I see, and her reaction to my greetings were very indifferent and sometimes she would just look at me and turned away. Ultimately, It made me feel very embarrassed in front of everyone, several times, I thought to myself, why am I so persistent with her? why am I so desperate to get her approval? Why am I let her put me down again, and again? For what?

So yesterday was the climax of this bullying business, or perhaps, put an end to my misery. First, I walked in on her gossiping about me with another co-worker in the nursing station. At that moment, I just looked at them both in disbelief. Secondly, what really ignited my untold emotions was with a patient's IV antibiotic. Another co-worker, let's name her B, whom I gave report to, also a close friend to hers, and her (A) were discussing that she discovered that there's very fluid backed up, about 5ml, in a 3g Unasyn bottle which was attached to the 100ml 0.9% sodium Chloride. Be mindful, I gave all my reports already, had to stay to hang another bag because another co-worker © was complaining that I should have done that during my shift, of course, I willingly agreed to change the IV bag. It was close to 8am in the morning, I was preparing to head back to the locker room, when I heard my name, I looked up it was nurse A calling for me to go to nurse B. They knew exactly what to do with the bag, but had me call the Pharmacy and bring it down to the Pharmacy department to have them show me how.

On my way down, I was so upset, tears were inevitably rolling down my cheeks. My nursing educator saw me. She told me that she heard a calling from God and saw me standing in a corner crying. I thank God that she saw me. After hearing what had happened, she furiously took me upstairs and called in each person for confrontation. My manager was there at the time of event. My former preceptor, nurse A, admitted that she was closed off to me, and it all started when she first precepted and perceived my attitude and action as not receptive to her teachings. I stood there shaking my head while listening to her complains. So my manager inquired when all of this was going on, how come as a senior nurse, especially a preceptor, she didn't express it to her when they had meetings together. In addition, she fabricated more lies about me not giving her full reports in the morning. I voiced myself and said it loud and clear in front of everyone that every time we sat down to give her reports, she's either not listening attentively and in the middle of giving reports, she would turn away to start conversing with another nurse, or snatching reports from my hand and telling me she knows the patient and need no more reports from me.

I've been thinking a lot. I don't know if I can still work on that unit anymore. I don't know if I should transfer to another unit, or apply to another hospital. I know distinctively that these nasty people are everywhere, but especially, since the confrontation and mediation took place, I'm not anticipating my work life to be any more easier or comfortable on that unit. Words will spread like feathers throughout the whole unit. I don't know how people will view me after this incident. Perhaps, using higher authority to report the "bullies"?

I feel lonelier than ever. It makes me dread going to work everyday. Please help!

Sincerely,

Your desperate fellow nurse

[Overland1, RN]

Where I work the biggest bully is the person who runs the show. There is nothing to be done except stand together with the other staff and try not to let her get to us.

A moderate dollop of Surgilube on the earpiece of that person's phone works wonders.

Seriously, the development (and appropriate exhibition of) a thicker skin is required in this situation.

I recall when I started as a relatively new nurse in a new (to me) unit. One of the nurses there told me that I would be, "eaten alive."

My response was, "ooh, baby, ooh!" - she was a bit surprised, but those within earshot L'dOL. No problem after that, and we got along just fine.

[PeaceonearthRN]

Amen,

People need time to adjust to nursing. A lot of good, well- intended new grads start out this way... Dont let me catch you treating them with distain.. or I'll remind YOU where you came from.!

Now everybody knows, and cannot say that they don't. Go meet with your educator and your manager ALONE. There is no need to involve the bully. Say, "What can I do? I like this place, I wanted to work here and thought I'd like to stay for many years...." I feel that YOU (nurse manager/educator) are the only ones who I feel a professional relationship with, and can trust (could be a fib, but say it anyway).

Why do people attempt to keep bullies in the loop? The bully is dirt and needs to be treated as such by YOU AND YOUR MANAGMENT.

@Nurse managers: if you want not to be made the fool, you would take out any nurse who behaves this way. You won't get respect from me till you grow a pair.

[camoflower]

They get pharmacy to show you because they won't be able to do it "perfectly" you will see it so they get someone else to show you..PLEASE...don't shudder be brave. The "friends" on the floor have fought their fears of the lowly beast.

I have had many jobs in my life..never NEVER have I seen or witnessed such viciousness of some of these women in this profession.. God help them. You my dear will make a difference but you must be strong. You don't ask them questions because you will put them on the spot - they DO NOT KNOW the answers!

You are shocked beyond belief because these girls come from desperate backgrounds - they are in it for the money and the "Power" you will notice as you move on in your career - they will remain at the same job where they have the "power" from a manager that hear "the newby doesn't know anything" when they use slang in reports - anything to throw off the newby.

I know these things because I was treated horribly by my preceptors (I did not know any nurses in this hospital)...one, of my bad preceptors, got fired for stealing narcotics (she in front of shift change on my last shift-worked 12 shifts with her- she belittled me by asking "what was your name again?" she was signing my preceptor- ship sheet!! I was mortified!! I thought what is she writing about me? The other still works in my small home town, left at the alter by 3 guys, baby out of wed-lock, more friends de-friend her on FB than accept..she loves her "ugliness and smart A remarks" loves it...why our hospital administrator doesn't fire her?..She went to work at another hospital for more hours and came back within 3 months..they saw her for what she was. SO don't worry be happy..you put in for a transfer! i tried and my manager said "according to the pack of wolves she threw me too (one was an ex-Meth head) (I heard they thought I was spoiled- a little rich gal)you haven't matured enough to transfer" wrong wrong.

Remember: you are a nurse...you are smart, you are special and you are important!! remember that! I now work with wonderful nurses and I still cringe at the mean spirits I left behind at the hospital I used to work at ..even a doctor I work with now says Yeah what is wrong with that hospital...even the doctors, that work there, are mean! so there ya go! They put on a happy face to the manager the manager is unaware and doesn't not care she is retiring soon. I have been there, I have experienced that rudeness..not that nurses eat their young..its TACKY rude nurses are just that..mean and ugly....and a couple of remarks to you on this forum could have been nicer...but you can't stop meanness. I have lived long enough I KNOW what goes around...comes back around..just sayin.

Yes, I agree with other posts..in a couple of years you will meet their testing remarks with a know it all - in your face - I will attack - remark. (like a prison ward) There are better places or stay and make a stand for yourself. I don't have to be mean where I am. We help each other, bad back biter gossip is not professional.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i disagree with anyone who says that it's not a preceptor's job to be supportive and help you to feel comfortable at the job. this sounds like a very hostile environment indeed, op, but as others have suggested, i would *try* to grow a thicker skin, and don't leave your job because of a few nasty nurses. this should not be tolerated, but unfortunately in the nursing culture, it is.

"supportive," like beauty, is subjective. what one nurse feels is supportive another interprets as handholding and condescension. the fact that the op didn't feel supported does not mean that the preceptor wasn't trying (at least in the beginning, before the op started becoming resistant to teaching) to be supportive. support and comfort cannot all come from the preceptor. the orientee has to make an effort to meet somewhere in the middle ground, which may be away from her comfort zone.

a few years ago, i had a wonderful orientee -- smart, beautiful, a quick learner, kind and caring with the patients yet able to set firm and reasonable limits and she never, ever made mistakes. the few times i thought i'd caught a mistake, when we talked it over, i realized that *i* was the one who had failed to notice something. i thought i was doing a great job of coaching/mentoring/supporting her . . . i really really wanted to, because i thought she was something special. she was from a different culture than mine and immediately made friends with some of my colleagues who were from the same country.

it wasn't until one of my colleagues who was friends with my orientee sat down with me one night and asked me directly what i thought of mona that i had realized i was falling short of my goal. "i think she's wonderful," i gushed, and went on to extoll her many virtues.

"i thought so," he said. "but you never talk about her to other people and you never tell any of us (meaning his fellow countrymen) how well she's doing. so she thinks she's doing poorly because she hasn't heard from us that you said she was doing well. i told her it was just your culture, and she's trying to understand."

i've since learned to make use of the network. i praise loudly and lavishly where the network can hear, and if there was a minor issue (chronically being five minutes late) i alluded to it gently to one of my friends in the network. the lateness never ever happened again, and face was saved because i never confronted her directly.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

i honestly had a lot of trouble following the original post and deciphering what was really going on. it seems like the emotional posts of interactions between person a, b, c and d never quite flush out to a clear picture when posted on a bulletin board. at least not for me. therefore i have no idea if the op is overly sensitive, the other individuals involved are overly cruel or what.

here's my $.02 on being a new nurse. it is easy in our "newness" to overanalyze every interaction, hypercriticize every mistake internally and to be hyperaware of everything going on in the unit. we filter every possible human interaction on the unit through the eyes of "what does this mean for how i am doing? am i thought well of? am i liked? am i successful?" etc etc etc. that is pretty natural - but often ill-advisable and usually just plain false.

as new nurses we have a responsibility to take every bit of criticism/guidance/mentorship/feedback and process the value in it as pertains to our practice as a nurse. when there is so much we are doing that needs tweaking or outright correcting, it is easy to get very down. some of us are youngsters straight from college into our first job and dealing with all the culture shock that can bring. others of us are coming into nursing as full blown adults with successful careers before becoming nurses and are having to learn how to reprioritize what is important. we're used to being very good at what we do and suddenly now we are beginners again. still others came into nursing after a prior career that went away for whatever reason. obviously that comes with a lot of baggage as well. and increased baggage for most people equates to increased anxiety, increased fear, increased tendency to misinterpret, overreact or even just plain give up.

ultimately the bottom line is that we can only control what we, ourselves do. you can't control another person. to say that it is the preceptor's job to make us feel okay about what we are doing is pretty silly. the ultimate control of our feelings and reactions lie within us. it is, of course, preferable to have preceptors who are supportive, encouraging, kind and nurturing, but given the variability of any day on the unit and add in the variabillity of any given person's moods, hormones, distractions, stress level and desire to be there at all, what you come up with is basic human interaction. flawed, fraught with distractors and ripe for misinterpretation and negativity on any given day.

my job as a new grad nurse? control my emotions and reactions, focus on the goal ... to learn to be safe, to learn the protocols, to learn the culture of the new unit, to learn good assessment skills, to learn time management etc.

the preceptor's job? to teach to be safe, teach the protools, teach the culture of the unit, teach good assessment skills, teach time management and provide an environment in which learning can take place as much as is within his or her control. unfortunately the natural sensitivity of the new grad isn't within the preceptor's control. sometimes personalities match up and this takes care of itself on its own. and somtimes not.

the bottom line is the only person any given person can truly control is themselves. so make a decision to do that. i can't say whether the op's situation is bad, good or indifferent. i can say the op sounds new, insecure in her role, self critical, defensive and desperate for approval. and those are things management and preceptors can't fix. they are like internal weeds. if nurtured, they will take over everything and be pretty ugly and destructive. one hopes for a preceptor that comes armed with the ability to help squash that, but if those thoughts are virulent enough even the most powerful preceptor can't help with it. only the op knows whether that is the case here. i know pretty much every new grad struggles with that at least some of the time. and knowing that, one can have insight into oneself and to learn to do a little self grooming. and yes, that can be painful.

a powerful thought, that one - control what you can. and that equates only to oneself. actions, interactions and reactions. could it be bullying? sure. can i tell for certain that it was? no.

​you said what i meant, and you said it better.

[amowvu96]

To every single nurse who said "grow a thicker skin" I call the bs flag. Nursing at its core is about emotion, empathy and compassion not only for our patients but for our coworkers. We do sadly "eat our young" and probably some really good nurses leave the profession because of it. The best way to deal with the situation is to confront the situation between you and all of the nurses, talk it out, find out why these nurses are treating you this way and find out if you are overreacting to the situation. Take 5 minutes and think before you address the situation and address the situation with only those nurses, calmly rationally, and without the NM. Maybe it's that Psych nurse in me, or maybe it's because I just left a job because I was bullied, but you have to talk to the people doing this!

[awechter]

As a "second career" nursing student, I am astonished at the advice to simply grow thicker skin. Growing thicker skin can be a great thing to do, but so can advocating for oneself and advocating for a more mutually respectful environment in the profession. I have worked as a professional for over 25 years in Early Childhood Care and Education and in Social Services. With some exception, I found that co-workers mostly treated each other with respect and courtesy. Personalities would clash and individuals would have differences of opinions about the best strategies for working with clients or students, but these things were usually dealt with in mature and professional ways. The level of relational bullying that I have witnessed in the nursing profession would not be tolerated in many other professions. I simply can't believe my eyes and ears some days in the clinical setting. Honestly--it is downright strange. It transfers to students, who in their insecurity, take on the roles of either bullier or bullied, and the tradition is carried on. It can and should change.

[Shell5]

I think it is very sad when some nurses are rude as hell. I feel for you. I think many people are so insecure about themselves that the only power then have is at work. It is probable that there is some problems they are having at home and the only power they have is in the workplace. Let them get by themselves and talk to you like that. It seems like these type of people only bully when they are in a group and need a group of people to do it. Then, when you give it back to them they cry and scream, "attack!!!!" where is their back up then? Where is there big mouth then? It is extemely upsetting when you are doing what you are doing and being the good person you know you are and you are being a patient advocate and you have to go to work and listen to backstabbing bullies. I have been cursed at from some of my coworker. I have had coworkers steal my wallet and throw it in the hospital parking lot and i have had my elder nurses tell me, "you should know how to do that" speaking about something i have never done before. It is just ridiculous. Whoever said , "you need to grow thick skin" is dead wrong! The nurses who are backstabber and rude need to grow up and treat others humane. I am so tired of them getting away with their litte tactics and the nurse managers who allow it. If the nurse managers and administrators would do something about it then these bullies wouldn't be around anymore and we would be able to work in peace. One must ask themselves if these mean spirited people are laughing and talking behind your back and being hateful, rude and disrespectful what are they doing to your parents and grandparents in the room when they are sick? Do you want this kind of person taking care of your parent....laughing, talking about them and their illness, because i guarantee they are doing it. I have heard them doing it for years.

[Tinabeanrn]

I couldn't read every post so sorry if this has already been said. New nurse, you shouldn't have to go through that stuff, its called lateral violence. And nurses do eat their young for some reason and I have never understood why. But I do agree that you will have to learn to tolerate co-workers like this. The best thing to do is to be thorough and be an excellent nurse all the time. You are new so your gonna have some bumps in the road. No matter what, put your head up. Take it as a life experience on what not to do. Cling to the nicer nurses and maintain a professional relationship with the angry ones. They don't have to speak, but don't let them change who you are. Don't let them take your love for nursing away. I have been in your shoes. But WAY worse and believe me, I drove home crying everyday. Come to find out the main nurse that bullied me actually loved to follow me because I did everything to the best of ability and I am a good nurse. So my advice is to do everything to the best of your ability, don't stay to do things past your shift because its an 24 hr operation and kill them with kindness. It will make them even more bitter because they wont be justified in treating you poorly.

Hope this helps, and I am sending some prayers your way! :)

[jmpnjessie]

Hi LULULUCY....

You know, it's not just you! Don't be discouraged! I feel like I know your situation and I have been a nurse for 14 years. I have a similar situation at a new workplace. Sometimes it amazes me that women can be such children in any workplace, much less a hospital setting, but it happens everywhere. And like you, I want to make a good impression and share my knowledge - to no avail so far. The place I am now has a limited knowledge base, due to nurses who have not worked anywhere else. I felt so confused yesterday when I left because the (new grad) (Yes!) who has worked there for 1 year!! ....interrupted me so often in an exasperated and rude huffy manner during my initial report that I just let her ask questions instead of give her report as I normally would have. The result was I answered her questions to a different patient! I felt embarassed and "OLD" ... LOL And went home questioning my ability! I came on this site to try to see if anyone else has ever felt that way....and saw your post.

So, I am responding to you to let you know you are not alone. Don't give up the position yet. You know you are a good nurse, you just have the same need almost all of us have - to be validated by everyone....but some people are just not worth seeking out because they have their own issues going on. There are many reasons/excuses for the way your preceptor is treating you, you may never get an answer. I say ask for a new preceptor - it has already been brought out she is not acceptable. I bet she has had other problems with co-workers in the past! I bet she is a thorn in her administrations side! Bullies in general if not bullied now have been bullied themselves in the past.

You may have to turn the other cheek and be a bigger person than she....it won't take much. Hold your head high and stand up for yourself. It WILL get better, I promise.

You have a confidante here....

[Zebrapants77]

When will you be off orientation? I'd find a new unit. Some units are better than others with that crap. I've run into hags like your preceptor, too...I just quit a job in an ICU because a lot of the nurses were gossips. As the new kid there, it was their word against mine if something happened. And women never go to each other with an issue; it's straight to the manager so that they look good. I don't know why nurses do this to each other. It's so disheartening. I wouldn't have gone into nursing at all if I'd known it would be like this. But the unit I'm on now is one that I had been on before the ICU...the nurses are 99% great people with no egos. I'm on telemetry. Your co-workers are very important to your job happiness. Try something else.