Warning: Long !@#% post ahead. Skip if it bugs you. I regret nothing.
I am glad to hear you are not contemplating suicide as an answer to your current situation. I may not have much more than a listening ear and a reading eye, but I am here to chat if you wish.
If there was one thing I wish that could be sold in the grocer's freezer section, it would be Confidence from Concentrate. As you state at the end of your post, you know this will pass and for all things wonderful and tasty in this world, I wish I had something better to tell you other than the following:
What you are feeling is normal. Totally, perfectly, one hundred percent normal. And as much as it can be counterproductive, I believe whole heartedly that our subconscious tries to protect us from mistakes and blunders fueled by overconfidence and ego by delivering a healthy dose of "What in the hell am I doing/thinking!?" whenever we learn something new.
As far as your fire situation, a lot of that is organization and prioritization, two little skills that make a world of difference. I'll come back to that a bit more later.
Yeah....school is rough. And although it is miserable to see others failing, I want you to pause for a moment and remember to focus on you. School is your time and it is about your success.
Now, let's talk a bit about the ugliness of a botched skill demonstration and more importantly, how to survive it:
Just breathe. No really.
Mourn, breathe, move on. In that order.
So what does that mean? It means go ahead and have your moment of angst and doubt. It wounds the ego something fierce to stumble along the path of a goal. But remember, the only time a stumble becomes an end game is when you refuse to get up. So go ahead--kick and flail in the mud. Yell every curse you know in every language you know it in. Binge eat Nutella and sing Sinead O'Connor in the dark. Embrace it for a little while. You'll feel better and more focused when it's time to get your head back in the game.
Breathe. Seriously. Literally. Find yourself a place where you can refocus on you and what is going on in the world of your goals. And this goes for more than just school. To be continued....
But on the topic of school, take the time to go back through the demonstration experience and recall at what point things got a bit bumpy. I'm sure your instructor provided an idea on where and why you didn't pass. Jot it down in a notebook or on you demonstration practice sheet so you donít forget. Now all you need do is take the time to practice, practice, practice before rocking the hell out of your repeat demo.
If you have a study group, ask them for help. Having a partner watch you as you practice you demonstration gives you another pair of eyes as well as the companionship that can make nursing school feel less desolate.
As far as instructor feedback, take it in stride. It's kinda nasty that this is a suddenly an issue when it seems like it hasn't been one. Do your best to graciously correct whatever was discussed and then just let it be. Keep in mind that there are personalities that will just never mesh. The goal is to be professional and deliver best care, not be the most popular.
The nerves will ease as time moves along. And for the record, I still don't feel like a real nurse some days and I've been at this for....let's just say awhile.
Mmmm...LTC. I'm hoping that Viva comes along to chime in or one of our other fantastic LTC sisters/brothers in arms.
What I can tell you without ever having done LTC is merely this: Minimize the amount of extra baggage you attempt to carry. Keep yourself out of politics. Entirely. No matter how tempting or what is being said, minimize your mental clutter by keeping yourself focused on doing your job well and then going home.
Leave work at work. (Repeat three times and click heels together. Ruby slippers optional).
You seem like a caring, giving, giving, giving individual who would do anything to help the ones they love.
But your mother is an educated individual, is she not? Helping her by looking over her resume and cover letter is one thing....writing them is another entirely.
Step back and objectively look at what you wrote. Does this seem like a fair expectation to be placed on your shoulders? Without further details, I would tend to say no. Not even a little bit.
And right here, my friend, is where we really get down to the nitty gritty of the situation:
Plain and simple and one of the biggest culprits amongst those in our line of work.
It seems to me in reading your post that you have been neglecting yourself, my friend, and that in and of itself can not only become a catalyst to a lot of the overwhelmed feelings you are experiencing but it is also worrisome.
I know that it is hard to work and go to school. Believe me, I know (Worked full time/attended school full time). And I reached the point you are at where heaven help me, it didn't matter how clear the sky, I still couldn't see the sun.
I want you to remember that in order for us to care for others, we must care for ourselves.
I want you to promise to work on a few things, okay?
1) Be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up for feeling nervous or anxious. Those are healthy feelings and responses to high pressure situations. Often times once we forgive ourselves for feeling something, it tends to be a bit less overwhelming. I want you to be sure you are eating properly, treating yourself because chocolate is YUMMY and yay for Serotonin!, and getting adequate sleep.
2) Take/Make time for you. Literally what it says on the tin. And when I say make time for you, I don't mean make time for you to clean your house/wash dishes/etc.
I mean make time for you to be quiet with yourself. Engage in a hobby that you enjoy, learn meditation, journal. Remember who you are and rediscover all the ways you have grown. It will give you a new focus and appreciation for yourself.
3) Nurture your relationships but in a practical sense. Yes, it is hard to have a significant other while juggling the world. But it can be done. Just be reasonable about it. Again, set aside time and set limits on expectations for now.
Taking care of yourself will give you the added boost of empowerment and focus to make you feel a bit less frayed.
Now, about that time issue:
Keep a day planner/calendar. It will help keep you on target and remind you of deadlines.
Take large projects in small bites.
And when it comes to time and prioritizing at work, if possible, watch how others with experience around you seem to handle their workload. Find a mentor to ask for pointers whether at work or here on the forums. It takes time and experience to build those two skills to a point where it no longer feels as if all you do is put out fires all day every day. And Allnurses has a wealth of individuals with boatloads of ideas and experience. Don't be afraid to reach out.
The worst thing they can tell you is "no".
I know this was crazy long, and I'm sorry to take up so much of your time but I wanted to talk to you a bit about what's going on.
You are a brilliant individual and I wish you nothing but the finest.
Yes, there are typos. They happen. I can barely feel my eyes right now. Too much coffee.