I feel like I'm backsliding

[Swellz]

I was doing really well for awhile there. I've been a nurse for one year. I successfully overcame my horrible transition where I cried at work multiple times a week and overall hated life. Great, I emerged victorious months later, no harm no foul. Then I plateaued. Okay. So now I'm a mess again. I can't multitask, I can't focus, I am second guessing my clinical judgment.

I'm depressed. I work on a busy oncology floor and it is maddening how sad it is. Not that I'm allowed to be mad or sad about any of it. Per my bosses, I should be grateful it's not me. What have I done for my patient today? Give extra. Do more.

I don't have anything extra to give. I'm incredibly negative at work. I'm super needy with my coworkers. My boyfriend is miserable due to my misery. I've lived this depression before, and I know I should be getting a therapist but I hate the process of getting a new therapist. It has been a long time since I couldn't handle my life like this.

I guess my biggest problem is my thought that I can't leave. Sure, I could transfer to another floor if there's an opening, but I think trying to adapt to a new floor will not help matters. Maybe it will, but I don't want to leave defeated.

Did anyone else backslide like this? I was so sure I was going to do well. A couple months ago I understood why people said it takes years of practice to learn to be a nurse. I thought I was there, at least with the comfort level of what I was doing.

I really didn't expect to feel this horrible at this point.

[duskyjewel]

Saw this on the Weight Watchers Facebook page yesterday, but seems appropriate here. Progress isn't an even, smooth line. Can you identify anything that might have precipitated the setback in your feelings/mental state?

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

Your instincts are right in that you shouldn't transfer to a new floor right now; as a wonderful therapist told me years ago, you can work out your difficulties in this position, or you can work them out in the next. Either way, you'll have to deal with your depression and disappointment.

Seriously, you must get counseling. You cannot pour from an empty vessel, IOW, you can't take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself. You could use your hospital's EAP, but it would probably be best if you seek help from outside. Get a referral from your primary care provider and follow up. Your pain is palpable and it cannot be allowed to go on indefinitely. Please do it, for your own sake and that of your family, patients, and co-workers.

Wishing you well. Viva

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

I've been there, lost the job, got another one and got help.

Got my life back together, and got a schedule and a life; just accepted another position at another organization that I was highly interested in working with after graduation-great opportunity that will open MANY doors professionally.

Talk to someone ASAP; a healthy nurse is a better nurse.

[iluvivt, BSN, RN]

Yes I agree. Your sadness misery and distress are spilling over into every area of your life and you need professional help ASAP. You may actually need to be off work for awhile until you stabilize but your therapist and/or psychiatrist will need to decide this of course.

[Swellz]

Thank you all for your words of support. I think it's just been growing over time and having just had 3 patients pass over the past couple weeks has put me over the edge. It's really not fair to say I don't know what to do because I do, I just hate that having-to-work-on-my-emotions thing. But I don't really have much choice. It's really not acceptable to live this way.

On the plus side, my 2 week because coming up, so I'm sure that will buy me enough sanity to cover me until I get an appointment with someone.