Selfish family?Student Mothers please read!

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I recently helped my mother in law sign up for classes at our local JC. She is in her early 40's and has never been to college. She wants to become a nurse also. She is very smart (taking all honors classes and getting A's) but just needed my help getting acclimated to the whole college registration thing. Since I already graduated with my ASD I know all the ins and outs.

Any-who, she is mother of 13 children. Not all still living at home: one 21yrs, one 18yrs, one 16yrs, one 15yrs, one 12yrs, one 10yrs, one 8yrs, and two 3yr old twins. The 21yr old, and two older children that are already out of the house (one including my husband) are upset and want her to quit school. They think that because she is spending some much time with school that she is not taking her responsibilities as a parent and is making others that are at home do them for her. (My husband mentioned something along the lines of his mother should just quit school and do her job as a parent) I am not sure how valid their arguments are. This is why: I understand that school is very hard and requires some sacrifices (when I was applying to the nursing program I was told that you better inform your family now that there will be some nights when cereal is all that will be for dinner). Being in the nursing program has resulted in my own absence so I am unable to observe the accusations myself. However, I know that my MIL has never worked and has been a stay at home mom up until now. She even home schooled all of the children until the twins were born and still home schools the 10yr old. I feel as though her family is being selfish now that she is trying to do something for herself (she wants to become a nurse so she can go to 3rd world countries and give people medical care), and due to the fact that they have never experience anything else...change is hard, especially one so big. I want to support her because, although I am not a mother myself, I know how hard school can be aside from everyday life. But what ever I say in her defense seems to fall on deaf ears.

What do you think?

Specializes in Urgent Care.

Simple answer from me, if her husband and the kids (even the moved out ones) dont help they are being selfish!

Specializes in Med-Surg.

Back in the day all those kids, grown and not, would be out hoeing a row at 0-dark-thirty every morning of the year - year after year, after year - just to keep the family afloat. Things are different now. People have choices. The slaves and sharecroppers have been freed - including mothers.

Maybe, your husband might want to drop by and help his mother out sometime? It will be good for him, his brothers and sisters and his mom.

Specializes in Maternal - Child Health.
The reason (which is really nobodys business) for having 13 kids could very well be her religion. If you are not aware, the Catholic church still does not condone birth control in any way shape or form. That would mean timing the births as well.

Absolutely not true. While the Catholic Church does not sanction the use of "artificial means" of birth control, it actively TEACHES methods of natural family planning, which it stresses are useful for not only preventing, but planning pregnancy.

Speaking as a single parent of a 4 year old, I can't imagine why she would want to go to nursing school (of all things) as a way to do something for herself. I understand and completely respect how she wants to do this to help others in the long run, I think the sacrifices she will have to make in nursing school (rather than just pre-reqs) are going to be a lot harder than she can imagine. I have had to sacrifice on time I am able to spend with my daughter and it is hard on both of us and with only one I've had major time conflicts. While I do have outside support, sometimes my little girl just needs her Mommy. Since it sounds like she has little or no support from her husband, she will in essence be functioning as a single parent. What is she going to do when a child is sick and she has to be at clinicals or has an exam? And she will miss sports games, dance recitals, or whatever activities her children are involved in. Even with the older children helping with some chores and babysitting it sounds virtually impossible to me given my limited knowledge of the situation. I think I would encourage her to wait a little while until her youngest are a little older and more of them are out of the house. (Yes, there are women in their late 40's and 50's in my program). Perhaps she could do something less intense that would give her some fulfilment, such as volunteer at a hospital for several hours a week?

Specializes in Ante-Intra-Postpartum, Post Gyne.
Speaking as a single parent of a 4 year old, I can't imagine why she would want to go to nursing school (of all things) as a way to do something for herself. I understand and completely respect how she wants to do this to help others in the long run, I think the sacrifices she will have to make in nursing school (rather than just pre-reqs) are going to be a lot harder than she can imagine. I have had to sacrifice on time I am able to spend with my daughter and it is hard on both of us and with only one I've had major time conflicts. While I do have outside support, sometimes my little girl just needs her Mommy. Since it sounds like she has little or no support from her husband, she will in essence be functioning as a single parent. What is she going to do when a child is sick and she has to be at clinicals or has an exam? And she will miss sports games, dance recitals, or whatever activities her children are involved in. Even with the older children helping with some chores and babysitting it sounds virtually impossible to me given my limited knowledge of the situation. I think I would encourage her to wait a little while until her youngest are a little older and more of them are out of the house. (Yes, there are women in their late 40's and 50's in my program). Perhaps she could do something less intense that would give her some fulfilment, such as volunteer at a hospital for several hours a week?

She already volunteered as an English teacher at a charter school. I know that it is going to be really hard, and maybe she won't be able to do it, but no one should have that attitude. Who knows where the little engine that could would be if he had an attitude like that. I don't mean to say 'set yourself up for failure', but no one in history has made great achievements because they thought it might be hard and that they could possibly fail. Thats what makes it so much better when you get it.

She already volunteered as an English teacher at a charter school. I know that it is going to be really hard, and maybe she won't be able to do it, but no one should have that attitude. Who knows where the little engine that could would be if he had an attitude like that. I don't mean to say 'set yourself up for failure', but no one in history has made great achievements because they thought it might be hard and that they could possibly fail. Thats what makes it so much better when you get it.

But she does need to realistically consider everything. When you are a parent, you need to do what's best for the family both in the short term as well as in the long term. For example, assuming all goes well, I plan to graduate in May. I know that because I have a young child, I may not be able to take my "dream job" if the hours don't work out. There are a lot of things I will need to consider when taking a job. That doesn't mean I'll never get to have my dream job, I just may need to wait until the time is right. (While I strongly agree that a childs wants don't always need to be met, her needs do come before my wants). Similarly, I'm not saying she should not become a nurse if that is her dream. Of course it's up to her and what she thinks she can handle but she should make an informed decision and realize the sacrifices.

I noticed you said that you weren't around her house much recently because you are in nursing school. It also sounds like you don't currently have children. Try imaging doing all that you do and then add as many children as she has living at home. I've done school both without and with my daughter and it is entirely different.

Specializes in Pediatris & PICU.
Speaking as a single parent of a 4 year old, I can't imagine why she would want to go to nursing school (of all things) as a way to do something for herself. QUOTE]

adnstudent2007, you say you can't imagine why she would want to go to nursing school as a way to do something for herself. I COMPLETELY understand that. It's what I'm doing as something for myself, however, it happens to be benefiting my family (five daughters) too. I am probably in a better situation than the OP's friend in that my husband is extremely helpful and does the schooling with our children when I'm gone and maintains the home as I would (well close to it LOL). Some people want a challenge in order to do something for themselves, while maybe others are perfectly happy getting a pedicure or going to a movie or something. Nothing wrong with either one of them. It's just a preference. I am in agreement that if the children are somehow being neglected then no she shouldn't do it, but I highly doubt that is what's happening here. I know I spend the majority of my time with my kids except when I'm in class or clinicals and even then their daddy is with them. I don't even study until they go to bed. Maybe that's how this mom accomplishes things too. I understand what you're saying though about making certain decisions when you have young children. I won't be employeed full time after I graduate because I want to be with my children more than that would allow, but that's not what works for everyone.

Also, some people actually want all their children. We actually tried for all of ours, except the last one. She was a surprise due to some problems my body was experiencing, but she's absolutely wonderful!!!!! People are wired differently. Some people can have two kids and be overwhelmed or just be done and be content and some can have 5 or 8 or 13 and still love them and be able to give the attention to them that they need too! My husband was actually scheduled for a vasectomy before we found out I was pregnant with Sarah Grace. He went ahead and did it during my pregnancy, but if we wanted to have more children there would be nothing wrong with that as long as we could support them, love them, and give them what they NEED (which we do)!

Melissa, Kaylee 9/14/97, Megan 12/13/99, Chelsea 8/9/01, Hannah 6/3/03, Sarah Grace 4/23/05, & 4 Angels In Heaven

Specializes in Day Surgery/Infusion/ED.
well, then, that's good that your three year old is in a place where he gets more attention. Lord knows they need someone to take time with them.

however in the OP situation's, it doesn't sound like the mom will be sending her three year olds to Montessori. In fact, it sounds like she is a home schooler.

Not saying you can't go to nursing school with little kids. But would everyone who is such a proponent of The Family Doing Everything Together, like everyone helping out, working together, etc. please consider the idea of maybe this should be a family decision? And it sounds like this family is vetoing her idea.

not saying that's good or bad. Just saying it sounds like that is where that family is at.

Heaven forbid something should stand in the way of keeping her home, barefoot and pregnant til she mercifully goes through menopause.

She has been putting everyone else ahead of herself. What's she supposed to do...keep subjugating her wishes til she's too old to finally do something she's dreamed of?

Specializes in OR.
Absolutely not true. While the Catholic Church does not sanction the use of "artificial means" of birth control, it actively TEACHES methods of natural family planning, which it stresses are useful for not only preventing, but planning pregnancy.
A GYN I know told me this joke recently...What do you call people who use natural family planning? Answer: Parents! They can teach those methods all they want but it's been proven that for a lot of people, particularly women with irregular cycles, it's not very reliable.
Specializes in Pediatris & PICU.

Actually it's VERY reliable if you follow it 100%, but most people don't follow it that 'religously'! :-)

Melissa

Specializes in NICU.
A GYN I know told me this joke recently...What do you call people who use natural family planning? Answer: Parents! They can teach those methods all they want but it's been proven that for a lot of people, particularly women with irregular cycles, it's not very reliable.

Like Melissa said, it actually can be extremely reliable. The rhythm method, not so much (the one where you avoid certain days based on your average cycle), but if a woman is checking her cervical fluid/temp/etc., it works very well. It's actually a great option--if you are willing to use barrier methods during the times when you are fertile, then you are not limited at all--and you don't have to use the barriers when they aren't required.

Anyway...Sorry. I like NFP because it teaches women to work with the natural rhythm of their bodies. And for a lot of women, education r/t that is sadly lacking. And your joke was funny :-).

And back to the original topic:p People with kids go to NS all the time--myself included. I think it's been harder on me than on my family, actually. I've had to lower my standards on housework, outside activities, etc. so that I can spend time with my kids reading, playing, etc. I tell people if the mess is going to bother them, not to come over until I graduate; otherwise, scoot over some laundry on the couch and sit down. Better yet, fold while we talk :D

Not to put too fine a spin on this, but NS may be the best thing for her. JMHO, she may be in a situation that is somewhat, ummm, I don't want to say abusive, but her husband doesn't sound much like a partner in the marriage. He may be afraid that if she has other resources, that she may not want to stay in the marriage.

It would do those kids a great service to see that Mom, as an adult, has interests that extend beyond the family. Don't get me wrong, I was a SAHM for 19 years; it was hard, but I loved it. But, children are still going to know that they are the most important part of your life--just maybe not the ONLY part. Besides, even if she does go to third world countries, by the time she gets done with NS and feels competent enough to help, her little ones will be much bigger. And with some planning, no reason those kids can't go with her and help. Maybe even Dad would participate ;-).

I can't believe there are people on this board who are calling your mother selfish for wanting to go back to school just because she has children!

This wouldn't even be a discussion if it was the father going back to school with 13 children!

If she want's to do something for herself, and that something is going back to school, then she should do it! It won't be easy, but if her heart is in it, she will do just fine!

Maybe she could take it slowly... just one pre-req at a time... then by the time the 3 yrs olds are in school, she could attend more full-time!

Whatever her decision is, it is going to be up to you to support her. It doesn't sound like she has a whole lot of help from anyone else in the family.

Tell her good luck from me!!!

(Mom of 3.... going back to school!!!)

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