My husband won't let me do bed baths - page 11

I told my husband that we are doing bed baths in lab on Friday. He looked at me strange and asked me why on earth I would want to do that. I told him that it is just something you do as a nurse. He... Read More

  1. by   CRNAwanaB
    This is from a man. RUN. Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. If this is such an issue, he has serious posessive issues and you will never be able to enjoy your job and life without wondering how he will percieve it. You won't be able to share with him at the end of the day what you did, or have to lie to avoid confrontation. Bad way to live a life. Either he needs to get over it, or you need to get over him.
  2. by   lisabeth
    I guess it is a good thing I am already divorced, because my ex would have never supported me in my decision to go back to school for any career.
    I guess it is good I have decided dive head first into studying and leave the dating till after I am through with school. That way, a man knows what I do and if he cant deal with it, well there will be no marriage, therefore, no divorce. :wink2:
  3. by   crowlowl
    I can not believe I am reading these posts in 2006!! YOU do not have to defend your nursing school practice to this man you call your husband. Is he going to like enjoy the fruits of your paychaeck after you graduate..you betchaa he will. Don't lie or circumvent the wonderful work you do as a nurse..evaluate your relationship.
    Good luck to you
  4. by   blueheaven
    My ex-husband one time asked me if looking at "all those men" in reference to penises turned me on. I said "Some are a little bigger, some are a little smaller, you seen one you seen 'em all. All they are good for to me is to stick a tube in 'em!" He was a cretin, and that is one reason he is my EX!
  5. by   lisabeth
    too bad all men cant feel like this.

    Quote from ZASHAGALKA
    If I say, "Women should know their place," what would be the reaction here?

    Now, I might mean that in totally innocent ways, hehe. But the statement itself provides a whole host of connotations, does it not? More importantly, they are well deserved connotations.

    No matter WHAT his underlying concerns are, he lost at "I won't let. . ."

    It's been said before, but this isn't about bedbaths.

    Two issues come into play, and they are both related to jealousy.

    1. Does he have issues with a school mandated interaction that is bound, due to legal restraints, to be completely non-sexual?

    2. Does he have issues with you seeking the means that could make yourself independent.

    I have always said that I wanted to earn enough that my spouse didn't have to work. But, I would ENCOURAGE her to work if that is what she wants.

    Personally, from a male's perspective, I think the issue is financial independence. If you are jealous, that is MORE of an issue than any other. I think the result will be that he will be non-cooperative and hostile all along the way. This is just round one.

    Even, if as some have said, he only has an issue with YOU getting a 'bath' from your peers, it is STILL an issue where he is placing his relationship concerns ahead of your desire to advance your education. It is part of the program and for him to demand that your relationship is more important than the program speaks volumes about how he views you going to school.

    Would I be 'uncomfortable' with this if it were MY spouse. Probably. But, there is a world of difference between being able to address and reconcile my irrational concerns and translating that into a demand that school is not as important as 'us'.

    Everytime you have an issue with school, my guess is that he will happily chirp in that maybe you should quit. How supportive!

    To ME, an independent woman is a blessing. I want a woman that CHOOSES to stay with me, not one that is forced to stay.

    But, that is not nearly a universal opinion.

    What I'm trying to say is this: there is a more fundamental issue here than bedbaths. What it at issue, for HIM, is the underlying dynamic of your relationship.

    I understand the need to want your devotion. However, I would not yield nor tolerate the stance that you should be with him out of need. Superficially, that supports this jealousy. But, it undermines the elemental basis for a relationship.

    Real love supports each other, it doesn't play power games.

    My guess is that the differences here are irreconcilable. You want a measure of financial and social freedom and HE doesn't want that for you.

    Do you KNOW how many nursing grads get divorced? Why? Because financial independence is a crucial stepping stone to actual independence. So, his concerns are RIGHT ON THE MONEY, if he perceives that the only basis you have for a relationship with him is financial need.

    But, those kinds of relationships don't pass the test of time, in any case.

    A relationship based on love and respect thrives with such independence. A relationship based on jealousy and power trips fail by the same token.

    My guess is that you WILL seek a divorce after you graduate and he is rightly concerned about that. But, the die for that was cast long before bedbaths became an issue.

    Love is a circle of validation, not an accusation or an attempt to keep someone by holding them down. The horizons of a good relationship expands by the same measure as the horizons of its individual members.

    Jealousy is a tough issue. My experience is that it can't be talked through, it has to be consistently challenged. Faith in a relationship is about BOTH being faithful AND extending a measure of faith.

    To me, jealousy is as equal a violation of such faith as adultery. Or more. They both translate to a mistrust that makes intimacy impossible. The result: misery.

    Sorry this is so jaded. Been there, have the divorce decree to prove it.

    ~faith,
    Timothy.
  6. by   BlueEyedRN
    Quote from ZASHAGALKA

    My guess is that you WILL seek a divorce after you graduate and he is rightly concerned about that. But, the die for that was cast long before bedbaths became an issue.

    Love is a circle of validation, not an accusation or an attempt to keep someone by holding them down. The horizons of a good relationship expands by the same measure as the horizons of its individual members.

    Jealousy is a tough issue. My experience is that it can't be talked through, it has to be consistently challenged. Faith in a relationship is about BOTH being faithful AND extending a measure of faith.

    To me, jealousy is as equal a violation of such faith as adultery. Or more. They both translate to a mistrust that makes intimacy impossible. The result: misery.
    Are you serious?? I cannot believe that you are seriously discussing divorce connected to this issue. This is a marriage. This is not her boyfriend or fiancee. This is a marriage, a covenant that should never be taken lightly. And since the OP is only 25, we can assume that it is still a fairly new marriage. And she did go and get her bedbath. Of course there is more at issue here than a simple bedbath, but to equate his reaction with a violation of faith as big as adultery? This is too much. Every marriage has issues and unless those issues are serious enough to cause physical or emotional damage, they can be worked through. It makes me physically ill to read how much abuse has been heaped on this husband by members of this forum and how little support has been given. There are other women in situations like this or even more frustrating who do not know how to deal with it and I cannot believe that this is the best we have to offer them. I'm sorry that you had such a bad experience in your past, but you need to show a little more compassion here.

    Jealousy is negative. However, it CAN be talked through and worked out. I have experience with this. Most of my married friends have experience with this. My husband is the oldest of five boys with a dominating father and submissive mother. I can tell you, the first couple of years we were married were a struggle, but he just didn't understand then how a husband-wife partnership should work. He understands now and we have an incredible marriage. I was patient with him, but I helped him grow and now we are so much happier. I know that you can't "change" someone, but you can't just give up on them either. I also know women who are in relationships with domineering husbands, and they choose to stay with them. It is incredibly common, which is very sad. But, the worst thing you can do for such a woman is to tell her how weak she is, and so many posts on this thread have essentially said just that. "Oh, my husband would never say that because I'd rip off his. . . and he knows that." She needs to be supported and encouraged and this thread is far from supportive.

    Besides, from what I've read from the OP, she sounds like she can handle herself and that she isn't a doormat to her husband anyway. Nurses need to be supportive of their husbands too, you know (or wives). It's a job that is exciting and takes a big investment of self and you spend all this time with handsome, rich, successful doctors. Why don't we all just think of something constructive to say, like "talk it out, work it out, and you will grow from the experience."
  7. by   CHATSDALE
    blue eyes.people will reoeat behavior that works
    the longest journey begans with a the first step,
    this is the first attempt at control, if they can't work this out now it will only get more difficult when he exerts more and more control,

    i think that tim was right on the money on this one...
  8. by   pagandeva2000
    Quote from crowlowl
    I can not believe I am reading these posts in 2006!! YOU do not have to defend your nursing school practice to this man you call your husband. Is he going to like enjoy the fruits of your paychaeck after you graduate..you betchaa he will. Don't lie or circumvent the wonderful work you do as a nurse..evaluate your relationship.
    Good luck to you
    One of the things we may have to consider is the culture of the original poster or her husband, at least. I do admit that this is hard to believe, however, as we have learned in nursing school, different cultures have different attitudes about modesty and sex.

    It may very well also be that the husband is controlling and jealous...I have not been able to read all of the responses to this thread, so, I may be missing a great deal of pertinent information regarding this situation. You may have to explain to the husband that this is a part of nursing. I had a friend in the RN program whose culture did not permit for her to even see naked men, and she absolutely refused to even look at a man, nonetheless bathe him. In her case, SHE was in the WRONG line of work, and I told her as such, because that is simply not realistic to think that she will never touch a man intimately, especially if she want to make the proper assessment.

    Personally, I have NEVER heard of live demonstrations of bedbaths in any of the nursing schools I have heard of and the nursing assistant school I attended a million years ago (not telling my age, folks...). We used mannequins, to demonstrate in lab, and from there, we did patients during our rotation in the nursing home. I would not have participated in allowing another student to bathe me, simply because I would consider it to be an invasion of my privacy. If I am not being assessed by a licensed person in the case of illness, I would not allow my body to be exhibited in a classroom setting...but that is just my thing.
  9. by   pagandeva2000
    While I have not read all of the posts in this thread, I have to question how did religion actually come into play, here? The original poster stated that her spouse was uncomfortable with her performing bed baths. I didn't see (and again, I admit that I have not been able to read all posts), where she discussed her personal faith, and therefore, I am not sure if we should be quoting Biblical verses to people that may not value them in the first place.

    This is not to contradict anyone's personal relationship (or disbelief) in their Supreme Being...let me say this before there is some serious flame throwing here...but, if the original poster is, let's say, Hindu, Buddist, or anything else, religious solicitation may not be appreciated unless it is by the couple's own spiritual advisors.

    I can also agree that it may be that the husband perceive his behavior as being protective towards his wife. I am still trying to wrap my brain around performing LIVE bedbaths in school...I have not seen this, and (personally), would not have participated in them. If it is a patient-client relationship, that is different. But these are classmates that have a tendency to gossip, mock or humilate each other...no matter what nursing instructors may actually say to deter this. I know from my own experience that even in professional settings, HIPPA laws are violated every day when staff see their co-workers admitted into their facility. Sometimes, they get busted, other times, adminstrators turn a blind eye when it is a friend of theirs and cover up the misbehavior.

    I believe that the original poster should convey the message to her husband that the actual job would not be sexual in nature; but if this bathing is done in class, I would want to know if the students are actually stripping out of some clothes or not, and if they are comfortable in this. My husband was the most supportive cheerleader I had while I attended nursing school, but I also know he would have raised some eyebrows if he thought that someone was touching me or I was touching some guy.
    Last edit by pagandeva2000 on Oct 8, '06
  10. by   CHATSDALE
    the bedbaths were not, according to op, actual bedbaths...she would have still be clothed and they were giving a walk thru demonstration for the instructor
    nurses are well known for being highly protective of their own modesty i guess because we hear comments made of pts bodies, usually not in a complimentary way
  11. by   pagandeva2000
    Quote from CHATSDALE
    the bedbaths were not, according to op, actual bedbaths...she would have still be clothed and they were giving a walk thru demonstration for the instructor
    nurses are well known for being highly protective of their own modesty i guess because we hear comments made of pts bodies, usually not in a complimentary way
    I appreciate the clarity, CHATSDALE. That really boggled my brain. And, yes, I would have been protective of my modesty. Before I became an LPN, I was a nursing assistant, and I did hear of the many negative comments regarding the anatomy of the clients, and would not have subjected myself to that in a classroom setting. Thanks alot!
  12. by   Princess74
    I am really surprised that so many of you were unaware that students practice bed baths as well as other skills on each other. It's the norm in most schools now, at least it is at the schools in my area.

    I do hope that the OP is okay, she hasn't posted in awhile. Being in a relationship with someone that is jealous and controlling is terrible. Like I said before I've been there, and done that, and like someone else said (Timothy I think) I have the divorce papers to prove it.

    I am very lucky to be with a wonderful, caring, and supportive man now. He knows that I will be practicing on male students, he's just glad that I get to practice on them before I come home and practice on him, lol.

    IMHO there is a big problem with any marriage that is abusive like this, and yes it is abuse and yes it does get worse, trust me, it always gets worse. To the OP, I am truly sorry that you are having to deal with these issues, I wish you the very best. Whatever you do don't start making excuses for his behavior.
  13. by   GregCP, RN
    If he's giving you a hard time about it, find out why...for him to say "well, I wouldnt want to do that to someone and visa versa, is irrelevent, because he doesnt understand the the nursing profession (if he was a nurse, he'd understand). So, is he jealous? Meaning, does he fear that maybe you would find a guy attractive while performing the bath? I know you wouldnt, but that could be the meaning behind his madness. If trying to reason with him doesnt work...you have two choices...one, do it anyway, and cont. to rationalize with him, everytime he brings up the subject...or....pick another field ie Pediatrics, L&D, clinics, etc...

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