Husband or School?

renerian, BSN, RN · Oct 26, 2002

Wow I am sorry your husband is not supporting you. Have you told him how important school is? I am sure you have. I would set up time to have a family meeting to discuss that these problems you are experiencing are only temporary till you graduate which will be several years. Maybe he does not know what he needs to do to make things run more smoothly. I remember meeting with alll my kids and hubby and said now that I was in school everyone had to help and do new duties to run the household. Maybe you can make a list of jobs and even your 12 year old can have jobs. Mine did. My hubby was so supportive but I found we grew apart during this time. I also found out he was jealous of the time I was spending on something other than him and the house. He felt excluded or slighted from this. WE worked out the issues but we never were close. It did not fare welll for us as I probably should have worked harder to stay close but wanted to be an RN more than anything at that point.

Do you think any of this helps? I also would have a list of all the things you do and what they do. This way you will see your list is probably 10 times as large.

renerian

2amigos · Oct 26, 2002

I am so sorry that you and your family are facing this situation. Is there someone that can watch the kids for the weekend so you and hubby can get away and talk? Get a motel room and just be together and talk. If the foundation of your marriage is solid, and I assume it is, you both can work through this and the marriage be stronger. Maybe he's just scared of the changes and losing you. People show insecurity in so many different ways.

From personal experience I had to make the choice of school or hubby.........hubby won. Now our kids are older and he couldn't be more supportive of me. (hoping I'm not jinxing it by posting it). I couldn't continue to go to school if my husband wasn't 100% with me. I hated to have to let go of my dream of school, but I'd made a promise to my husband and to God when we married, so that had to take precedence. Not a popular way to think, but I had to live with my decision.

I wish you the best and please let us know how things work out for you and your family.

Cheryl Moore

camkib · Oct 26, 2002

I understand exactly what you are going through, as I am going through the exact same thing. Sometimes my husband seems supportive and at others he doesn't. During this time, I've encouraged his return to school. I try to make sure that we can have as much quality time together as possible. I've suggested that we study together. (It gets us involved in what the other is doing) It's difficult, but you CAN have both school and husband. At times I still have to remind him that I'm in school to better myself so that I can contribute to the family financially and make things better for everyone. It usually helps when I remind him...he realizes that he's being a bit selfish and transforms himself back to the wonderful man I married. :)

ntigrad · Oct 26, 2002

I am sooo sorry to hear about this trouble. I understand exactly about your new life and schedule. Mine has been the same for the past year. Fortunately, my husband has been supportive and without it I would have been in the same boat as you. But the point I'm trying to make is that my dinners have suffered as well, my house isn't as clean as it used to be, but I still try to do the things I am used to doing. Try to only keep that bathrooms and kitchen clean regularly (bathroom wipes are super!) and vacuum weekly and leave the dust to the gods. Don't beat yourself up or let him "beat you up" over it. Explain to him that this is short-lived and try to come up with a compromise to do something together regualrly. If you can't go out (we can't) maybe you can make Friday night movie night and rent videos or DVD's just for you two after the kids are in bed. That's what we do on weekends. Another thing I did last year was if I had reading to do for tests, I waited til the kids were in bed. Other homework like math or filling in my workbook I would do leisurely while we were watching Tv or the news. If there is something he could do to help you study like quizzing you for tests, that might help.

I think it's allot like having a new baby in that the mom does the primary care and nurses and the Dad feels left out. Try to find out how he sees this and work something out.

I will pray for you!

Jill

NurseDianne, ADN · Oct 26, 2002

:sniff: I totally understand what you are saying. I think most of us that have been in school understand!

My husband and I are both LPN's, work full-time jobs and go to school full-time. I am ahead of my husband in school which makes for jealousy issues.

We have butted heads on so many occasions it's not even funny. It gets real ugly around our house these days. Even though he has to study also, when it comes to my study time all of the sudden there are things I should be doing. And heaven forbid I get on the computer! Then he's up my butt seeing what I'm doing. As I type he's sitting behind me, but not seeing what I type........ :rolleyes:

I honestly think they feel like we have abandoned them. But make an extra effort to make him feel like he's loved and he's your man! Give him some total attention. When Gary get's that way I just have to give him some extra lovin , spend some "me" time w/ him and leave the child at home.......she's 14.

Hang TOUGH!

Robin61970 · Oct 26, 2002

I'm sorry you are going through this adn i wish I had pearls of wisdom for you, but I don't. I am lucky and have a supportive husband. In fact, I read your post to him and he said....and I quote....I don't know what he's b**ching about..at least he gets dinner cooked for him! LOL. My hubby cooks for himself and the kids or they have sandwiches. You should have seen his face when I read your post to him. I hope everything works out for you and that you are able to finish school!

Freebird55 · Oct 26, 2002

all you guy's are so great! This is why I love this site, it's my dream family. I didn't tell in my original post that at this very moment I have Pneumonia, my doctor wanted me in the hospital, but I laught and said I didn't have time, so he gave me lots of meds and said I'd better take it easy or i'd be there anyway's. Husband went hunting this morning, was gone about 3 hours, so I used that time to half a-- clean the house, and got a little studying in (care plans-yuk) Anyway's being sick is getting the best of me I just collapsed after original post and could not go, could not get breath, so I layed down. Husband came home, ask whats wrong. I didn't but I wanted to scream! He knows I have Pneumonia, anyway's all the sudden he ask what can he do, I said please just let me rest, so he takes the baby (4 year old) to town to get something to eat. While he was gone I wrote him a 7 page letter, about my feelings and school and his feelings, etc. etc. told him how much I love him, and that I really need his support and understanding right now, I explained that I don't expect him to cook and clean, just please don't B---- when I don't have it all done. The reason I wrote the letter is because my husband is one of those people that hears what he wants, or if he hears what is being said he some how twist it around to be negative. Well he hasn't read the note yet, but it's close to his "thrown" so he'll see it before the night is out. Maybe then he'll understand. He's also gone again right now, (fishing) and the 12 year old is playing and keeping the 4 year old happy, so i'm studying Ped dose calc., but I had to take 5 to check in with ya'll. Lova ya, and thanks again.

ntigrad · Oct 27, 2002

Don't know about your husband, but mine will go do stuff, even if I'm sick, unless I ask him not too. That's ok too, but if he thinks it's ok, he won't offer to skip his golf game if I don't act like I need him home. He'll say " well I figured that if you wanted me to stay home you'd say so." What's up with that anyway? If he's sick, I would never dream of going to do anything becasue he needs me. I don't ask him if he needs me, I just think about his needs first. I could be hemorrhaging to death but if I lead him to believe that it's ok and he can come back later to take me to the hosptial, he'd go. He's not a jerk, but thinks like a goober sometimes. :)

Hope all goes well with your letter.

Jill

Freebird55 · Oct 27, 2002

Well,

It's the next morning. I woke up and he's gone hunting, but he left me a note on the bathroom mirror writen in lipstick;

"Love ya I'm sorry I will try". I guess we'll see how thing go, I do love him very much, so if things go good i may not post for a while, I really don't have time for anything but studying, is that just me or is it everybody in school? Love ya'll

Robin61970 · Oct 27, 2002

Not just you.....this is my only outlet to keep from loosing my everloving mind! Good luck with the hubby.....hope all works out for the best.

Furball · Oct 27, 2002

I don't understand his whining in the first place....he has time to fish and hunt?

Hope things work out for you guys!

Keep plugging a long.... :smokin: