THE HEALER

  1. 10

    Pregnant, just informed entire family, kicked viciously by patient, will my baby survive, how do I heal?

    THE HEALER

    The day was not going as planned. I was covering another nurse on her break. One of my patients had to be rushed to surgery and she was profusely bleeding, another needed emergency dialysis as she was short of breath, a third one is dying alone in her hospital bed from cancer which has spread and I had to call her family. In the middle of this craziness I had to make sure the two other nurses, patients were okay as I was covering them for their lunch break. As I rounded on all the patients, I noticed that one of the nursing attendants was struggling with getting a patient on a stretcher. The nursing attendant Joy had only one functional arm as she had cerebral palsy and the other arm was nonfunctional.

    The patient needed a stat x-ray and have refused to go for an x-ray. She had a psychiatric history and was refusing to move over onto the stretcher. I tried to persuade her and she started flailing her arms at me.

    I move beyond reach and told her, "Hey! Watch that I have a little one here". I patted my belly as I was five months pregnant. I had just learned that I was going to have a boy, at my ultrasound appointment, a week before.

    She finally consented and I helped Joy put her on the stretcher. Without warning, she lashed out and kicked me in the belly saying "You are pregnant! Take this you ******-******! I felt a glancing blow on my belly as she kicked and I jumped back. Joy took her to the x-ray department I went back and sat on the desk, shaken. I did not go down to the ER to get checked out or fill in an incident report. My patients had me busy. I reported off to the other nurse when she returned and told her what her patient had done. She told me to go to the ER but I wanted to be with my patient who is dying alone. And I didn't feel any pain so did not feel the need to get checked out.

    The next week, I went to my doctor to get my official sonogram results. As usual, the doctor used the portable sonogram to check for a heartbeat. There was none. She tried many times and could not find a heartbeat. She asked me if anything had happened after the sonogram and I told her about the crazy patient and what she did. I had no pain, no bleeding. "I don't like this. I can't find a heartbeat. I want you to go back right now to the sonogram place I sent you two weeks ago and get an official sonogram. After the sonogram, have them call me right away," she said, her face worried.

    I left the office in a numb haze. I remember sitting in the car trying to remember my home phone number to call my husband. I could not remember it. It began crying in the car hoping that the doctor was wrong. I finally remembered the number and called home. My husband who had to pick up our other two children from school was shocked. He could not leave the house since he was waiting for two school buses to come. He told me how to get to the sonogram place and I drove there.

    The Ultrasound tech remembered me from two weeks ago. When she read the doctor's referral, she was shocked.

    "Please let me know if you hear or don't hear the heartbeat. I know you are not allowed to give results, but I can infer from what you say," I pleaded with her. "I can't stand not to know".

    She nodded her head and checked me for half an hour. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I am so sorry! I can't hear a heartbeat or see the baby move on the screen".

    The baby was exactly 21 weeks old. He died when he was kicked. My heart broke! I had been carrying my precious child dead in my belly for a week and did not know it. Anger and rage filled me. I wanted to hurt that patient. In my rational mind, I knew that I was not going to beat up a 75-year-old psych patient no matter how wicked she had been. I finally made it home. My husband and I clung to each other crying.

    I met with my doctor the next day. She told me that I had to get the baby out under general anesthesia. I had to go to Planned Parenthood where they would induce and take the baby out. I was horrified as a staunch Catholic to go there but my baby was dead and if I left him in, I would get sick.

    Since Planned Parenthood has a lot of protesters in front of their sites and children were not allowed, my nurse friend took me in her car. I sat with her in a room full of mothers that had come to abort their living child for whatever reason. If only I could exchange and get my live baby back but that was not to be. Maybe the last sonogram at Planned Parenthood would give me a new result that the baby was alive, I hoped, but that did not happen either. So I ended up getting the baby taken out and coming home after the anesthesia wore off.

    My friend, Sue, gave me a porcelain angel and told me that was my son's angel! I wept and wept and went to sleep. The next night, my uncle (mom's brother) came to the house. He was planning to go for a night healing mass where the Blessed Sacrament would be exposed all night in church. He wanted to know if I would want to come with him. He did not know about what happened. I did not tell him but went to the healing mass with him.

    I knelt before Jesus in his hidden form in the holy sacrament. I wept and asked him to take away my anger and hatred for that lady and pray for her. His peace flooded me throughout the night. When morning came I was at peace. I felt no pain. I had given my child to Jesus.

    God blessed us with a wonderful daughter a year later. We named her after God's angels. Jesus had healed me. Christ is my King!

    I have used this experience to help countless people who go through miscarriages, stillbirths or abortions. The pain, anger, and hurt inside needs the healing touch of God. It does not matter what faith you are, you are still a child of God and his arms are always open to comfort you regardless how you lost your child. He does not judge you but is always ready to be your Healer!
    Last edit by tnbutterfly on Jun 16
    Do you like this Article? Click Like?

  2. Visit spotangel profile page

    About spotangel, BSN, MSN

    Mother, nurse,teacher, friend, loves to write

    Joined Mar '12; Posts: 172; Likes: 720.

    Read My Articles

    10 Comments

  3. by   tnbutterfly
    Thank you for sharing what must've been an unbearably painful experience. Many will be touched by the raw emotions as well as inspired by your response.
  4. by   canoehead
    The others at Planned Parenthood might have been there for preventative care, or a similar situation to yours.

    What a miserable thing to have happened. Did you ever notify the hospital of the assault?
  5. by   spotangel
    I did not inform them right away.
    I was out for 2 weeks after the procedure.I then went to back to my regular job.
    This was my perdiem job. I went back months later but did not tell anyone as I was put in different units daily.
    My husband and I decided not to sue the hospital. We lost our son who money could not replace.
    Many years later I met the Chief Nursing Officer and we discussed this and she was shocked.
    I never stopped praying for others that have been touched by violence and always ask for protection for all.
    In terms of Planned Parenthood, on that day people sitting next to me were discussing abortion freely and it was painful to listen to when I was desperately hoping that by some miracle my son was alive.
    I also had done an internship at Planned Parenthood during my NP studies as I wanted to see the other side and hear their perspective and not be judgmental.
    In all honesty most women that I saw came to abort used Planned Parenthood like contraception. Some freely told me that they didn't like condoms. Others told me that they could not afford to be pregnant, the condom broke, it would affect their figure etc. The worst one was a woman who tried to become pregnant for 8 years, got fertility treatment and finally got pregnant. At 5 months she decided this was not for her and drove 200 miles to this clinic so that she could abort and then claim a miscarriage to her gullible husband who was clueless.So their choice was to take away the choice of their child. I had all this in mind when I sat at that clinic hoping to trade my dead child for a live one at least in theory----
  6. by   /username
    Was a good article until the self-righteous judgment about planned parenthood and the individuals who utilize their healthcare services.
  7. by   spotangel
    I don't begrudge anybody any services that they need from any place including planned parenthood.
    I also know very well that planned parenthood offer other services as I interned with them.
    Yet, it is hard to stomach the lack of respect or choice that an unborn child has while preaching about a woman's choices. To me that is self righteousness.
    This is not just a "good article", this is something that happened to me and is deeply personal.
    Sitting there listening to people laughing and talking about abortion was hard for me who lost a son while helping a nurse's aide and now was waiting to go to the preop area.
    I appreciate and respect your views like you should mine. We do not have to necessarily agree on them.
    I am very well aware of how touchy people are about their views on prolife and prochoice.
    What I shared was my experience and what I felt at that time.Peace!
  8. by   traumaRUs
    Very sad on so many levels:

    1. The loss of a dearly wanted child
    2. The violence that is somehow accepted in so many of our jobs
    3. The fact that you had to go to PP for your procedure. In the hospitals where I've worked, if the pregnancy was >20 weeks, procedures were done in the hospital.

    You never get over the loss of a child - I'm so very sorry!
  9. by   xLuciax
    So odd, compared to nurses (and other healthcare workers) in Belgium. With us, in most hospitals, once you're pregnant, you have to report that to the staff management, and you'll be put on sick-leave immediately (in most hospitals). Because the risks are too high, not only germs and diseases, contact with body fluids, but also situations like yours can arise. Sorry for your loss.
  10. by   3ringnursing
    My heart goes out to your heart - I lost my 2nd pregnancy very early on, but I never counted on how deeply it would affect me.

    It was on Christmas day and I was working. I had started spotting, which progressed to frank bleeding - I felt my heart melt and plummet to my feet along with the blood in my face. It was the most sickening, unpleasant sensation of impending doom I ever felt. There was fear too - there was plenty of that while I stood alone in the tiny staff bathroom the size of a broom cupboard.

    Then the confirmation: there was no heart beat, and my hCG levels began dropping.

    My son was 5 y.o. at the time.

    It was too early to have know the gender of my child. Every Christmas for years afterward I sobbed and grieved with the only evidence that there was ever a baby at all: the positive pregnancy test stick.

    At times I realize I should have not only a 23 y.o. child, but a 19 y.o. too.

    I reach out to your loss in solidarity in the only way that feels meaningful - with a loss of my own. 20 years later the grief is now no longer a jagged edge blade that slices my insides to bloody ribbons, but has settled to a numb hole of acceptance.

    I appreciation you sharing your story - and I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs. XX
  11. by   spotangel
    Thank you.
  12. by   Yorker
    Your story really touched me. First sorry for your loss but your baby is with Jesus Christ. I have to give a lot of credit to you that even after that pt. hurting you , you still prayed for her and yourself to take the anger away and that's what Bible teaches us . God bless you.

close