Spouse Turning Nonsupportive During NP School

Nurses General Nursing

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I'm in graduate school to be a nurse practitioner. My spouse was supportive at first but since it is becoming an inconvenience to him he is getting resentful, starting fights, blaming me for being the one who wanted to go be a nurse practitioner, he's sick of all this nursing crap...etc., etc., etc.. It's stressing me out, I feel like I'm going through a change and evolving into a different person and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it. We have children so it makes things a lot more complicated. I'm not exactly in love with nursing, I'm sick of going to school myself, but I'm trying to look at the bigger picture of what would be best for my family. I"m only 1/4 of the way through the program, so there's a ways to go. I'm the only one who works, pays bills, mortgage, and all living expenses, so I feel like I'm dealing with a spoiled child who's dragging everything down. I just don't know what to do. I've definitely grown apart from my husband in so many ways, and I'm afraid of more frustration if I quit school so I'm more available to cater to him. I just don't know what to do.

I think we're framing this differently. No one is suggesting that graduate school is a bigger priority than family and chidren. IMO..The problem is the pattern of invalidation and a lack of support. This reflects upon the marriage, has little to do with school and/or career plans.

This is absolutely right. I'm going to have to take off from school for awhile just to get my life back together. Rough waters ahead, for sure.

Specializes in Corrections.
Believe me, there is no repairing anything, it's been 15 yrs of very unhappy times. He has many emotional issues and counseling has never helped. But it's over. And luckily, my education won't be $50,000, more like $16,000.

So, your essentially blaming him for YOU being attracted to and staying with a guy you consider a "bad egg"

Specializes in ICU, ER, EP,.
So, your essentially blaming him for YOU being attracted to and staying with a guy you consider a "bad egg"

now I've read your previous posts and thats not nice. while I understand the keeping the family unit as the priority as you've stated which is key...... you looked for an attack point, found one and jumped on it... which is your right in a forum, but instead you could have provided support to the marriage and not attacked. IMHO. Vinegar tastes bad, honey is sweet.

OP.... god love ya balancing the internal need to succeed to prove whatever it is to you is so strong right now and you want it bad. An insecure husband with fears is undermining your success. TALK... drink a fricken beer and talk about why your are at an impass..... simply talk. I've given up higher education for years due to family needs... but we've decided together.... deep breath... try again.

These are one one of those make or break moments.... don't be so quick to break.... be willing to give back, compromise... learn to talk and each ... EACH of you considering giving. I live this each day... month to month I hold advance degree learning... go back in based upon what works at that time. I have still not finished, but my marriage is in place and we understand what we are willing to suffer through in the process for it to happen.

Sometimes it works for a semister and not for another. It's give and take. I promise this works if you talk it through.

Specializes in Trauma, ER, ICU, CCU, PACU, GI, Cardiology, OR.

You need to do it for YOURSELF, and when you get your degree then decide who was there for you!!! having a non-supported husband saids a lot about he's character & to top that he's at home doing what?... sounds like his insecure of himself, and knows that when you finished your degree you will have better options, it it's up to you if you want to continue letting him pull you back! An education it's not only for you it's for the entire family welfare. Some people here will say family is more important, well guess what if those families are not supporting you in anyway you don't need that kind of negative aura around you... doesn't he know that when you're finished you will bring home a better paycheck! Duh!!!:uhoh3:

Specializes in Emergency Room.
I feel for you. My husband is the same way. Males need attention J My advise - give him sex 2 times a week even if you are not in a mood - fake it if you need. It will calm him down and give him security. If you don't like nursing, why are you in the program?

lol...good advice!!

Specializes in Trauma/Tele/Surgery/SICU.

Let me see if I understand, your husband who doesn't pay bills, work, etc. is upset that you are trying to ADVANCE your career because you do not have enough time to cater to him???

boohoo.

My reply would be the following: "You should have opted instead for an independantly wealthy sugar mamma who would have more time for you. Your more than welcome to get a job and take over all the financial responsibilities and I'll quit work and school and stay home and be Carol Brady!"

Bottom line..do not alter your life plans for any man!

You have much bigger problems in your marriage then him not supporting you during school.

Specializes in Trauma/Tele/Surgery/SICU.

"With all due respect, kids and the marriage come before a career. Becoming an NP is not worth the sacrifice if you have to give up the chance at a normal family life. Personally, and I know its brutally honest, but if I knew the NP I was seeing for my medical needs gave up on her family and husband and related problems, I would seriously think twice about seeing that NP for my medical needs. She sounds like she is willing to give up on those things which should theoretically be most important to her; thus, how can she treat the patients and their myriad of problems without giving up on them. "

FatherTod, with all due respect, leaving an unhappy relationship where one spouse is unwilling to do any work to help save the relationship is not giving up....its healthy.

Would you give this same advice if you knew op was a man? Of course marriage and kids comes before a career, for BOTH spouses not just the female one! This woman is trying to provide a better life for her entire family. She is the SOLE support of that family. This is not a case of unbridled ambition interfering with her family, it is a case of a selfish and childish spouse.

The implication that she will not be a good NP because she will "give up" when her patients face serious issues because she would not allow herself to be financially and emotionally abused by her spouse is ridiculous at best and chauvinistic at worst.

What is a "NORMAL" family life in your opinion? In mine normal does not mean one spouse gives up every aspect of their life in order to make the other one happy. It would be different if her spouse had to work 20 more hours a week and take over household duties just so that she could go to school, but this is not the case at all, she is the one shouldering most of the burden. Not normal at all in my book.

Specializes in mental health, military nursing.

Meh. To me it seems like the OP wants support in ditching the husband - by her words and the follow-up reaction, the guy seems like a poor, nasty slob. Why on Earth are we so quick to villainize those who aren't here? If this had something to do with nursing, it wouldn't seem so self-serving. As it stands, the nursing aspect is kind of an afterthought, and all we're doing is adding fuel to the fire in OP's qualms about her marriage.

I dont think anyone on this board can adequately judge your marriage except for you....so maybe airing things out here is not the best idea. Sounds like you need to just vent, which is fine, but dont replace the advice here for sound advice. The only advice is what you are telling yourself about your situation.

As far as school, Im also in NP school with a very supportive husband. If he wasnt supportive about me, i wouldnt have ever married him. I dont see myself with a partner who doesnt support my goals and dreams. My own definition of a good relationship is one in which you personally shine to your best ability because of what the other person brings to you. Again, that is just my own experience though. I also support his goals and we both work and we play hard. Life is too short to not follow your dreams.

The marriage is in a shambles as it is, if I lay out a semester or two it won't be to work on my marriage. I've had it after tonight, he's so mean I can't take it anymore.

So, that settles that. It's been a long time coming.

I don't hate nursing. I wanted to go into FNP but the school I am is strict about work experience and I didn't have enough experience working with children so I'm in the Adult/Gero NP track. Ideally, I would like to run a small rural clinic focusing on palliative care for older adults, maybe do home visits, kind of like hospice. I want to focus on education on determining when it is time to look toward end-of-life care options (way too many people, especially in rural areas, continue conventional treatment long past the point it will be of any benefit). Anyway, that is my long-term goal at this point.

If I had time to do something fun, I would love to get a certificate in Swedish massage and be able to integrate that into my practice. But I've got to keep my nose to the grindstone. Bills to pay. I'm lucky as it is to get the money to pay for school through subsidized loans. I don't want to do anything to blow it.

Well, I guess a little TMI. But I believe I have a better idea of what direction to take now. Thank you for all the replies.

It looks love is gone in your marriage..It looks like to me that you are trying to escape your marriage and you are using your career plans as a excuse to get away from your husband..I'm not a marriage counselor but I can tell by reading your post that you are going through a marritial crisis..May I ask you how long have you been married with your husband,how old is your kids..Why is your husband not working?? Can he go back to work..I bet you if he had a work he would not be so bitter...he probably would be tired and exhausted and miss you after work...maybe he is just fed up with kids running around all day-I mean even woman can go crazy in a situation like this and he is a man! I mean possibly you are bored with you family life and you want to start a new adventure that is understandable--we human sapiens get bored with the same partner,our career we seek change that is normal part of nature however that is when our loyality,remorse kicks in-also natural...Remember grass is usally not green on the other side and although everyone need to dream about something bigger one has to also maintain realistic view of life and take responsibility for their action..maybe you and your husband should get away for vacation,romance each other and bring back the memories of good old days....marriage is not always a walk in the park but the family the main reason for our existance.

Believe me, there is no repairing anything, it's been 15 yrs of very unhappy times. He has many emotional issues and counseling has never helped. But it's over. And luckily, my education won't be $50,000, more like $16,000.

Very strange...So you met him at age of 20 and you married him because he was making you unhappy even at the beggining of your marriage?? Then why did you marry him in the first place?? Sorry but you are not being fair by putting the whole blame on to him..there are always two sides to each story..Anyway you would come off better if you would just said that you guys fall out of love and the marriage is over,instead of blaming this man for making your life miserable for 15 years...kind of a long time to stay in a marriage,dont you think?:down:

BTW...kind makes me happy I didnt get married at a young age..never really wanted to..btw I just turned 30.

Very strange...So you met him at age of 20 and you married him because he was making you unhappy even at the beggining of your marriage?? Then why did you marry him in the first place?? Sorry but you are not being fair by putting the whole blame on to him..there are always two sides to each story..Anyway you would come off better if you would just said that you guys fall out of love and the marriage is over,instead of blaming this man for making your life miserable for 15 years...kind of a long time to stay in a marriage,dont you think?:down:

BTW...kind makes me happy I didnt get married at a young age..never really wanted to..btw I just turned 30.

Often people change completely AFTER you marry them or have a baby, once they feel "safe." This is a known fact in the area of domestic abuse although I am not saying that is what she is experiencing here. She does state however that her husband is "mean". I would betcha he got mean AFTER the marriage and meaner AFTER the kids. Lots of times these guys get mean once they are not the center of their world ie the kids are born. Many of us have worked extra hard to save our marriages when we have children and that is as it should be. Some of us maybe have hung in there too long or tried to hard in a loosing battle. But, the constant reminders that it is always the fault of both in the marriage that it failed, this is completely UNTRUE. Read the marriagebuilders website or other information about abuse. Continually telling people in abusive relationships whether they are physcially, emotionally verbally abuse, that it is both their faults is something that keeps them tied in and continuing to try and fix the marriage. the problem is you just cant fix it on your own.

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