The first time I laid my eyes in this one month old baby, all I could feel was the fear of taking care of her. It was my first job as a nurse and I was so full of doubt when it came to my nursing skills in dealing with this angel. She was so fragile that I did not want to touch her. However life has its way of bringing you out of your comfort zone.
Her name is Ella. A one month old baby diagnosed with a congenital disease called Hirschsprung; a condition in which the rectum and sometimes part of the lower colon have failed to develop a normal nerve network. The affected portion does not expand or conduct the contents of the bowel, which accumulate in and distend the upper colon. At her very young age, Ella already went through an operation to correct the said anomaly.
Knowing her condition, apprehension again started to invade me. This is because Ella needs some more attention and certain procedures from me as well as from the other health team members. And as a novice, I don't want to handle such case knowing that it would require much effort and knowledge taking care of her. There come a time that I hoped that she was already discharged just for me to avoid her.
But as days passed, I found myself thinking of her. I felt the excitement of seeing her each day however I still have this fear- the fear of losing her. I got used in being with her, monitoring her temperature, her heartbeats and even her respiration. A big part of my nursing hours were spent with her. As I spend many hours with her, the more my heart draws near to her and I've learned a lot by just being her nurse.
For many times, her room is full of doctors and nurses. A time when her heartbeat would slow down or when her blood sugar would shoot up and may drop to the lowest level. This were just one of the many instances where Ella would again faced many painful procedures like pricking her sole for blood sample not just once but for many times as possible until she becomes stable. Added to this is the discomfort of administering dextrose (sugar) into her vein for correcting the deviation. Many medications would be injected into her system. As a matter of fact, she had been in different types of antibiotics. I feel so downhearted every time the doctors would say that time will come where her body will no longer stand each prick, injections and the chemicals being introduced to her. At the back of my mind I agreed with what they said but a big part of me believes that she could make it. I am so hopeful that she could get through it. Yes, she did stand for couple of days and on February 23rd; she celebrated her 2nd month birthday in the hospital.
But still, there were days where death would try to snatch her away. Days were everything seemed to find its ending and miraculously she would survive.
Her body could not absorb enough nutrients necessary for her to survive thus her blood level would dropped down below normal. Her body would sometimes become swollen and for many times would become dehydrated due to the imbalances of fluid occurring within her system. She then would undergo several blood transfusions which would take 3 cycles for 24 hours. This would mean close monitoring is needed. I have to take her vital signs every 15 minutes knowing that some reactions would take place during the transfusion.
But the transfusion would bring just temporary relief, for her hemoglobin level would again drop to its lowest level which would again lead to the same procedure. Her intravenous site would be inflamed thus another site have to be chosen. Her right arm, left arm then goes the right and left leg. Sometimes both arms and legs are inserted just to sustain her fluid replacement and blood transfusion. For every insertion, I witnessed how she cried because of pain until she would no longer cry maybe because her body has already been numbed because of its several exposures to such procedures. Ella's life revolved around that process.
Ella was a fighter. At her very young age and innocent existence, I know that she was strong and that she would endure till the end. There was a moment that I would just stare at her very tiny and yet lovely face and something in her just touched my heart and I have this hope that she'll make it whatever circumstances may bring.
Behind those pains, hardships, I have also witnessed how one's soul suffers more and that is Ella's mother. I never experienced having a mom and as I gazed how Ella's mom sacrificed many things for her, I can really say that a mother's love is indeed unconditional.
Through many sleepless and bothering nights, I have noticed how Ella's mom manages to smile against all odds. Just like her daughter, she is a picture of a woman full of strength and determination- someone who finds peace in the midst of a storm.
But as human, I have felt that she is also about to reach the end of the rope, where the only choice left is to give up. It was so hard for her to see her daughter in that plight. She may have fall sometimes but then she would find courage to go on and fight for her angel.
As I laid my back to sleep, Ella's face flashed suddenly and many words came rushing through- patience, love, hope and appreciation. These were just some of the many essential lessons that this angel had taught not only me but also to other people who have surrounded her.
Patience... Monitoring her for every 30 minutes, listening to her heartbeat, and watching how she breathed takes a lot of time. Regulating her IVF, making sure that every drop is accurate requires patience. Comforting her every time she cries and draining her colostomy bag were some of the many instances which shaped me to become patient.
Love... It is love that pushes me to take care of her. It's not because I am obliged to do so but because I find joy in doing so and everything becomes easier because of that love.
Hope... Every time she is in the death's claw, I never stop praying and hoping that she'll be fine. Seeing Ella gives me a reason to realize that there is always hope for tomorrow. Today might not turn out right but we can rest assure that there is always hope for tomorrow and the days to come. The sun will always come out after the rain.
Appreciation -living each day, able to rise and see the sunlight becomes extraordinary knowing that someone could no longer do the same.
I have always hoped that this little angel would grow up to be a living testimony. I never thought that she'd stop fighting.
On March 6, 2009, she was again deteriorating. She could no longer breath on her own thus she needs to be hooked to a machine that will aid in her breathing. She was monitored every 15 minutes. Seeing Ella in that situation was not new for me. My shift was over thus just like I always did; I touched her cheek and bid her goodbye not knowing that it was the last time that I will see her breathing.
In the evening of March 7, she was transferred to another hospital in hope of prolonging her life. All the members of the health team did their best to keep her alive- to make her heart pumping. But everyone has its limits and Ella's reached her own. She passed away that evening and her mom was there, every second, witnessing how death slowly swallowed her precious angel.
Yes Ella was a good fighter. She endured the hardships that were laid before her. But life is indeed a journey with both beginning and an ending. Her journey might have finished suddenly but still, I do believe that she have fulfilled her purpose whatever it is, no one knows. All I know is that within that short but challenging journey, she had taught us many lessons and she have touched many lives just like how she touches mine.
*name changed to Ella*
