Nursing school, debt, children, my future?

Nurses General Nursing

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Specializes in Medical-Oncology.

Hello nurses, nursing students, anyone who can help?

My boyfriend and I just broke up -- after one year together. I was living in Washington, DC, but decided to change careers to nursing and go to school full time while living with my mom -- which meant moving back home to Louisiana in January. I left him behind, but we decided to have a long distance relationship. It has been going so well, so far. Until last week, I was on spring break and went to visit him. I also visited 2 schools in his area with accelerated nursing programs. We talked about me moving in with him while pursuing my BSN. He has been supportive and sweet -- never got mad that I moved halfway across the country. And we definitely love each other.

Here's the problem. I am 27 and he is 34. It will be another 2-3 years before I have my RN and will begin working. Once I do, I will have a mountain of debt to pay off, AND I will want to enjoy my new degree, my new career, and new money coming in. But he wants to have babies! He wishes we could do that now, but is willing to wait til after nursing school. But I told him I won't be ready. I will need at least 3 years in the workforce to work on my debt and to be able to do a lot of traveling and other things I enjoy. He is not willing to wait that long, and I am not willing to have children any sooner. We are both so different and there were already other compromises being made about our future -- this is just the one thing we can't agree on. Now it's over and I can't help but wonder if we are making a mistake.

From a nurse's perspective, am I doing the right thing?

Specializes in med/surg/tele/neuro/rehab/corrections.

This is from someone who has been there. Make a clean break from this guy. He is not for you. Listen to yourself! You said you were different. You posted here about major problems and you've already had a major breakup. Making up is sweet but the honeymoon period doesn't last long. If you want to avoid lifelong heartache and making compromises, be the bigger person and let him go so he can find his soulmate. He wants a girl to have babies and stay home with them and raise a family. (You will never be able to travel etc.) You want a future so go out and get one.

Specializes in Public Health, DEI.

I'm not sure a nurse's perspective is going to do you any good here. It is such a personal issue. If he isn't willing to wait and you're not willing to push your timetable up, and you're both very sure, then it sounds like breaking up is the right thing to do. If he wants babies while he's still young, I can see why he doesn't want to wait another 6 years. Not that 40 is old by a long shot, but there are lots of advantages to having kids a little earlier, and it sounds like it is what he wants. I can't fault him for that, nor you for wanting to have your life in a bit more order before having babies. As a mother, I can tell you that there's really not ever going to be a perfect time to have a baby, and that if you were to have one in the midst of all that's going on, you'd still be able to make things work. Life would just be more hectic and complex.

Specializes in ED, ICU, MS/MT, PCU, CM, House Sup, Frontline mgr.
He is not willing to wait that long, and I am not willing to have children any sooner. We are both so different and there were already other compromises being made about our future -- this is just the one thing we can't agree on. Now it's over and I can't help but wonder if we are making a mistake.

From a nurse's perspective, am I doing the right thing?

I am not a Nurse yet either. But I do not think it takes a Nurse to decide this one for you. It is your life.

By the way, I think you are forgetting something important about dating. It is not a PERMANENT part of life. Dating relationships end. They either end in Marriage or they end in a Break up.

I personally think the two of you need to do right by your own value systems and your own futures. If you two view the future differently, then why would either of you torture yourselves into a compromise? You are not married. You do not need to be married.

It is absolutely OK to find someone who views the future as you do and for him to do the same. It does not matter that you may have dated forever or that you two love each other, it is OK for the both of you to move on to meet and love someone else.

This advice is coming from someone who once dated a man who saw life differently and ended up breaking up. I was hurt at first but today I am HAPPILY married to a man who views life the same way. We both are getting what we want from our marriage. Good luck to you two! ;)

Sounds like you already know what you want.

BTW, nursing school doesn't have to put you in debt. I have a B.A. already and am getting an R.N. at community college. I got a fee waiver for tuition and a scholarship to pay for my books/uniform. I could have gotten an accelerated BSN for $40,000 plus in one year, but it just didn't seem worth it to me.

Specializes in Emergency & Trauma/Adult ICU.
From a nurse's perspective, am I doing the right thing?

This is not a nurse thing ... it's an are-our-life-goals-compatible thing.

Only the 2 of you can figure out whether there are workable compromises in your life plans.

BTW -- life rarely goes all according to plan ... you might have some interesting surprises along the way.

Good luck to you. :)

Specializes in Medical-Oncology.

Thanks for your responses. I guess the reason I wanted a nurse's perspective was to find out if life as a nurse with a family, leaves any time and resources for traveling, scuba diving, buying a boat, paying off debt, AND being able to spend quality time with family....

Specializes in Medical-Oncology.

Wow, reading my last post makes me sound so selfish!

Specializes in Hospice, Med/Surg, ICU, ER.
Wow, reading my last post makes me sound so selfish!

Not selfish.... just nobody BUT you will look after your (best) interests.

One side comment, and not a criticism at all, but DO realize that children take lots of time and energy to properly rear; and the younger you are when you have them (within reason) the better off you'll be.

Do what your heart/head tells you, but if you do eventually want kids, don't wait TOO long.

Best wishes.

Sounds like a deal-breaker to me. You aren't ready for children, he is. Done. You absolutely cannot compromise on that issue. Having children is far too important to undertake it at a time when you are not ready. Your reasoning sounds great to me - very smart reasons to want to wait - you are entitled to your dreams and goals first.

Just my 2cents.

Amanda

I understand why he doesn't want to wait any longer, at 34 yrs. old. But his goals and your goals are so different it doesn't sound like you two would be compatable. Better to find this out now than later.

Are you already under a mountain of debt? You shouldn't have to be.

Not selfish.... just nobody BUT you will look after your (best) interests.

One side comment, and not a criticism at all, but DO realize that children take lots of time and energy to properly rear; and the younger you are when you have them (within reason) the better off you'll be.

Do what your heart/head tells you, but if you do eventually want kids, don't wait TOO long.

Best wishes.

I agree and this is what I was thinking as well. As a mother of three I know how draining it is to be a mother, and why add that to years you should be slowing down? But that is a personal choice each of us must make. I am glad, though, that I had mine in my early 20's.

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