Nursing, parenting and guilt

Jen2002 · Nov 23, 2008

Maybe this is why I have some guilt. My parents always worked to pay the bills, but were gone all the time. When I was in kindergarten I put myself on the bus cuz they left so early. I went to bed at times when they still were not home. I have had to wait for hours for a ride home from sports then walk when they could not pick me up. I felt like they worked because they enjoyed that more than parenting. We weren't rolling in money either. Most times we barely had food in the house, electricity got shut off a few times, etc. I felt they might as well have been around a little.

ShayRN · Nov 23, 2008

Most times we barely had food in the house, electricity got shut off a few times, etc. I felt they might as well have been around a little.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe if they had been around a little, there would have been no food in the house, no electricty and maybe no house to sleep in. Surely you see that?

I understand the frustration of a crappy childhood, believe me. But the thing is, its over. You survived it. Now you have a choice, to dwell in the past or to build the best life that you can for your family. That doesn't mean you have to be at home 24/7. I feel that as long as your children know they are loved, know they are wanted and boundries are set they are happy. Just my 2 cents.

mama_d, BSN, RN · Nov 23, 2008

You've just gotta focus on doing what you can when you can, and on helping your kids understand the whole gotta keep a roof over our head so I gotta go to work dynamic. I felt like a lightbulb had finally gone off over my ten year old's head when he asked me one day "So, what bills are you going to pay from working today?" I had explained to him that money from one shift would pay the electric bill, or the phone and cable, or two shifts would pay the rent, and it would take me working X hours to pay for the new game system he wanted. He finally understands the relationship between me going to work and him being provided for.

Every time he complains about me going to work at night, I ask him if he'd rather have me go back to days...and he tells me no every time. It helps to give him a feel of control when he knows that I honestly value his opinion of what shift he'd rather have me work.

It's gotten worse since I'm back in school again, so we sat down one day and daydreamed together about all the things we'd like to accomplish once I start making more money...a bigger house, a vacation to Disney, etc. We're all in this for the long haul as a family together, so it makes sense to try and help the kidlets see that they have an investment in it and will be getting returns from it also.

It also helps that I know that I can't do the SAHM thing. Been there, tried that, turned into a crazy witch within a few weeks. I just had six weeks off of work b/c of surgery, and if it wouldn't have been for school I'd have gone absolutely nuts. All praise to those who do it, but I sure as heck can't. A sane mom equals a happier home, even if it means I'm at work 3 or 4 shifts a week.

I still feel guilty sometimes, but I just try to focus on the fact that what I'm doing, providing for them and hopefully getting to the point that we'll be able to help them out in college and as they start their adult lives, is of vital importance. I am sure to try and make it to as many school/sports functions as I can, even if it means missing sleep.

Sorry I'm rambly, just got off of work...

MagsMom · Nov 23, 2008

I think no matter WHAT you do as a parent, most of us have guilt. If you were not working you would feel guilty about something else - guilty that you decided to send them to school when they said their stomach hurt only to have them call at 9:01 that they have thrown up. I could go on with so many scenarios since I struggle with this guilt you describe. I am a single mom, I work and I go to school. I feel guilty all the time - but I have to stop and realize that what I do now is making a better life for us later.

Cattitude · Nov 23, 2008

This thread really hits home for me. I just had my first baby at 40 and will be going back to work Dec.1. He'll be with my mom and I am glad for that but I feel horrible about not being with him all day.

I know that I have to work, financially we depend on my paycheck. But I will miss my sweet little baby so much. I do wish I could stay home or at least work part time for the first few years. I was raised by working parents and I don't feel deprived so I'll have to remember that.

allnurses Guide · Nov 23, 2008

I love being a SAHM. That is my goal again. I stayed home with my older kids until my youngest was in 1st grade and then went to nursing school. My hours almost always coincided with their being in school. When I was working I got home at 3:15 p.m.

The "bored" thing reminds me of what I always told my kids when they whined about being bored. "I'll be happy to find you something to do":clown:

I think we make our own excitement.

I homeschooled for awhile and then the kids were in small private school. I helped in the school, which helped lower tuition. Went on field trips with the kids (skiing, science camp each year over on the coast, museums, fish hatchery, etc.)

One of the nice things about private school is you can take your kids out of school for special occasions without the school having a fit about not getting their ADA money.

Every family needs to decide for themselves but if you really want to stay home, there are ways to do it. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about that. Here are some links that have helped me. Scroll down the first one to see the article about "Mommy Wars" and why working moms and sahm's need each other and shouldn't fight.

http://www.lifesupportformoms.com/Real_Life_Support_for_Moms/Welcome.html

http://www.drgreene.com/

Each day I see parents trying their best to do what's right for their families, but no one has the perfect guidebook that tells parents what to do. Here are the top ten solvable problems that I advise parents to remedy today.

Do... Have confidence in your parenting style.
Don't... Worry about what your parents or the neighbors or your child's teacher thinks about your parenting style.
Create a parenting style that makes you comfortable and relax.
Do... Create an exercise program for yourself.
Don't... Skip it because you don't have the time.
Kids follow our example. If we're not exercising, they won't learn to either. So take care of yourself and teach your kids to do the same.
Do... Take the time to create healthy love foods for your family.
Don't... settle routinely for food that isn't helping them build a strong body and mind.
What children eat is vitally important and the foods they learn to love when young will often be their favorites as adults. You can create healthy love foods for them by what you feed them now and give them a life-long gift.
Do... Give your kids a good multi-vitamin each day.
Don't... Trust our food sources to provide all the nutrients kids need.
Most kids don't eat 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day. Even if they did (and I do encourage at least that many) our food's nutrient density has gone down. Kids need a good multi-vitamin each day to round out their nutritional needs.
Do... Stay consistent with your rules.
Don't... Let whining wear you down.
If you want a child to sleep in her own bed, then letting her sleep in your bed "just this once" is going to make it much harder later.
Do... Think about the things that matter.
Don't... Pick the wrong things to worry about.
You need to pay close attention to some things, like your kids' safety. But don't sweat the small stuff even if it means your kids sleep in their street clothes instead of pajamas.
Do... Take advantage of today.
Don't... Wait until tomorrow to build life-long memories.
Time flies. Plan something every season that your kids will look forward to year after year.
Do... Pay attention to both your perspective and your child's.
Don't... Lose sight of your needs or theirs.
If we focus too much on whatever children want, or too much on what we want, they miss out on learning both to give and receive.

http://cwahm.com/wordpress/

http://www.renewalstories.com/

And this book helps with the money aspect . . . if you scroll down there are a few more books about how to stay at home.

http://www.amazon.com/Million-Dollar-Mom-Sweepstakes-Stay-At-Home/dp/1598861182

The truth is, we shouldn't have to argue about this at all. But should be helping each other. It is possible to stay home with your kids if you want. Or to work as little as possible and yet still be here for them.

I wish you the best!

steph

allnurses Guide · Nov 23, 2008

This thread really hits home for me. I just had my first baby at 40 and will be going back to work Dec.1. He'll be with my mom and I am glad for that but I feel horrible about not being with him all day.
I know that I have to work, financially we depend on my paycheck. But I will miss my sweet little baby so much. I do wish I could stay home or at least work part time for the first few years. I was raised by working parents and I don't feel deprived so I'll have to remember that.

I had my 4th baby (a total surprise) at 43 - went back to work part-time when he was 4 months old and it killed me too. He stayed with my in-laws at their ranch and they brought him in to work for me to nurse him a couple of times a day and I pumped too.

I'm working one day a week now and every other weekend on call.

I told my husband when we were surprised with this baby that I would not work full time.

So far, so good.

I'm glad your mom is helping. :redbeathe

steph

Jo Dirt · Nov 25, 2008

I felt like they worked because they enjoyed that more than parenting. We weren't rolling in money either. Most times we barely had food in the house, electricity got shut off a few times, etc. I felt they might as well have been around a little.

This is the guilt trip my kids put on me. We've never had the electric turned off, but if I stopped working it wouldn't take long.

Your parents were doing the best the knew how to do. It may not have been the best, but it was the best they knew.

If I had my choice I certainly wouldn't be working. I missed out a lot on my two older children when they were little, and it still bothers me a lot. I would leave for work crying. I still remember how miserable I felt seeing them playing on the bed as I left for work. I'll never get those times back, but this should be a lesson: DON'T HOOK UP WITH A SORRY CREEP WHO YOU HAVE TO WORK TO SUPPORT!!!!!!!!

MinnieMomRN · Nov 25, 2008

Having a job is a part of life. Every member of a family has a job. Even your kids! Their job is to go to school, play with their friends, and learn and grow to be responsible and well-adjusted adults. The most important thing is to learn balance -- you can't be all things to all people at all times. There is time for work, and time for play, and time for the other things your family values, but there is not unlimited time for everything, no matter if you are a working mom or a SAHM. Spend quality family time together and always let them know they are loved and valued. Teach and lead them by example. Oh, and laundry can almost always wait...

:redbeathe to you, from a mom to 3 -- ages 20, 18, and 6 (yes I know that's a big gap!! LOL)

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Nov 25, 2008

I work weekend night too and am at home w/ my ds the rest of the week. I quit my 40hr/week when he was 10mo old. I cried every day dropping him off @ daycare, and I mean every day. It was as much about me missing his little smiles and giggles as it was anything else. I feel the pain - I would be a SAHM mom in a heartbeat if I could, but I make more than my dh. Now that he is 4, I don't regret a minute of staying home w/ him.

Working nights is hard on my body but I don't think I want to trade it for anything. I know what you are feeling. Hang in there, and don't hesitate to ask around about weekend work. It works great if your dh works during the week.

Fancy Face · Nov 26, 2008

This post really caught my attention. I work FT as an LPN and am going to school for my RN, I will graduate in 2 1/2 years. I thought I could get by on student loans and working PT but it was clear after one semester that wasn't going to work. I dropped down to PT in school because I needed to work more. Plain and simple. We were getting calls from the mortgage company and banks routinely looking for their money and I knew I just wasn't cutting it working 25 hours a week. Not only that, I was going further into debt trying to make ends meet. So now I work full time and go to school part time, and I still am never home! But at least now I can pay my bills. What kind of life was I giving my children: never knowing if all the bills were going to be paid, etc. I felt guiltier by not working because I wasn't providing for them. I feel happier now that I am back earning a pretty good living, and can afford things for them. Just my 2 cents from the other side...Someone said it best: work and feel the "mommy guilt" or don't work and feel guily cuz you might lose your house. My husband is a stay at home dad and works from home, provides all the child care when I am home or at school. Its really hard right now, but life will be easier after school! I agree: Damned if you do (work) POOR if you don't!