Nursing 3-11 and marriage

Nurses General Nursing

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Started a LTC 3-11 charge shift a few months ago. It is wreaking havoc on my marriage! Hubby leaves at 6 AM, I leave for work at 2PM. He gets home at 6PM, and in bed by 11. I get home at 12 and bed by 1AM. We talk on the phone, and try to have fun every other weekend, but it's not enough! How do any of you in a similar situation survive different schedules? Not to mention, I only see my teenage son occasionally now as well. I'm sad about this. Love my job and the shift is good for me personally, I love sleeping late, but it's bad for me physically as well. My eating is all off schedule, and when do I exercise? Everything's just so disorganized right now...any ideas? We need help!

Specializes in LTC.

You and I are in the same boat. Hubby gets up at 6 am to leave for work, I sleep in until 10 am, leave for work at 230pm, come home at 1100ish. We only spend two hours together when i work. Thankfully, he stays up with me until 1 or 2 am. We just try to make the best of our days off together.

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Specializes in Mostly geri :).

Could you maybe do some 12's or doubles? I wish I had great advice, I've usually worked the same hours as my bf, or we'd schedule the same day off.

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Specializes in Mental Health.

"In fact working opposite shifts from my DH is probably the reason we are still married after all these years, lol. Try to make the best of it and enjoy the positives until you can find another shift." by Jules

:yeah:...couldn't have said it better myself...

Yeah...I have to admit it's the shift that works for me right now...but in the beginning it was very hard. I had promised myself that I would not work this shift. However, I ended up with it after starting work for VA health system. And it is working for me now. My kids are probably older than your son my youngest is 13 and the twins are 17....so I picked the right time to work this shift as my kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

Have you considered, getting the same off days? This has worked for me...my husband is off on Wed and Thurs so I try to get those days off as much as possible...since we tend to rotate a lot.

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Specializes in WOC, Hospice, Home Health.

currently my husband is on 2pm-10pm 3 days/week and i work 8am-4pm full time. it was really really hard at first, especially since we've only been married less than a year. we've been on this schedule about 7 months now and it's finally starting to work out- we are "sneaking in" more time for each other where we can- lunches, scheduling same days off when possible, etc. Our son is young though and I'm still pulling the heavy child care stuff in the afternoons/evenings. Plus it's only part time, so not so much separation.

However, in 3 weeks he is starting a new job on 11-7, full time. So we get to play around with schedules again.

In my opinion, it might not always be easy, but if you can set aside the time to communicate with each other and are committed to the family and your respective goals...well, you do what you gotta do these days, right? For us, we know it's not forever and are planning to work through it. :redbeathe

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Worked 3-11, 4 days per week, every 3rd weekend when my kids were little. I was with the kids during the day, my hubby came home early and was with the kids all evening. This worked well then since we always had breakfast together.

Would NEVER do that shift now-scouts, piano, soccer, hockey, church....the list goes on....

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Specializes in ICU, PICU, School Nursing, Case Mgt.

While I agree that family is paramount, I think it would be good to step back and look at the situation with an impartial mind.

1. Do you absolutely have to work...or work full time?

2. How is the job market in your area?

3. Do you have the option of working 12 hour shifts?

If working full time is critical, and the job market is tight, then right now I would have to say, try to stick it out and make the best of it...I know that sounds inane, but there are a lot of nurses out there now that would jump on that job. Any job.

I do know where you are coming from. I briefly worked that shift and found it just didn't work well for me.

However, I am a dyed in the wool 12 hour night nurse...7p-7a.

I know 12 hour shifts sound brutal, but nights or days, I always found that I had SO much more spare time...any time I can work 3 days and be off 4 it's fine by me.

When my kid was in school, I did 3 twelves in a row, usually Fri,Sat and Sun night. She would stay with her dad and get lots of dad/daughter time...I would get off on Mon am at 7:30a, sleep while she was in school and then not have to work until Fri night at 7p.

I never felt like I was working.

I now work 5 days a week-days-regular hours...and I HATE it...but that's me.

Just hang in for a little while, and keep your eyes open for something else.

I guess what I am saying, is , unless you can afford to take a long time off, don't quit until you have something else.

Good Luck,

This job is hard enough without extra stressors.

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Specializes in ER/Geriatrics.

I say parallel parenting and too much time away is NOT good for a marriage.

IMHO

L

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Specializes in Pediatrics, Geriatrics, LTC.

thanks for all the answers! I guess I have a lot going for me. I have a great job after two years of unemployment, so yes, I HAVE to work. We are so dangerously close to bankruptcy...As to parenting, I am an 'older mom' at this point, my 'baby' is 18 and will graduate in two weeks, so he's hardly ever around much anyway. My other 'child' is 23 and works the same hours as I do so I see him morning and night. I stayed home for 15 years raising my kids and our relationships are exceptional. My kids and I are truly friends. We have instituted family night on my night off, once a week, and everyone cooks and eats together. Im going to ask them to stick around after dinner too maybe a movie...

Again luckily, my hubby and I are great communicators and we have a plan. This shift is good also because of the extra money for now. We plan on me doing this for 2 years and then I will probably go back to school and get my RN. In the meantime, I will try lunches together as one person suggested, asking him to wait up on weekends, and look to the future enjoying our small pockets of time we do have. Its hard but hopefully will be worth the extra hoops we have to jump through temporarily. Keep suggesting things as this is evolving! Thanks again.

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I say parallel parenting and too much time away is NOT good for a marriage.

IMHO

L

I think it depends on the marriage. I know an awful lot of military families who make this work - and make it work well.

Sure, times might have been different, but my parents did it for 25 years - and when my dad passed away they'd been married for just shy of 53 years. I have two brothers, both married for over 30 years, both retired from the military, and one of them was a dual mil-married-to-mil couple for over ten.

Must've worked somewhere....not easy, but doable.

The only problem my DH and I had was when I worked straight nights. For two weeks out of every month, I saw him for a grand total of two days. Seriously.

Personally I'd love 2-10 or 3-11 - but that's just me. Won't work for everyone.

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Specializes in hospice, ortho,clinical review.

Oh do I feel you there!

I'm actively searching for a job with more normal hours. I came from a background of 9 to 5 for twenty plus years and this 3-11 being an adjustment is a huge understatement. It's not for me and a hard lesson but I've learned to not apologize for it.

That said, I agree you have to just make the marriage a priority. If we let this shift define our marriage right now, my husband and I would be 2 ships passing. We make that extra effort and time. Marriage is our number one priority. The job helps me live life, but isn't my whole life. Though it feels like it right now!

Honestly it's him that's sacrificing his sleep right now. He will try to stay up later even if for that extra hour to connect. We do also talk on the phone during my break. We talk during his lunch break. Occassionally he can come out to my facility and have dinner w/me in the garden area.

He has some flexibilty in his job that he can sometimes go in later to stay a later to make up some time that way. One of the things keeping me sane right now is the fact he's willing to stay up with me as much as possible. It's nice in the peaceful hours to sit out on our patio with a little midnight snack, but like I said it takes effort it's not like either one of us is really enjoying this right now, but we're making do.

My son is 17 and I totally understanding missing time with him. We've mananged an all night bowling night w/my husband and I and my son and his girlfriend. One of the weekends I was off we arranged to all go to the zoo. Weekends that I'm off are total family time, I miss the heck out of my friends, but that's the way it is right now.

I've found an ideal position that is 9 to 5 not looking for oodles of experience so we'll see if that pans out, if not I'm still thinking of taking a hospital position that will be 3 twelves and at least have more days off. As it is, I feel like I live at the facility and I work with people that take on double shifts, I can't even imagine that!

Good luck!

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I have found that the fans of 3-11 are a vocal minority.

Unfortunately there just aren't enough fans of this shift. Most new grads were forced to work this shift when I started, and still we ended up short in evenings.

I suspect eliminating the need for evenings is the reason many hospitals switched to 12 hour shifts.

You might consider looking into 12 hour shifts.

If your husband has benefits that can cover the family, then consider working per diem. You would get complete control over the days and shifts you want to work.

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