My proposed solution to being bullied, will it backfire on me?

  1. 0
    I am being targeted by a bully at work, who has been nit-picking, spreading malicious gossip and trying to isolate me and make life hell. I have done nothing to deserve this behavior, and it makes me angry, to the point of going from an eager and positive employee to neurotic, negative and moody. What's worse, is that the DON (who is not very bright) has been hoodwinked into believing this bully is the hardest working workaholic there, in spite of her work history revealing the opposite. Still, the DON supports the bully while choosing to snub me.

    While the DON is my immediate supervisor, there are people above him who are supportive of me. I also know that the DON is very hesitant to "fire" anyone out of fear they may be able to obtain unemployment or stir up some type of legal situation against him or the company.

    I asked the DON for a meeting between me and the bully with his presence to address the issue but he refused. In my anger, I announced I would be looking for another job. I woke up today, however, and thought of all I had to lose. I don't *want* another job, but I want the DON to know that I understand what is going on and I won't go down without a fight.

    The ADON, who is very smart, does see and acknowledge what is going on. I shared a valuable website with her about workplace bullying. I've copied information from the site and I want to have a personal 15 or 20 minute meeting with the DON and the ADON to address this issue which is causing me stress-related health problems. I want to at least know I have attempted to open his eyes and show him I am enlightened, even if he chooses not to be. I also want to inform him I plan to go nowhere. I've highlighted areas that describe my situation exactly to add impact and help me express myself. The ADON is very outspoken and I know she would be good to help represent me.

    Does this seem like a step in the right direction? I don't feel compelled to tuck my tail between my legs and run just to keep the peace. I'm willing to go to battle, as I've done nothing to deserve this treatment and injustice infuriates me. It's gotten to the point where people stop talking when I walk by and some of the things said that have leaked out are very embarrassing. And I'm sure that is the tip of the iceberg. I walked into the front office (that connects all the other offices) and the dopey PTA was coming out of the bully's office and when she saw me stepped back in and said, "Your BFF is up here."

    This place is brutal, but I don't know why I should leave when I've done nothing to deserve it. Before it was me it was another woman who left. I'm sure after I'm gone I will have many successors, but I don't feel I should go down without a fight.

    Opinions and suggestions, please.

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  2. 35 Comments...

  3. 4
    Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? If you want to be happy and the place is as toxic as you describe, then I would look for another job.

    If you want to be right, then you may be miserable there for as long as it takes for the others involved to leave.

    Is there a HR office that you can confer with? I would start there and ask for mediation between you and the person spreading gossip against you.

    IMHO, because the of the risk to your reputation, I would just play nicely and look for another job in a better environment. It may take some time to find something, but you will feel better knowing that the current situation is temporary. Hold your head high and be the best that you can be.

    Good luck!
    canoehead, maxthecat, wooh, and 1 other like this.
  4. 0
    Right now, I'd rather be right. I have more to lose than my job. My child is in a wonderful daycare and any other job I would find would make me have to uproot everything, including my seniority.

    I do want this bully (and if need be) the DON exposed. One thing I have on my side is upper management. They are very supportive of me and have bent over backwards to see I have had a job there. That said, I don't want the bully or DON to lose their jobs. I'm not evil like that. I do want to reach an understanding, that I will not tolerate petty gossip and backstabbing meant to destroy me.

    To me, happiness will be exposing them. They are sick, twisted, co-dependent animals.
  5. 0
    I don't know why there are so much bullying in the USA. In other countries when you bully someone they either hire a hitman to kill you (I know it sounds extreme, maybe this is not true, but I would do it...just kidding) or beat the sh** out of you right there. Of course I don't agree with those type of behaviors but the hospital should allow the ones being bullied to file a report againts the bully and after a number of reports that person should be fired. And maybe that way the bullying can stop a little. Another possible solution would be to gather a couple of other co-workers who are being bullied by the same person and confront her/his in front of the others so that she/he will feel ashamed, or stand up for yourself and ask politely---scracth politely and do it as you feel to---- to stop the bullying, or try not to pay attention to her/him and sooner or later they will grow out of it. My husband has bad temper, if I were to tell him that someone is bullying me at work without reason he would go over there confront them, insult them, and tell me to quit . I have been bullied at some points in my life but I tried to not let that bother me and I have come to the conclusion that bullies have low self-esteem and need someone to bring down so they can feel good, but there is a point where enough is enough and we have to come to a solution to stop bullies. We must stop bullies, look at the incident of the Columbine shooting, a very sad incident and yet people don't do nothing to stop bullying.


    "WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND"
    "KARMA IS A B**"
  6. 7
    Oh boy, as my Mom would say, choose your battles wisely. You might win it, but lose the war. My peace of mind and stress level is much more important to me than anything, and I learned that the hard way. What do you think will happen? The bully will be showed up for what he/she is and get fired, as well as the DON? Hmmm, not likely in my book. I dunno, the older I get, the less energy I want to spend on stuff like this. Just my
    mc3
  7. 3
    You know what? I'm going to step out and unlike everyone else - say go for it - if you feel that's what you want to do. Bullies continue (and you're right, it was someone before you and when you're gone, there will be fresh victims) if the bully isn't stopped.

    There have been studies that show that in some peoples brains, the part that registers 'reward', lights up when they observe suffering (either being inflicted by others or that they've inflicted on others). So unless you make the consequences of said behavior unpleasant enough to override their desire for that 'reward', they won't stop - ever. You and everyone else in the building can leave and they will simply wait for another unsuspecting victim to come along. They can look and act as 'normal' as anyone else on the outside, but they're not.

    If you're willing to take it on, you should do it. Could there be consequences? Of course, but there are consequences now matter what you do, and only you can decide the level of 'consequence' at which you're comfortable.

    I don't know if you've checked out <http://www.workplacebullying.org/> or not, but they have a great resources. Bullying and harrassment should never be tolerated and shame on your DON for not standing up to protect ALL the people under his/her leadership. I'm so tired of people in positions of leadership who can't or aren't willing to do what is necessary for the good of everyone (esp. those who keep 'pets').

    Very best of luck to you.
  8. 1
    Quote from Anisettes
    You know what? I'm going to step out and unlike everyone else - say go for it - if you feel that's what you want to do. Bullies continue (and you're right, it was someone before you and when you're gone, there will be fresh victims) if the bully isn't stopped.

    There have been studies that show that in some peoples brains, the part that registers 'reward', lights up when they observe suffering (either being inflicted by others or that they've inflicted on others). So unless you make the consequences of said behavior unpleasant enough to override their desire for that 'reward', they won't stop - ever. You and everyone else in the building can leave and they will simply wait for another unsuspecting victim to come along. They can look and act as 'normal' as anyone else on the outside, but they're not.

    If you're willing to take it on, you should do it. Could there be consequences? Of course, but there are consequences now matter what you do, and only you can decide the level of 'consequence' at which you're comfortable.

    I don't know if you've checked out <http://www.workplacebullying.org/> or not, but they have a great resources. Bullying and harrassment should never be tolerated and shame on your DON for not standing up to protect ALL the people under his/her leadership. I'm so tired of people in positions of leadership who can't or aren't willing to do what is necessary for the good of everyone (esp. those who keep 'pets').

    Very best of luck to you.


    To Anisettes, I agree a 100% with you, sorry my post was somewhat incoherent, I was all over the place. But you are right, bullies need to be stopped otherwise they will keep on doing it. If the OP quits then on to the next victim until someone has the nerve to stop it.

    To the OP, go ahead do what you think is right and what you need to do to stop it, and if that doesn't work keep on trying, don't give them the satisfaction of you being defeated.
    canigraduate likes this.
  9. 8
    If you do proceed with this, go in to it aware of what it may cost you: your job, your reputation, references, etc.
    Your coworker and the DON can and probably will fight back and find any and all ways to make you look bad: write you up, find or invent (hard to prove) errors or patient complaints, change your working conditions to make them difficult to impossible, deny you time off, schedule changes, maximum work load etc. all within the parameters allowed by the institution.
    Only you can decide if it is worth these risks, but go into it with your eyes wide open.
    smartin13, NC Girl BSN, leslie :-D, and 5 others like this.
  10. 1
    I'd rather be happy than right and if I didn't fit in with a group, for whatever reason, I'd find another job. Its just easier that way, take a look at the length and bitter tone in your posts. Is that really the vibe you want to be bringing home to your child?
    mc3 likes this.
  11. 9
    I'm also trying to figure out what you imagine the outcome will be? Believe me, I like to be right more than anyone I know, but as was said above, the older I get, the less energy I have for this kind of stuff.
    You've already made your first mistake, you threatened to quit with no intention of backing up that threat. So now you're going to threaten to stay? Do you really think that will leave them scared?
    When I go off half-cocked about some great injustice done to me, my husband always points out, that whoever it is that made me mad, they aren't thinking about it nearly as much as I am, if they're thinking about it all. And he's always right. My blood pressure is going up, I'm wasting valuable time and energy, and the person I'm upset with? They don't care.
    So you want to be right? Do you really think that these people are going to see the error of their ways just because you show them a website and tell them they're being mean to you?
    canoehead, smartin13, NC Girl BSN, and 6 others like this.


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